So everything's back huh? I'm back with jack, with mori, with sammie, with Thomas. I'm back to him touching me, I'm back to needing those touches, but something is different.
I'm not as in love as i was before, in fact, I'm not even sure if I'm in love at all. I missed him, i did. I missed the way he made me feel, i liked to talk to him too. But… man. I'm just not the same.
I've watched the way he cares about sammie, he worries about her. He dodges around offending or hurting her. He never did that with me. With mori. Sammie is the new Lucy.
Sometimes i think that i might be jealous. I used to wish i never invited sammie to that sleepover at all. I used to hate her. I used to wish she was gone. I'm not going to say that those feelings have gone away, because, oh no they have not.
I don't hate sammie, i don't. But yeah, she makes me uncomfortable. I don't like the way she clings to Thomas. I don't like the way she begs for attention. I don't like the way she pitches up her voice around him. It makes me angry.
I do not want to be friends with sammie because i like her. I want to be friends with sammie because I'm selfish, and i have no other choice.
For one thing, i like what she has. I love staying in her house, i love that i can steal alcohol from her parents with her, i love hanging around her sometimes. I like to paint, to get drunk, and to watch shows with her. She's a fun girl, no matter how much she annoys me around others she's fun when it's just us.
On the other hand, everyone loves her. Sammie is so cool right? Sammie was addicted to heroin isn't that crazy? It's not like i give a fuck, but our friend group depends on how hurt people are. The more hurt you are, the more important you are.
I guess that's why I'm scrambling for scraps under the table right? Jack was abused, Thomas has a bad mom and dad, he lives in a shitty apartment, he isn't always gonna have dinner. He was abused for years, and more but i don't wanna get into details. Ash lives in the same situation as TJ. Mori literally has multiple personalities and a horrible father.
Sammie has it the worst i guess. I don't even really have the right to complain huh? I don't even know most of what happened with her. Hah, it's funny right? I've known her for what, four years now? They (who have known her for what, four months?) know more about her than i think i ever will.
Well, then there's me. Oh no, little old charlie. She grew up so happy right? Yeah. I did. I had an amazing childhood. I had parties, i had attention, i had love, i had food, i had a place to sleep. I still do. I'm.. what did mom say? To privileged to be upset.
I'm… fine. I lived the perfect life, i live the perfect life. So… I'm not important because I'm not hurt. The only thing keeping me around is my eating disorder, isn't that funny?
To keep myself loved, to have friends, to not lose these people i care so much about, i have to be fucked up. I have to be unhealthy. I have to have SOMETHING wrong, anything at all, and since my something isn't that big, I'm not that important.
I'm not worth walking on eggshells to make sure i don't get upset. I'm not worth texting back. I'm not worth checking in on. I'm not worth i love you's.
But at least I'm here right? At least when Sammie is gone i get to lay with thomas, at least i get to smoke with them, and i get to imagine that everything is perfect, at least i get to have them.
At least i fat thomas right, I'm finally back, what's missing? Everything is normal. I'm at the bottom of the line, I'm still getting some attention, i just… don't want it as bad anymore.
I don't love the way he looks as much. I don't love the way he acts as much, and come to think of it, he isn't even that good at touching me. I like the kisses, i like the grabs, the way he remembers what things i like, but when it gets down to the actual thing i don't really appreciate it as much.
He was never really amazing at it honestly. I just glorified him because i was in love, and how could love be wrong. But truth be told, he goes too hard, too fast, and it doesn't feel amazing.
I used to be thankful for the pain it gave me, because at least i was getting… him. But i do t feel as thankful anymore. I mean, I'm not upset that he's giving me attention, i still love it, it's just not the same.
I don't think I'd break down as bad if he ditched me. I don't think i would. But man, i really just want a boy to love me, why is that so hard to have huh?
I just want kisses like his, i just want grabs like his, i just want love like his, but i want it to be real. Why is that such an unreasonable tho g to ask for? Why does everyone just want to fuck around?
I just want someone tp hug me when I'm sad. I want someone to kiss me when i need it, and honestly i just want to take care of someone.
Sometimes TJ lays in my lap with his head on my legs, and i spend literal hours running my fingers through the little hair that he has. He loves it, i can tell.
Sometimes i trail my hands down his neck and he shivers so i run my fingers down his back. He rises to my touch. He physically begs for me to run my hands all over, it's very cute actually.
It's things like these that have me thinking, just for a second, maybe this is what it's like. This is what it's like to have someone, someone who needs you just as much as you need them.
Oh yeah, remember how we ended last session with a question? What is it that Thomas has that has me so hooked?
I think i know. He treats each person like they are the only one when they are with him. He treats every person that he's with like they are his everything. And that gets me into the mindset that this is what it feels like to be in love.
Well news flash charlie, it's fucking not. He tricked you, and you are finally free, you are only staying because you love the way it feels. But at least you aren't being an idiot anymore. At least you know.