I watch as he has a battle within himself and makes a decision. He snakes one hand to the back of my neck and the other to my waist. I was expecting him to kiss me by now and he was taking his sweet time. He never did anything like this before. Maybe I'm over analyzing this. My feelings for him were being muddled as he backs up and runs his hands through his hair making it even more unkempt than it was. Making me wonder what is wrong with me that he can't even kiss me. I was even trying to figure out what was wrong with me to want him, the person who beat me, to kiss me.
I slow my breathing down and try to calm my racing heart. "Ryan?" I rub my arm nervously and look at the ground. "What was that?"
"You're not ready for me to kiss you yet."
I try to make a sentence but the only thing coming out are strangulated noises embarrassing me further. Why was I so confident around my therapist and in my job but as soon as I'm within fifty feet of him I can't even think straight. I turn around and start wiping down the counters and the sink with the sponge. I had to do something so he couldn't see how he was effecting me. I had a feeling he already knew but it didn't mean I had to show it.
"I'll go now. I'm sorry Athea. Really. I'm not trying to fuck you up more than what I did."
"That's the thing Ryan is you did. You disgust me but make me feel like I could die without you. Like right now all I wanted you to do is kiss me." I throw my hands out to the side in frustration. My cheeks flame at my outburst and he takes a step towards me. I place my hands on the sides of my head trying to get rid of this nagging voice that keeps yelling at me to just jump him. I feel his hands on my waist and a slight tug in his direction.
I stumble slightly and he leans his face down touching his lips to mine. It felt so perfect but like a dream like it was someone else who continued the kiss. He pulls back and looks at me.
"Hmm, you're eyes are green again." He was scowling in confusion.
"My eyes are always green." I said a little breathless. I was really mad at myself for kissing him back but I couldn't help it. It was as if I wasn't in control.
"No. They are always auburn. What feedback has your therapist given you?" He pulls back quickly and let his hands drop to rest on my arms.
"Well she says I have an alter and that the alter could have been made while you had me locked in the cellar to deal with it or that it's because I have feelings for you and my alter is their to help me process and deal with them or keep them at bay until I'm ready mentally and all that to face them." I wave my hands to the side stepping back and chuckling humorlessly at the idea. I take a deep breath not realizing that I had rambled that long or that I did that in one breath.
"Well call up your therapist and tell her." He holds my phone out to me.
I dial Pats' number and wait impatiently for her to pick up.
"Hey Athea. Is everything okay?"
"A friend of mine told me my eyes just turned green but they've been auburn my whole life and I'm not sure how to feel about it. Could that possibly, I don't know, be a sign I have an alter and that the alter is out?"
"Are they still green or are they auburn again?" I hear her rummaging around as I go to the bathroom and stare in the mirror at my eyes trying to see if they're green or not. They were definitely green.
"They're green." I said. It was with trepidation.
"Well your alter could have come out since you've been talking about what happened but I'm not entirely sure why an alter would have come out after the fact unless you were trying to understand what has been happening." I hear a gasp. "Has he contacted you?"
"No." I shake my head vigorously. She couldn't see that so I don't know why I did that. I rub my forehead. "I have an old friend with me because I have him search my apartment for me. I feel safer when he's around."
"I'll talk to you tomorrow but it very well could be your alter." She hangs the phone up.
I look to Ryan who is trying to hide a smirk on his face and failing.
"What?" I ask and my hands went up signaling my confusion.
"Why didn't you tell her I was here?" He rubbed the back of his neck. He was smirking so I knew he found it funny that I called him a friend.
"I did. I told her a friend was here." I said defensively. I scowled at him.
"Ah. But friends don't kiss. So what am I?" He gave me a pointed look as if he caught me.
"I don't even know why I kissed you but if I do have an alter then you're making her come out because I would never kiss you." I said while pointing at him in a playful way. Why was it so easy to flirt with him.
"Okay whatever." He waved his hand dismissing my rudeness. Running his fingers through his hair he opens the door and waves bye with a smile on his face. Who the hell knew that a kiss could cause someone to smile like that. I walk back to the bathroom and look in the mirror and I'm smiling too only my eyes are Auburn again.
My phone rings and I silence my phone just so then I don't have to talk to my mother. I didn't want to think about anything at this moment. My phone rings signaling a voicemail so I call to listen to it. Turns out it was Pat and I just assumed it was my mother calling to be a bother again.
"Hey Athea I just wanted to tell you to be careful about stimulation because don't know exactly what this alter of yours is like. If you want I can come by your house and you can tell me what was going on when you decided to call. Shoot me a text." I sigh. I just really wanted Ryan to be here watching movies with me even though I wanted to hit him.
I decided against texting her but called her back. "Hey Pat. I got your message. I know you said to text you but I figured I could call you instead."
"Yeah do you want me to come by or do you just want to tell me because I heard a tone of adoration when you were talking about your friend and it's the same tone you have beside irritation when you defend Ryan. If he is in contact with you and not hurting you then I am under no obligation to say anything. In fact he may help you." Pat sounded urgent or excited. I couldn't tell. She is my therapist I don't know her any better than that.
"No. Ryan hasn't been in contact and I do admire my friend Mark. He doesn't have to help me but he does. It's an admirable quality." I said. I couldn't let her know. Ryan has to be safe. I know it's wrong to lie to my therapist but I didn't want Ryan to get thrown in jail. I needed to figure out how I felt and with him here it's hard but I feel like I do like him and it's driving me bat shit crazy.
"Okay. Well if Ryan does get in contact with you please let me know. I want to make sure you are progressing and not regressing." She sounded genuine but it could be because we're talking on the phone. I wish I was good at reading people like Ryan. I got good at reading him even though I'm no good at reading other people. Maybe I just can't concentrate right now. That's probably what it is, I can't concentrate when I can still feel Ryan's mouth on mine.
"I will Pat. I promise. Thank you for being so stellar." I hang up the phone not even waiting for a reply and get started on editing the first manuscript. I stay up a few hours later just so I can read one more before bed. It doesn't help that I love reading as it is so it wasn't hard for me to stay up to read this one and mark an x through it or a check mark. I promised Mark I would. I am, if not anything, else but dependable.