It is, really. It's awfully strange. Lucy isn't in the group anymore, so I'm part of two groups right now. I just realized this is what happened with my middle school friends too.
What if everything ends the same? It's going down the exact same path. They are making all of the plans that i made with them. Why do i miss people that don't miss me back? Why do i miss people that only used me as a pillow to keep their heads from hitting the floor. Why do i miss people who pushed me down to keep themselves up?
I'm a bit of a sucker. I miss the memories i guess, not the people. I'm doing the same now. Maybe i just shoved myself into this group because i wanted to not be alone anymore.
Maybe i don't love mori, miles, or Lucy. Maybe i don't love dan, Alex, or ash. Maybe I'm just using Annie and Thomas.
Maybe jay doesn't want me around, maybe I'm using him too.
Maybe i don't want to drink or smoke, maybe I'm just doing what they do?
What if this all goes downhill? What will i do if i get pregnant? What if someone catches me? What if i get in trouble? What if i get grounded again? What if Thomas doesn't want me around anymore? What if he's keeping me out of pity?
It hurts to think about. I know what i want honestly, and I'm never going to get it. I don't know why i suck up to him when i fucking know.
I know he'll never love me. I know he'll get bored and drop me. I know he might even cut me off to avoid conflict. I know he doesn't like everything i do, even if I'm trying so hard for him. I know that this will never work.
I know that I'll never come over and get a kiss hello. An i love you, all for me. I'll never get those special compliments again, it'll never be the same. He's gotten bored by now, I'm just here for my body at this point, and I'm willing to give it.
I'm willing to give everything to him, just for a hug or kiss or touch of any kind. I'm willing to drop all of my plans for him, I'm willing to lose everything.
What is he willing to do for me?
Not much.