Oooh, god. I really really want to do horrible things. I've been receiving these thoughts a lot recently.. I want to snap a razor blade off of my razor that I use to shave. Those blades are so thin and they cut so easily, it's satisfying.
But each time I get close to acting on these impulses, I always have a reason not to. "People will get mad at you" "people will pity you" "people will judge you" "how will you hide them???"
Well guess what. I'm starting to lose interest. I know how to hide them. I want to bleed bleed bleed. I want wounds. I'm starting to lose this stupid war inside my head.
It seems like I think about killing myself every other hour now. I think about loved ones reactions, how I would do the deed, and if I should do it at all. I always close the door with a "I wouldn't ever do that, I don't have the guts." And I don't, but will it always be that way?
My life is amazing and perfect, but I still can't accept it. I still can't live in this perfect life without fucking it up to add some balance. Nothing is perfect right? I need to add a little blood to my skin. I need to!
I really really really want to bleed. I love the never ending gush of red. Bright and thin like water, but not quite. Shiny fire truck red because the cut isn't to deep. But I want it to be deep right?
I want a deep cut, they look nice, but I'm scared of pain. So I'll start with thin light lines. Blood blood blood, I want it to seep from my body. Red red red. It's so pretty, don't you think?
I want to sit crisscross on the floor, sliding a blade across my skin, no expression. I want to watch the blood drip from my side onto the white tile, staining it. I want it to splatter and make a mess.
Then I want to watch until the blood clots and stops bleeding, then I want to grab a napkin and wipe it away like it was never there in the first place.
I love that. I love to wipe it away, I've never done it, but I want to so so so bad. I want to bleed. I want to bruise. I want to have scars, so that I can look at them and remind myself how pretty I am when I bleed.
I'm going to do it. I'm going to cut! I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry.
I'm sorry Thomas, I know you will worry if you find out. Never ever blame yourself, it's not your fault I swear. I just need this. It might feel nice, to have lines on my skin. I know you know how it feels. But I don't want you to feel that, why can't I take my own advice?
I'm sorry Dan. I know this will disgust you. I know that you could never want me to hurt my own body. But is it even mine? My body? It's just a body. It doesn't matter if I draw lines on it.
I'm sorry mori. I know that you worry. I know that you hurt. I love you a lot. Thank you for coming to me when you need to, it makes me feel needed. I usually feel like a burden or a shadow. Thank you for including me in your nightmares.
Sorry jack. I look up to you a lot. I'm sorry you scare me. I'm sorry I don't talk to you about this stuff. It's something about you, maybe it's because I grew up with you. You are my role model, and you tell me that my feelings matter, but for some reason that just makes my heart drop.
I'm going to do it, I'll tell you how it felt.
Was it calming? - absolutely not. It was nerve wracking.
Was it scary? - not scary per say, but I was anxious.
Do you regret it?- no. I want to do it again and again and again.
Did you do it for attention?- I think that this is the first think that I have done that wasn't for attention.
Will you tell anyone you did it? - no.
I'm scared, are you? - I'm not scared anymore. I think I just had my first panic attack.
I stood up from the water, and I could hardly see at all. My vision clouded over and my ears were ringing loud loud loud.
I just needed to get to my room, but I could hardly see and it was hard to stand, but I did it. And I dropped all of my stuff on the floor, and I laid on my back. Then everything was still.
I've done it once now, cut my skin. I'll definitely do it again. Goodnight.