I stood before the weathered gate that was once colored. The well built house that now braced bravely against time. The untamed vegetation which was once trimmed uniformly. The house which was once alive.
Everything was once. Nothing remained. All vanished with my once no longer family.
Tears were no more, smiles never felt like smiles, but pain, pain took over.
It has been 12 long years but everything feels fresh. It made no sense, I cried they wouldn't come back, I had no other choice but to accept and hope that one day all will return.
Warm small hands touch my shoulders reminding me of life. I turned and looked at the only living being that embraced me through every emotion.
Her lips tug at the edge and she whispered so softly "let's go".
I drag my body towards Kara's red Porsche and place the little Luggage I had left with me into the back and walk to the front taking a seat.
They would be so proud were my last thoughts before we sped up away from my long gone home.
You must be wondering how Kara could afford such a car as a Porsche, well I wonder the same thing sometimes but you could say she is well off for the most part. Don't get me wrong she hasn't done anything wrong quite frankly she's been nothing but the best person anyone could ask for in a friend.
I sigh as we passed the familiar block of houses that decorate my long gone home. I don't think I will miss it here since the people that I truly love with everything within me are no longer here. The old saying that goes 'you never understand until you truly are in the situation' really hits me now.
I never thought I would be at this place in my life but then again, what to expect when you're not expecting?
Damn I find myself thinking a lot. My life is kinda messed up. Sigh
It must have caught Kara's attention as she looks over at me placing her hand on my shoulder while staring at the road and back at me. I nod reassuring her that I'm fine.
I feel a stab in my chest at that, her eyebrows creased in worry and her bright eyes that I'm use to are not gloomy, I hate making her do that, worry. I don't mean to it's just I overthink a lot sometimes I wanna smack myself in the face for making her worry but I can't help but feel this way.
Urgh! I mentally shout. I just looked away I couldn't bare seeing her looking like that.
I just placed my hand out the car window and closed my eyes feeling the air carry my arms through the waves of the wind. Have I mentioned how much I love nature? well now you know can't live without it!
"What career did you pick again?" I hear her voice through the wild wind
That again, I've had struggles with picking what I really wanted to be for life. Up to now I still don't really know shit!
I'm so out of order with my life! Urgh!!
I'm going to college without really knowing what I want to do, like really what to do for life.
It's because of the scholarship
If it weren't for that I would be God knows where.
You know, when I was in high school and I use to visit the guidance counselor for grieve counselling they would kinda guide me to what I wanted to be in life and I guess I like science, reading and nature, music too but it's not like I'm the smartest person on earth either
You know in some novels the main character would have 4.0 GPA, well sorry to disappoint not in my life.
I mean my GPA isn't that bad, after all I am on a scholarship it's a 3.7 GPA but I had to work damn hard for it.
I would put all my pent up frustrating and hurt into my studies. You could say I work well under pressure but I took advantage of it and here I am. Anyways
"Environmental scientist" I spoke up
"Oh wow! good choice. I know how much you love nature and animals you will be the best!" her voice exhilarated with excitement
I nod and look away
"Hey, I believe in you" she said with reassurance It caught my attention and I looked at her, I really looked at her this time and saw how much she meant what she said.
Not everyday you go around meeting people who actually say things like this and really mean it. That's why she's my friend my only friend.
This was the only time I allowed it, the only time pain would leave me. When I was drowned by nature, I pull my hair loose and watch as the wind soar with my dark brown curls. Peace, content, my chest feels fine now. With nature, with the wind, trees, the sky, the sun and the long journey that's ahead. I'm fine.
I turn my head to see kara staring at me "you okay?" she asks I nod.
She's use to it now, the lack of effective communication she's fine with it. She understands, she understands me and she's okay with or without me speaking.
It's hard to watch everything you have slip out your hands and you can't do nothing about it, I'm traumatized, broken, destroyed. All in one I'm not me, I'm lost. I'm just living because I'm forced to. I have my grandma to take care of and so I'm living, doing human things. Nothing is of choice I just live.
I close my eyes savoring the last of contentment before I'm suffocated by humans and reminded of my pain.
I just want to stay here forever, in nature. I want it to hold me but it can't. The only cure i have is not living.
I don't want to be here. I really would rather die but my grandma, I have to be here for her. I'll just have to go through this. Just like I did with high school.
With my hoodies, my head held down, blend in with my environment and stay away from people. It's simple.
As the air temperature lowers against my skin i know we're close, close to our destination. I pull my hair in a messy bun took a deep breath and prepare my mind for what's approaching. I hear them, the honking of horns, the rushing of feet padding against the ground. I feel their presence seen as my chest tightens and the fresh air is replaced with a mixture of everything.
'Wanna grab something to eat?' kara breaks me out of my trance and i just nod feeling my body react to the smell of fries and chicken along with the aroma of coffee faintly floating pass my nostrils. I hate coffee and seen as it's mid morning i feel the effect of the sun on my body.
'The usual?' kara touches my arm faintly avoiding to place too much pressure. What would i do without you i wanted to say but just gave her the most genuine smile that i can muster up. It works as her whole face lightens.
Food is good. I would like to say it keeps me going and i would like to think that if i died i would miss it. Who doesn't love food? I would kill for it. My mouth waters even when the chips hit my tongue i hummed
'good right?' kara says with her mouth filled with food i smile at the sight.
I miss those times, where i could laugh and express myself. I was confident and determined well i still am determined but i wish i could be me. Carefree and happy. Why is it so hard? Everytime i move my mouth to talk, smile or express myself? It's like I'm trapped. I do try but everytime i get somewhere my chest hurts. It's like I'm splitting in two all over again so i don't try anymore. I'm not a cold hearted bastard i just hurt. I don't think I'll ever heal, or be happy.
I'm okay. I'm fine with being fine.