Have I gotten so tired that I can't even live?
I've gotten so tired.
Tired enough that I can't turn in my school work on time.
Tired enough that I have the hardest time getting out of bed.
Tired enough that I can't keep my head up in class.
Enough that I can't go to practice by myself.
Enough that I replace exercise with starvation.
Enough that I don't work.
Enough that I can't cry.
Enough that I'm having a hard time just writing in this journal.
Enough to worry, just a little.
I want to wake up. I want to get up at seven, make myself some coffee and breakfast, but even that is too hard. I can't eat, because that means a commitment.
If I eat breakfast, that means no lunch or dinner, only a snack before bed. Or alternatively, breakfast means I have to go to practice. If I eat, I have to work the weight out of my body to be alive.
I can't gain weight.
I want to log into school with my coffee, and take notes through class, but I can't even keep my head up. I can't stay up in class, because one, I didn't even make that coffee. And two, I'm tired of it.
I'm tired of school, waking up, and the droning of my teachers. It just goes on, and on, and on. Life doesn't change, not even a little.
I want to finish school and walk down to TK's to work on my homework. I want to sit in the sun by the window, warm. I want to get all of my work done for the day, with a drink. But I can't.
I can't find the energy to be productive, much less walk downtown. I can't work on school, I lose all focus in an instant.
I want to walk home, and go to swim again. I want to work my hardest for two hours, push myself to my limits, but how can I do that when I can't even imagine doing my math homework?
How can I do amazing things, when I can't even put in an effort into school?
I want to come home after practice, exhausted and wet, and I want to collapse into my bed and sleep.
I want want want to live on this perfect schedule.
I want to wake up at eight on Saturday and Sunday, make my coffee again, and go to work. I want to sing and play with Ethan, I want to relax once I put him to sleep, and cuddle his cries away when he finally wakes up.
But I can't, because I can't go to work.
Corona. You literally ruined everything. Stupid fucking virus. I blame you for all of my problems. It's stupid. Just shows how easily my life can fall apart. One wrong thing, and everything comes toppling down like a Jenga tower.
Welcome to my pointless life, where I'm too tired, too angry, too self conscious, and too sad to function.
Goodnight.