You said to text you if I need anything, well, I need something. I need someone. I need help.
I've been working on getting better, I'm really trying. I'm trying to get better. I'm trying to look in the mirror with pride. I'm trying to eat three meals a day without gagging. I'm trying to stop torturing myself.
Last night was good. And the night before, and the night before that. The past three nights where amazing. You stayed over for two of them, grace was over for the last.
September. It's been almost five months since i truly met you. It's strange, right? Five months. Soon it will be six. Half of a year has nearly passed since we really met.
Time will fly again, and eventually it will have been a year. Then two. And on and on and on, hopefully.
I nearly cried when you called me gorgeous that first night. When you were feeling me up, and you ran your fingers over the bandages on my legs.
I could see the way your body language changed. I could feel you stiffen with worry and realization. I hoped you wouldn't say anything, and you didn't for a while, but after a few minutes you popped the question.
"What are those bandages for?"
I was so scared. I know that you already knew. You knew what they were for, but just in case they were from something else, you had to ask. I could tell how your muscles relaxed with care after I didn't reply.
You pushed the question again, but I only stiffened and couldn't speak. I nearly cried when I felt you understand. I nearly cried when I felt you take into account that I have a hard time speaking about my problems.
When you knew that I wouldn't reply. When you knew what those bandages were for. When you pulled me closer. When you hugged me so tight, that it brought me out of my own head and back into that dark room.
I nearly cried, but I didn't.
I didn't cry when you hugged me for a while. When you kissed so slowly down my body, tracing your lips around the marks in question. I didn't cry when you put so much care into everything you did, that I actually felt accepted for once.
I didn't cry, I didn't. But I had to hold back tears when you looked up at me and said something that will stick with me forever.
"You really are gorgeous."
No one has ever reached my heart like that. I'm very surprised that I didn't cry actually. I've been replaying those words in my head ever since you said them.
How do you know just what to do? How do you know exactly what to say, or not to say? How can you show me so much love when I can't find the courage to give any to myself?
Sure I didn't cry, but it was a close call.
As I'm writing this, I'm already planning on sharing it with you. I like to show you my writing. I like to show people my writing, it feels like sharing a piece of my heart.
But I do want to say thank you.
Thank you for not pushing the question when I didn't answer.
Thank you for showing me that you care, without words.
Thank you for finishing that wordless care with four words that will stick with me till I die.
I don't think you realized how much that effected me. How much it will effect me. I don't think you realize how much you mean to me, how much I don't want to lose you.
Thanks for taking care of me Thomas. Thanks for trusting me to take care of you sometimes, even if it's only a little, I'm proud of you.
Thanks for not bringing up the bandages later on.
Thanks for staying.
It's only been five months, but I feel like you have been here forever.
Thank you for everything, but I guess most of all, thank you for not leaving yet.
You've stayed longer than most.