I wake up to see I fell asleep on the counter. I check the time and start getting ready to get these manuscripts into the office and to go to my therapist. I sigh when I remember the kiss Ryan and I shared yesterday. I felt dangerous, wanted, scared and safe all at once. I throw on some leggings with a nice shirt to wear over top and my ankle boots. I figured I may not be legitimately clocked in but the least I can do is still look presentable when I drop off my work. I mean Mark could get kind of mad because of not looking presentable.
I lock the door and when I turn around Ryan is standing at the bottom of my steps. His head is down and tilted slightly to the side in an endearing way. I squint my eyes shut trying to push back any type of feelings I have for him. When I open my eyes my resolve melts like ice cream at a birthday party. It was too much yesterday. I knew trying to see how far I'd let myself go was a bad idea. My heart felt like it was going to explode and I could only hope I was doing a good job of keeping my smile hidden at seeing him. I didn't care about my eyes.
"Hey Athea." He tips his head at me lightly and smiles.
"Hey." I tried not to sound too interested in his presence but I was feeling jittery. I was happy and I felt butterflies when he said my name. I missed hearing him say my name.
"Your eyes are green today. They look nice." He says falling into step beside me. I felt like I was on top of the world with him beside me and wearing my boots. Mainly my boots, I hope.
"Oh so they don't look nice normally?" Rude. I need to be rude. I didn't want to be rude. I needed to act uninterested in him.
"No. I- that's not what I was saying. Green is a good color. It suits you." He fumbled to find the right words. It made me feel guilty. It made me feel proud that I wasn't the only effected.
"Well thanks not that I needed you to tell me that." Yes I did. I'm self conscious around you. Can't you see that Ryan? Can't you see that I'm struggling with my feelings? I'm waging a war within myself today, not today, whenever you're around.
He was silent for five minutes. I wonder if he can keep quiet the entire time. "What are we doing today?"
"Um, my therapist to see if she can bring my alter out and dropping these manuscripts off at work." That's it. I had no other plans. Other than more work and thinking about him.
"Nice anything else?" He was so cool and collected. Always! While I feel like I'm an iced mud puddle full of emotions that feel like they belong to someone else. I really hope I can take care of my issues so then I can either get rid of Ryan or keep him around.
"No Ryan." He was quiet again and we reached my work. He stays outside while I run in and drop off the books for Mark to take a look at and hurry back down. Whether it is to see Ryan again or not I wasn't sure. Of course it was to see him again. I have got to be suffering from beauty and the beast syndrome. I roll my eyes as I push open the door and he pushes off the wall.
"I guess we're not going to talk about what happened yesterday?" I stopped walking and faced him. He seemed worried and genuinely upset. Well I'm upset too because I can't keep him out of my head. I even dreamt of him last night. My feelings were muddled and I was a wreck mentally. I feel like having some fun with him since he had some fun with me. Did he really have fun with me though or was he genuine when kissing me? I faltered a little bit but decided to ultimately stay true to messing with him. I just didn't want this to make me more muddled than I already was.
"Sure. What do you want to talk about? How I let you pull me close?" I grab him by his jacket and pull him where he was just a few inches away from me. Leather looks good on him. "How I wanted to kiss you and told you? How I didn't stop you when you did?" I ask with just a breadth of space between us now. My heart was pumping rapidly, my breathing felt erratic.
He couldn't speak for a second. I didn't blame him. I could barely understand where this was coming from but oh did I want to continue.
"Um.. yeah that? The kiss? Listen I know I did some pretty fucked up things to you but I got to know you. Now I want you and you're kind of making me speechless." He said fidgeting but not moving from my grasp. He must like this or has no idea how to act.
"Yeah." I press my mouth against his and a few people hoot and holler. Not like I cared but p.d.a wasn't really my thing neither. It wasn't a long kiss but long enough that he was certainly shocked and couldn't form a sentence the five minutes it took for me to get to Pats' building. "I'm going in. Now you can stay here or go back to my place. Either way you're welcome to hang out." I was still reeling from my forwardness. I'd love to know what he is thinking right now. I'd love to know what I was really thinking. I wish I could have been a spectator. Maybe then I would have been able to figure it out.
I watch him sit down against the building and pull out his phone. He seemed to be mainly fiddling to avoid his thoughts instead of actually trying to pass the time. I sit down on the couch as soon as I get in throwing my legs over the armrest.
"So, Athea you seemed to be pretty worried about your mental state yesterday. Can you tell me anything today?" Pat starts me off with this question and even called me by the wrong name well, no she called me by my correct name. Wrong name? Where did that thought come from?
"Well, my eyes turned green yesterday and before I left this morning they were green still. I try not to think about what we discuss in here once I leave but it's hard because almost every waking moment I think about Ryan." I said. I know I said it again but I really am surprising myself today because normally it takes some coaxing to get me to admit anything about Ryan.
"Okay." She scribbles something down in her notebook about me. She looks at me waiting for me to speak.
"Can I just talk about when I was kidnapped?" I asked. It was a safe topic. One that doesn't involve my feelings really about Ryan.
"Sure."
I rack my brain to where I left off. I had fallen asleep and when I woke up I smelt oatmeal. I think it was oatmeal. Had to be or maybe it was something else. I stretch and look at what I'm wearing remembering that I thought the shirt smelt good. I was cold and I wish he would have given me a sweatshirt or blanket or something.
I look up and see Ryan staring at me. I was so tired I couldn't even jump. I was tired of being scared and it felt as if this was happening to someone else. I close my eyes again and open them to see him smirking at my despair.
"This is all you get this morning. You missed your dinner last night so I fed it to the dog." He kicks it causing the contents to spill out on the floor making a mess and me food less. I really was not in the mood for this.
"HEY!" I yell. It came out before I knew I was gonna say anything to him. "You spilt my food jack ass." I stand up thankful that I had some extra rope.
"Yeah?" I saw the malicious glimmer in his eyes and inwardly groan. He steps closer to me. I stand still even though every fiber in my body was screaming to get away. He grabs a handful of my hair and shoving me to the ground in the process. "Well, since you want to be a bitch you can eat like one." He shoves my face against the ground. "And if this isn't all cleaned up by the time I get back little missy then you'll get hurt. Got it?"
I nod. I was too scared to say anything.