Chapter 17 - Dear dan.

Dear dan, I apologize. I apologize for never giving you my attention, my love, my friendship. I'm sorry, for never devoting my time to you. I'm sorry that you have to sit alone while I sit with Thomas. I'm sorry that I never felt the same way.

I'm sorry that I complain so often. I'm sorry that I never have anything worthwhile to say. I'm sorry that you hurt, and that I can't help. I'm sorry that I lead you on. I'm sorry that you care.

You really shouldn't care, well, about me at least. You're putting energy and devotion into a person who always leaves. I always leave. One day we will hang out for the last time, and I'll leave.

I'll leave because I'm bored. I'll leave because I'm scared. I'll leave because I care, and it's better that I leave sooner than later. I'll leave because I don't belong here. I'll leave because I can, and because I should.

It's always better for me to leave. I truly don't belong with anyone. You have a life to look forward to. You are talking to a really cool guy, you want to do piercings and tattoos, and you're nervous that you might not be good at it. You have two amazing best friends that are so important, and help you through everything.

TJ and jay. Sometimes you fight, but it's okay. You always drift back together, like a match made in heaven. You three are unbreakable. You have been together far longer than I have been with anyone, and I think that's one of the reasons that I shouldn't be here.

I am a problem causer, I have a habit of bringing drama wherever I go. You guys have enough problems already, too many problems actually. Each time I hear about your past, or how you have been hurt, my heart drops.

You have gone through so much shit, and I know you say that I shouldn't down talk my problems because other people have it worse, but my problems aren't shit next to any of yours.

Yeah, one of my best friends told me that I might as well hang myself, but what the fuck. I'm sure you've been told to kill yourself so many times. I don't deserve to rant or vent, because my problems are small. I just build them up because I want to feel special.

I'm not special. I don't really have any passions. You have passions and skills, and you are so much better than I am. The only thing I have going for me is school, but I'm already starting to give up on that.

What can I do, huh? What am I going to do with myself? I just want to drop out and go to Florida with you guys. I don't belong there. I definitely don't deserve to live with you guys. You would hate me, and I know you would feel bad, but I would make you so uncomfortable that you would eventually have me leave.

I don't want to put you in that position, in one that you have to tell me to leave. I know that you'd feel so guilty. So, I might as well leave now. I should stop going over. I tell this to myself every night, but I can never seem to take action. I need to stop.

I'm going to stop one day, maybe when you guys go to Florida I'll stay here so you can finally have me out of your hair.

Doesn't it sound so nice? You, jay, and Thomas living together? Maybe have some friends over on the weekends, maybe you'll be dating someone? Maybe that guy you have been talking to, ya know, the brit?

Hah, man. I really wish that I had someone to care about. I really want someone to hug and kiss. Someone who loves me back, someone who doesn't have to struggle with me. Someone who I can scream and cry with.

I'm getting off topic, but I guess it doesn't matter. I'm never going to show this to you, and if you ever end up reading it then I'm sorry. You have your nose in my journal and you are going to be reading some nasty shit that I have never told anyone.

This journal is so full of bullshit, I can't even bear to re-read it sometimes. I've deleted to many entries because of how horrible they were. I just use this to say things that I'm unable to say.

How could I ever say this shit anyways? I'm in love with Thomas! I love to sit with you and do stupid shit! I really want to smoke with you again, it's so fun! I love friend kisses but if they get passionate I get scared! I want to go for a drive!

I want to leave this stupid fucking town. I don't want to ever look back. I want to drive and drive and drive for hours on end until I have no idea where i am. I want to be in a new place, and soak in satisfaction once I can navigate the area without help.

I want to find abandoned buildings. I want to find secret rooms. I want to spray paint on walls. I want to be alone, no I don't. I want to explore new and incredible places with you Dan!

I want to play rock band with you, how fun would that be! I want to scream to songs with you, going 90 on a freeway. I want to get drunk with you. I want to get high with you. I want you to love my company, and ask to hang out all the time. I want to be your best friend!

I want to cry with you, and tell you that I understand. I want to break into a building at two in the morning to sneak around, trying to muffle our giggles. I want to feed you Chinese food while you feed me Chinese food, that was fun.

I want to have inside jokes, and I want to laugh at the most stupid things! I want to laugh so hard that my throat hurts, and I can't speak. I want to scream into pillows with you. I want to talk about everything with you.

I wish that I had a really close bond with you, with all of you! I wish I had met you in middle school, and we became best friends. I wish that I was there to help you through all of your hard times, and that I had never met joey.

I wish that I was there when you helped Thomas with Noah, and that I was there to help him too. I wish that I was the first person you went to when you where sad, and I wish that I was as hurt as you.

Now that is selfish.

You have such an amazing bond with jay and Thomas and miles. You guys have gone through it all together, I'm pretty sure you even broke apart at one point.

Since I've become friends with you all, a lot of stuff has happened. I never really realized it but, I've been through some stuff with you too!

I don't know what happened with miles and Lucy in the past, but since I started hanging out with you, you all have made up and become friends again.

You finally got out of your families house, and moved in with Thomas. That was a big step, and it's been hurting you just about as much as it's been helping you.

You went to the mental hospital, and it didn't go horribly, but it was nicer there than it is here. Mori also went to the hospital, and she feels the same about coming back to reality.

You broke up with the two people you where with when we became friends, and you were so upset and suicidal, that it made me cry. I'm glad that I cried, it's one of the only ways that I can show how much I care.

You and Thomas and jay went and stayed in a hotel and smoked and drank a ton! And you did some stuff with Thomas, and I'm honestly pretty sure you regret it, but you've never said that so I won't assume.

Me and you went to get bubble tea and sat on the roof of the parking garage. I think about that day all of the time, it really makes me miss summer.

I love it when it's warm. We can hang out at night, and go downtown without freezing. In fact, we get a little too warm! I want to sneak out one night and hang out with you.

I'm really excited for the summer, we are making so many plans! I want to go on a road trip with you all so bad, I can't even express how much I want that. I want to take you and mori to Georgia, and have so many fun nights.

We could sneak out and go down to the lake to swim! I really hope you can come! I want to spend the rest of my life with you all, but I can't.

I can't spend much more time with you, because I don't belong with you. You, jay, Thomas, miles, and grace. I think that is how it should be, and you Thomas and jay should move in together.

I wonder if you avoid talking about future plans when I'm around, because you know they don't include me? I wonder if you get annoyed whenever I talk. I wonder if you don't even want me around in the first place.

I wonder if you think I'm ugly but only say I'm not because you don't want to offend me. I wouldn't be offended, seriously. I think that I value your opinions over my own any day.

In fact, I don't value my own opinions at all. I think that what I want doesn't really matter, so the best I can do is starve myself to do exactly what I don't want.

Dude, I love food! Seriously. It's one of the many reasons that I don't eat it. Because I want to! I need to resist urges, this body only looks like this because I don't eat. And it's really the only thing that I can take pride in sometimes, so I'm sorry that I don't want to eat.

Anyways, I've gotten really off topic, but this is my letter to you Daniel. I'm really sorry that I was never enough, and I'm sorry if I ever caused you stress. I love you a bunch, and if you are reading this, I'm sorry.

Something must have gone terribly wrong.