I jolt awake and prop myself on my elbows. I was hot, sweaty and irritable. I had that dream again. Except now he has come forward to my father who loses his mind and shoots him in my apartment. I check my phone and see that it is four in the morning. Groaning I sit up because I have to be up by five to get ready. Deciding to stay up I throw my blanket off my legs and yawn. It's too close for me to get up so I go to the kitchen and make a pot of coffee plus breakfast. Once my eggs are done I make my coffee and eat at the counter. Instead of sitting down at the table to eat I stand at the counter because I was too jittery.
My thoughts drift around from what I'm going to wear to work to Ryan. I've been wanting to see those eyes for what feels like forever and I finally did but I kicked him out. I should have let him stay here last night. He looked horrible. He looked like a homeless person. I start chewing my lip thinking about how he could have been disowned from his family. I could have at least offered him a shower so he wasn't covered in dirt. I wonder how his Uncle reacted to Ryan letting me go. My doorbell rings making me jump and I notice I hadn't even touched my eggs. I open my kitchen window and place my plate of eggs on the window sill. The stray cat that lives in the alley can have them. I'll get the plate after work.
"Who is it?" I ask through the door. I didn't want to open it and it be a robber. If it was Ryan I'd let him in though.
"You know who." I hear Ryan's voice and it stops me cold with excitement. I open the door calming my nerves and let him in even though I wasn't sure this was a good idea.
"What the hell are you doing here so early?" I ask defensively. I was wearing my froggy slippers making me feel childish as I crossed my arms. He busted out laughing. "What are you laughing at?"
"You. Do you not remember yesterday? I literally told you I hang out in the alley at night. I heard you wake up and figured you had a bad dream. I thought about knocking on your window but decided against it. Didn't know if you would beat me with a taser or your slippers." He looks from my eyes down to my foot wear taking his sweet time. My body flames at the lingering look.
"That is not funny!" I exclaim hitting him. I was embarrassed. I mean he's seen me in less just a t-shirt and underwear because he didn't wash my clothes and had nothing else for me. That was after I was moved across the hall.
"It really is." He was smiling and pulling me closer. The air felt electrified with sexual tension and I didn't know how to react to him. On one hand I wanted to slap him and use my taser on him but on the other hand I wanted to see where this would go. It was as if two sides of me were fighting against each other and I felt torn. I've missed his touch and wanted to feel his hands on my face.
No, no ,no. He kidnapped me and hurt me. I shouldn't be wanting to try anything with him. His touch felt like heaven on earth and I jolted at the thought. Another disturbing thought crossed my mind about how Ryan makes me feel safe. Even though he hurt me so much he made me feel safe and I would never feel as safe without him around.
"Hey how did your uncle feel about you leaving me?" I said and realized I let the word leave slip out instead of letting me go. What is wrong with me? I felt my face scrunch up in confusion.
"My uncle just shrugged his shoulders. I knew I should have killed since you know my name and what I look like but I hoped you wouldn't turn me in." He said with a glimmer in his eyes. It was weird seeing Ryan so vulnerable.
"Why would you risk it?" I asked feeling self conscious again. My confidence always teeter totters with him. One minute i feel like I could take him on in a fight and the next I feel like I'm being reprimanded by the school principal.
"Because of right now." He gestures to the space between us. I wasn't entirely sure of what he could mean besides the fact that I haven't shot and killed him or that I'm even letting him around me.
"Uh?" I ask my mind in a fog. I could smell him and he smelt like home and safety and so good. He smelt like your most favorite thing in the whole world and then multiply that by ten.
"You're leaning into my touch." My body jerks back and a part of me whines at the loss of contact. I hadn't even realized I was leaning into him. It was like electricity forced my body away from him.
"You hurt me." I said while scowling with a red face. I crossed my arms to show my irritation at his amusement.
"I hurt a lot of people. I betrayed a lot of peoples' trust by letting you go." Ryan looks at me. His eyes travel up and down my body as he blatantly reminds me that he is in the mafia and they take loyalty to an unnecessary extreme. I recalled when he told me about how his family never saw a grey area it was all black and white.
"What?" I was confused. I know he was- I mean is- a part of the mafia but by letting me go he wouldn't have caused such a commotion. I didn't really see anyone but him and his uncle. I was always stuck by his side but never talked to anyone. I mean i know they didn't see an in-between but Uncle Chris still treated me kindly.
"I told you how to get to my house if you wanted to come back. You don't remember?"
I looked at him like he was crazy. Why would he do that? Well he said he liked me but acting like a stalker was definitely not the way to get me. Then again that's how he got me the first time.
"Are you hungry? I'll make you something to eat." I ask as I start getting the ingredients for omelets and pancakes and waffles out. I was feeling flustered and needy. I was wanting to just grab and hold onto him forever and never let go.
"Um..sure?" He didn't sound so sure but whatever.
"What do you want?"
"Um.. an omelet is fine." He seemed to be as confused as I am.
"I'm seeing a therapist to talk about what happened. My mom thinks I'm crazy to defend your actions." I'm not even thinking now. I'm rambling and I know he picks up on how he makes me feel because he smirks. He always smirks when I ramble which is how I know that he is in tune with my feelings.
"Yeah?" I turn around because I wasn't expecting him to sound intrigued. "What does your therapist say?"
"I just talked to her yesterday. I started at the beginning. Ya know when you were a temp worker for my company."
"Why there?" He tilts his head to the side making me think of a puppy. It was really cute.
"I didn't know where to start so she had me start from the beginning. That was the day of your uncles prelim."
"Yeah it was. Once I found out your name I freaked because I didn't know who you were at first. I only had your name, address, and work place."
"So you left and what sent someone else in your place to scope out my schedule?" I teased. When the hell did I tease him? This was not me.
"No. I snatched that off your desk when I gave you your coffee and muffin. I figured you had someone else's schedule so I asked your name. We've already been through this conversation." He frowns but I feel like he is secretly enjoying this. I know I was. I didn't want to kick him out yet.
Once his omelet is done I set it down in front of him and watch as he devours it. There was no way he could have been that hungry that he scarfed down a three egg omelet with all the fixings pretty much in under five minutes.
"What?" Ryan asks looking up at me with the fork raised to his mouth the piece of egg he had skewered about to fall. My face flames as I'm brought out of my thoughts and I'm filled with embarrassment at being caught staring.
"Nothing." I say quickly.
"Well take a picture it lasts longer." I hear him say between bites. My back was turned to him so I can make myself an omelet even though I lost my appetite.