My eyes catch the sight of the big building, well I mean the biggest building I've ever seen in person. It's nothing to get a reaction from me. I just observe. The big welcome sign. The expensive design of the rooftop.
Walls stand bold and tall caving the hidden body of the building from my eyes. I look around since there are a few yards left before we reach the gate. At least nature is here i sigh out of relief, an escape. This doesn't seem so bad.
I guess I'll live a little longer.
The gates part as we approach near, as we pass the security guard I see the trimmed lawns the well paved roads carved into a curve path leading us to the tower, this place is huge. This place screams money, real money. I mean it's Harvard so why wouldn't it? I shouldn't be surprised.
Kara finds a parking space near the steps because we couldn't find the parking lot. I would laugh at that I guess, any human would right? We didn't want to end up lost so we just decided to park here.
As my hands outstretch to collect my things from the back, my mind stops.....
it's different.....
it's quiet. This is not normal, I don't see students swamping this area. Where's everyone?
My eyes parole the area but come to a conclusion that we're almost alone out here. Well I'm not complaining just shocked.
'Let's get signed in' Kara says grabbing her suitcase and shoulder bags with her.
We are opposites now, she's loose I'm guarded putting everyone at a distance she's confident and happy. She wears her hair down but often times she would leave it wrapped up on her head to join me -she always made me feel accepted and not the odd one out. I'm so grateful.
She also has a boyfriend. They have been dating for quite a while now. He's okay, he doesn't push or ask about my weird ways. He always tries to make me laugh. It works he just doesn't know. I don't like to give people the satisfaction that they have an effect on me, I like to be as neutral as possible. None of them pity me so I'm able to be weird when I want to. Kara is my anchor. I miss her so much, one of these days I'll try to be me again. For now I have to focus on knowing the ropes around the school and how I can avoid people as much as possible.
As we climb the long wide big steps we approach a long hall which leads to a lady around a desk and a few chairs laid out against the brown painted walls. The ceiling was high and out of reach, the halls were illuminated by chandeliers that guide our path. I pull the one suitcase and small bag that I had closer to me.
'Hello are you new students checking in?' the lady said with a smile that stretched her wrinkled face. Her eyes were graced by glasses, her hair was short and straight on her head. She's okay no harm.
Kara signs us in and passed me my timetable and room key. We got to choose our room, so of course I am paired with Kara.
My body hits the bed with a thud and kara follows after. It took us a while to figure out where our dorms were but the important thing is that we made it. Her bed was adjacent to mine, my bed was leaned against the only window in the room. I don't bother to look around. My eyes don't allow it, they dim by the second taking me in silence and darkness. Peace.
By the time I woke up kara was in the shower and the sun was already setting. Such a beautiful sight. I like this room already I'm going to wake up to this view everyday that I have to stay here. I should be able to get through here without any problems.
I take my time and search the area with my eyes. It's better than my old room in terms of furniture but it's not as cozy. Again it's Harvard, the work load is going to be higher than high school but at least it's something to keep me occupied. I sigh releasing the pent up stress, I'm going to have to unpack. It's not much anyway unlike Kara, she brought her whole room. She always does. A sound caught my attention,
wait.....
loud noises.
People...
Groups of them. I pull my jacket closer to my body and look carefully through the window. I don't want to catch anyone's attention. I see them mingle with each other, faces painted, similar colored shirts, jerseys what's going on? Then they start to chant. Guys puffing their chests and girls being girls.
'Why aren't you getting ready?' kara says coming in with only her towel. she walks over to her suitcase and starts to rummage through it.
'For what?' I find myself saying
'For Dixon's match, remember I told you he was playing today? ' she glimpse at me probably surprised I spoke. I'm not a mute I just don't talk much, literally.
Then it starts to click. Dixon is Kara's boyfriend. He's been here a year already. He plays football so typical... I mentally roll my eyes.
That's the reason for this unnecessary noise, chants and people.
I pull on a second jacket that swallows my body to shield me from the world and pull my hair back then decided to loosen my low bun a little... It's too tight plus it's been through enough, let me give it a break. I put a cap over my head pulling it down to put my face on lock down.
I'm fine. I normally support Dixton. He's not so bad, he's tolerable plus he makes me mentally laugh. And kara needs me there with her even though she's the one screaming his name and all, it's her job anyway.
