I've been stupid. I have not been helping myself at all, and I think that may be why my mental health has been dropping. I've accepted that Thomas won't be mine, I've accepted that he's in love.
I've accepted that I'm not his type. But, I still haven't let him go. It's hard, to let someone go. It's especially hard when they treat you so special, even if they don't love you.
It's so hard for me to let him go. I know what I have to do, but I could never bring myself to do it. I know that all of the cuddling and touching is only making my situation worse, but I just can't stop.
I'm clinging to something, that if I don't let go of soon, will shred my hands. It's smarter for me to let go now, and only get a couple scratches, but I'm too scared to bleed.
If I keep holding on, my hands will only hurt a little. If I let go now, my skin will rip. But if I hold on, never let go, at least not without the intention to, my hands may as well be ripped apart.
In order to safe myself, I need to stop. Stop cuddling. Stop touching. Stop letting myself be touched. Stop going over even, if that's what it takes. But it is so incredibly hard to do.
How could I not hug him, when he wants a hug? How could I not hold him, when he's there to be held? How could I not touch him, when I want to repay him? How could I stop him from touching me, when it's what I want so so bad?
It's so hard to help yourself. It's so hard to let go, to move on! Why can't I move on? It's what I want, it's what I need. But it's also the last thing I want.
I want to promise myself that I won't cuddle. I won't hug, hold hands, kiss, touch, or even go over to him. I just can't! I can't make a promise I know that I will break, because that hurts me too.
I will need to do it eventually, I can't just stop loving him without giving myself space first. I just need to be near him so bad. It really is just like nicotine.
I've gotten hooked on it, and in order to stop, I need to lower my usage over time. I guess that this once or twice a week hangout thing is good for me, I just really don't like it.
I want to love my friends for being my friends. Not just because Thomas is there! I want to value them because they value me. And I think that I will, one day.
Right now, I'm in love with Thomas. I really am, and it's really bad for me. Each time I am reminded that he isn't mine and that he never will be, it hurts a lot. I'm not his type, he has a girlfriend, grace is prettier.
Every harsh fact, cuts really deep. And I know that those things are true. I know that I have accepted that, but that they will still hurt me.
I know that one day, I will be able to look back and laugh, thinking; "man. We really where all in love with him at one point right?" But now is not that time, And probably is nowhere near it actually.
I can't wait for the day that we can hang out, as friends. I've never hung out with him as friends yet. I will, maybe not soon, one day, look at him, and love him; the same way that he loves me.
Friends.
I really can't wait! That's something that I look forward too so much! I'm super excited! Super thrilled, that one day I'll be happy without him cuddling me, or even touching me.
I'll be happy with jokes, smiles, YouTube, and games. Walks, shopping, ice skating, and cemetery music at night. I'll be happy with friends.
I'll have friends, Real ones. And that's all that they will be. But I know that first, I need to work for it. First I need to earn it. First, I need to make some changes, and turn my life around.