Uh, it's 12:36 am and i have school tomorrow. I can't sleep right now, i took a nap earlier. I am currently holding back sobs, cause well, i miss TJ.
My friends have a nasty habit of accidentally bringing him up. Every time i think of him my heart hurts. I think about him all the time.
It's already been 5 or six weeks since he stopped talking to me, but it feels like it's only been a day. Will it always be like this?
I broke my promise, but what does it matter? Dan broke his promise too. He promised he'd wait for me to graduate to move, he promised we would never cut each other off, he promised it was real.
I think it was probably real. He loved me, he wishes things ended differently. It's my fault that i am where i am.
I said that i made the right choice of friends, and i thought i was right. Unfortunately for me though, I'm questioning that decision, as per usual.
I was wrong.
I was friends with Thomas way before i was friends with Lucy, wasn't i? Yeah. My loyalties should have lied with him, and if i were really a good friend they would have.
But dan was right about me, okay? I'm an asshole. I'm a liar. And I'm a terrible friend. I'm a naive child, my choices are selfish.
Time and time again Thomas told me he cared, dan did too. Time and time again i confided in them and they helped me as best as they could.
Time and time again i cried over them, thought rude things about them, and was overall selfish. Time and time again i used Thomas. Over and over i lied to him.
There's no excuse for that, right Thomas? Lucy, miles, and Alex tell me there was an excuse. I didn't want to lose him. But that's selfish enough as it is.
He's a person too, isn't he? I treated him like an object. I never asked if he was alright. I assumed he didn't care about me when he promised he did.
I only hurt him in the long run. I only hurt people in the long run. I want to fix it, but there's no going back in time.
I want to go back to last year. I want to go back to friends who i cared about. I want to go back to wishing i fit in better, instead of knowing for a fact that I'm not worth a speck of dirt to them.
I wish i could go back to questioning my worth, instead of knowing how low it really is. It's kind of funny actually. I can compare this situation to stepping on a scale.
I could sit here, and wonder if I've gained weight, i could sit here and worry about it, and I'd be alright because i didn't know. Or i could step on the scale, look down, and feel my heart drop to my stomach when i see that I've gained a lot.
I want to go back to wondering, because now I'm too heavy, and i can imagine it weighing down on me.
I say I've been getting better, but I'm not completely sure that i am. Maybe I'm just freaking out because i just started birth control and I'm emotional, but it's how I'm feeling right now.
I say I've been getting better, but do you know what I've been doing? Ive been living my life in a haze. I've been smoking 50% of the time, being high makes me feel better usually, though sometimes it only amplifies what I'm feeling.
I've been shoplifting, skipping school, and planning ways to slip between my parents rules. I've been careless and reckless. And it's all lead me to where i am now.
Laying on my back, listening to music that makes me incredibly upset, typing on here, crying, with blood dried on my stomach for the first time in months.
I broke my promise dan, I'm sorry. But i guess i might as well cut all of the strings, there's only a few left right?
I care about you dan, I'm sorry. I obviously don't care enough cause i couldn't even bother to lose two new friends to keep you and TJ. I obviously don't care enough because i lied and betrayed your trust.
I obviously don't care enough about TJ because i picked Lucy. I obviously don't care enough because I'd rather go thrifting and steal alcohol than keep you safe.
I obviously don't care enough because i have blood on my shirt.
I don't care enough because my nose is running and my eyes are raw.
I don't care enough because i look at pictures of us every night.
I don't care enough because i listen to the music that you love.
I don't care enough because i hurt you.
I never seem to love anyone more than i love myself, huh?