That's a good question. What is wrong? I don't really know. Do I want attention? Do I want to be better? Do I want to be worse? Do I want sex? Do I want love? Do I want company? Do I want to be alone?
I'm not really sure anymore. I'm not sure if I hate my body, but I know I don't want to gain weight. I don't know if I'm still in love with him or if I just want sex. I don't know if I want to fix my life, or dig down deeper.
I don't know anymore. I don't know what I need. I don't even want to be here writing this but I haven't written in a while. I don't want to type this, I'm tired.
Today I colored all over my body. I regretted it because Thomas couldn't bite me or lick me because of the ink. After he left I rubbed my skin raw to remove the art.
I feel very lonely. I wish that a boy would love me. A boy that I could cuddle, kiss, touch. A boy that would love me and only me. A beautiful boy who would make me feel whole.
But isn't that what everyone wants? Love? Yeah. I'm not too special. I'm nothing new or extraordinary. I'm just a girl, who isn't too good looking. Maybe I'm not ugly, but I'm not gorgeous like TJ said.
I want to bleed all of the time, but I wish it didn't sting like that. I like pain, but this just annoys me. I can feel my skin ripping but all I want is a wound. I want to pinch some skin between my fingers and snip it with scissors.
I wish that nobody saw the marks I leave on my body. I regret telling Dan and grace, I wish I could go back in time. I think I might stop hanging out with them for a while. I wish I could, but I know tomorrow morning I'll just go back to them.
I'm starting to lose interest in my well-being. I don't really care what happens to me, but I want to be presentable at least. I want to look like I'm trying, but also like I'm losing my own battle.
I want the skin around my eyes to be violet from lack of sleep. I want my cheeks to be sunken from lack of nutrition. I want my arms to be thin or muscular, not chubby.
I want to be someone who people look at and think, "god I wish I were her." Or, "oh she's pretty." I want to be one of the girls that I see on videos, one of the girls who I could stare at for hours, absorbing all of their beautiful features.
I want to be one of those girls who is so naturally beautiful.
I want lots of things. Lots of things that aren't in my reach. Well, I guess I'll have to settle for what I got, and hurt sometimes. That's all for now, I want to lay down.