Dixton is really good at football he's actually here on a scholarship even though he's not planning to be a football star that's his secret. Everyone thinks he is doing that but he actually wants to be a doctor. He's just playing because of the scholarship. He's wise I'll give him that.
I sit on my bed and look around. The big dresser is next to Kara's bed. Right next to that is the room's door. Next to my bed is a little hall leading to the bathroom and kitchen. Speaking of food, my tummy needs some. My feet lead me to the well defined spacious kitchen. The granite kitchen counters it's bigger than my old bedroom. It's boarded cupboards tower over me. The wooden floor so shiny. The kitchen counter reflects me. So clean.
I make some ginger tea and take the crackers from my jacket. I'm always prepared. I love the smell of ginger and the taste. It's lovely with crackers. You should try.
As I enjoy my intimate time with food I check my phone, it's almost 7 we're going to miss the match if I don't get kara from around that mirror.
I'm about to show her the time instead she rises and smiles
'how do I look?' she asks
'Aren't you putting on a jacket?'
my longest sentence since this week.
'I'm wearing Dixon's Jersey' she blushes. Right of course she would.
'You look pretty' I force the words out even though I'm not sure those words mirror the look on my face. It's not that she's not pretty of course she is, it's just been a while since I've complimented anyone you know. I'm trying.
'Thanks' she pipes up obviously Happy.
'Let's go then' my face hardens and my guarded self takes over.
I feel my hat fall from my face and I panick.
'No hats please just for tonight' she begs.
I shake my head declining her offer searching for my hat.
'It's night, you'll be fine. Don't you trust me?' I hate when she does that. She knows my weak spots and she uses them against me to get with her ways.
I don't reply and just usher with my head for us to leave.
I hope it's for a good cause.
I faintly hear the boisterous sounds that ring in my ears. We're getting close, Kara takes a turn through the now darken forest that I can't wait to discover. I hear the crickets faintly communicating with each other, I wish I was good with that, communicating. I'll survive.
We pull up to a now packed parking lot which is a few minutes from school. Can you imagine their match field is different from their training field, typically Harvard.
I find myself trailing behind Kara realising that she's wearing Dixon's jersey. It's big on the arms I'm sure it's comfy. I love men clothes ever since I can remember, I always hide myself, I'm so comfortable wearing them I feel content. I mean the warmth, the safe feeling from prying eyes. I'm able to hide without trying. I feel me. Plus my clothes don't question my look or my weird actions, they don't. I'm accepted. And that's even more than I could ever ask for.
If noise could kill I would be dead a long time ago. It's so loud. The smell of hotdogs, popcorns, chips, fries and sodas are so loud to me. Everything is. The lights screaming in my face, the chants, people and of course the boys who are wearing tights. It's ridiculous what they wear. Come on, that's not appealing at all. It's very disturbing.
Kara pulls me to our regular spot. Out of sight of course, away from people. She respects my feelings even dixton does which is the reason why I tolerate him.
We are far away on the bleachers on the very top, less people sit here cause you're away from the excitement. Normal people would sit closer to the field but I like to be discreet. You should know that by now.
I really don't know much about football and I'm not interested. But I can detect certain things, for example when a goal scores people always do this reaction by jumping up and screaming like wild animals. And when a side loses which is normally the opposing team, dixton is that good. They would curse words and throw their food at us. I'll repeat they throw their food ( that is the opposing team) how can you throw food at someone over a stupid game? Food? Are you crazy I would never abandon food for nothing! straight up.
So far we're at 3 goals and the opposing team is at 1. Yeah I literally count the amount of times people get up and scream, it's not hard to do since as Kara is next to me. She's so supportive even if she knows her voice is cracking.
'We won!' kara says but it's nothing new. That's her exact expression at the end of every game. It's just her enthusiasm is so fresh. She's so pumped up for every game.
And my expression never changes I just smile faintly. Never uttering a word. It's actually not fake.
'He's looking for me, I'm going to head out to him you coming?' She asks, she never asks. I guess it's because she took my hat and she doesn't want to push it.
'No. I want to leave.' I say trying not to sound harsh.
'You don't have to, you could wait in the car or stay here while I tell him I'm leaving or I could give you a ride' she prompts. She's too considerate, honestly sometimes I hate it. I'm not a baby, I'm not being ungrateful or anything I just, I can take care of myself.
I step into her personal space and place my hand on her shoulder, this is kinda awkward. It's been so long since I hugged her. I smile
'I'll be fine, I need the fresh air anyway, you're too kind.' I turn around without her response and walk towards nature. Me and nature. Nature and me. Nothing goes wrong with nature.
As I journey away from the excitement, my eyes catch the attention of people, parents rather, complimenting their sons on a good match and praising their daughters for a good cheer.
I see the smiles.....
the joy
the light
happiness.
Completely taking over their faces. And I sense the pride.
I sigh. My chest hurts again.
I have to get out of here before I have a breakdown.
I push my feet further away from the parking lot and out onto the main road.
I wish I wish, I'm over that stage.
I'm just hoping, having faith that I might get to see them. To see their smiles, to come home to them. Cheering me on when I do well, encouraging me on days when I want to give up, telling me how proud they are of me even when my grades are not where they should be. Embracing me on my not so good days. Even a simple smile. It's enough for a whole day. Me being able to be me, and them having no problem with how I am. Mom's cooking..
I stop as a realise the distance I've created.
I'm in the middle of a forest.
No light, no car, no one....
wait
no people, just silence and trees, the sky and me.
Just the way I like it.
I pull my jacket close to my body surrounding myself with as much heat as possible seen as it's a little chilly.
I prefer the cold. I love it actually. When you're hot you do crazy things so the cold is my thing.
This place is so silent. I can hear all the activities going on.
I love these moments I wish I could keep them with me.
I find myself tracing the yellow line below me with my feet. It stands out on the road the most. It's not faded. I guess because cars don't drive a lot here. I would love if this yellow line could lead me to my family. My happiness. The only thing I want. I don't know if I'll get over them I doubt it.
I close my eyes, visioning what would happen if they were here. I do this all the time, for every change in my life I would play out their reaction.
I guess because they were so precious to me, tender and I held them and gave them my heart. And I was dependent on them. I don't even know how to be on my own. I'm learning now. It's been a few years so I'm adopting and learning on my own. I never imagined
My body is forced to lean against a metal which seems to be threatening me.
My eyes close on guard.
For what ?
I stretch my hands out feeling the texture, trying to understand why I'm in this awkward position.
I open my eyes but quickly close them. Those lights are blinding. I blink to adjust to their brightness. And I look, this is what happens to be a Jeep?
Then it kicks in my back hurts and my stomach.
My hands feel numb.
I was attacked by a car.
Stupid, wait,
I could've died.
No no no. My one shot.
I didn't even notice how this opportunity is available. Damn it!
Stupid stupid! That dumb driver too.
Who's that?
Without rationally thinking I strode toward the driver's seat and pull the door open. My hands find my source and I pull with everything in me ignoring the pain. I pull the person toward me and look them in the eye. Making them see my worst. I glare so hard I think my eyeballs might pop out but whatever. They ruined my chance, they'll pay! Grabbing the collar of the person's shirt and forcing them to my level, I hold this position for a few minutes to make them process how fueled I am.
'Do you have any idea what you just took from me?' I whisper between my clenched teeth.
I find myself screaming with all the pent up frustration and anger.
I forced all the energy in my body into hitting the person so hard at a point my body struggled against my protests as I was getting tired after a while. Stupid body!
I'm not done yet!
My movements were suddenly halted by my opposer. Large cold hands captured my tinny ones and held them in position above my head. At this moment I struggle to free my hands but realise the opposer has so much strength. Instead of struggling I halt my movements and I find myself observing my trapper.
The first thing that catches my attention are strikingly dark brown eyes.
Sharp, defined jawline and small pinkish lips. Along with long dark eyelashes that kissed cheeks as they blink.
As the wind makes a visit it runs through brown hair that cages their face. The person's eyes never leave mine.
It's a freaking male.
No not this. I've never allowed a male to see me this close or in my personal space. Even though I'm the one who put myself in this position. No!
His grip tightens around my wrists signalling my attention on his eyes. I didn't even bother to look further. I don't want to know what's down there.
'Pathetic' he says calmly.
'If you wanted to die why didn't you just jump. Off. A. Bridge .' his baritone voice fills my ears.
He has an accent.
English I believe.
He surprises me by casting me away from him, causing me to stumble and almost lose balance. Before I could blink the Jeep speeds past me in a flash.
Leaving me breathless.