I think that things are starting to fade. Not necessarily in a bad way, no, in a way that all things do. I'm starting to realize that my obsession with him doesn't have to be what I thrive off of, and that I may have been hurting others around me because of it.
My obsession, is slowly starting to fade. I thought it never would. I loved him so much that it killed me to be away from him, but now I love him so much that I worry. I loved him so much, that he was the only reason I was there, but now I love him so much, that I am here for all of them.
I loved him so much, that it wasn't very good for me, in any shape or form. I craved his touches over any other, and to be honest, I still do, but it is slowly fading. I do have a feeling though, that I will never fully lose the love I have for him.
The love that I have for him, it's so new to me. Something I have never had before. Something that is so special, and unique, that I didn't know how to hold it. So I gripped it, bare handed, and it seared the skin from my bones.
But now, I'm learning the ropes. Ive pulled my hands away from from it, and I'm wrapping my wound. It still hurts, it stings and bleeds, it's red and raw. But at least, it's not against the hot metal any more.
I think, that the action of bare handed grabbing, must have been my ignorance. I ignored dan, jay, ash, and grace. I only wanted him after all. I asked for his time, far too often.
I ignored the others, and I realize now that I may have hurt them. How much more would it have hurt them if they could see my thoughts? That I was only using them, to get closer to him?
How would he feel, knowing that I used his friends like that? Who he has been with through thick and thin? Who are a part of him, this cast iron pot. They are baked into that molten rock, because they built him.
I now realize that they are him, and he is them. Dan, jay, grace, and him, they are a packaged deal. And I welcome that now, even if I couldn't bear it before. I love them all, even if I love him a little differently, I love them all the same.
Our bonds are special. And maybe mine are thin. Still knitting and knotting together. Still new and fresh. Maybe theirs are old and wise, knitting, knotting together, bigger, Better. Maybe they are. But I think I am still with them.
I'm in this cluttered bunch, I would say whether they like it or not, but we all know that's not true.
I don't think that I have gotten to that point yet. And as grace has pointed out, I have taken steps towards being ok. I'm getting there, torturously slow, but I'm getting there either way.
I'm so proud to say that! I'm really, truly, getting there. I can't believe that I didn't know how hurt I really was. But in the same few months, these friends of mine, saviors, life keepers, they helped me realize. Realize that I am a person.
I am me! I am *name*. Even if the name feels wrong on my tongue. That is me. I am a tall, fifteen year old girl. I am not alone. I am in the tenth grade. And I have five special friends.
I like to earn my own money. I am a swimmer. I am beautiful! (I'm not too sure about that one yet, but I'll say it nonetheless!) I am Smart, Strong, brave, If I put my mind to it.
I am a little lazy, I am insecure, I am strange. I have some qualities that others may not like. I may not be able to deal with that yet. I may be loud, sometimes. I may have a strange laugh, I'm not too sure. But all of that, is me. I'm still me. And I always will be, even if this skin feels like a jacket.
I am me. I am *name*. I am *nickname*. This is me, and I'm gonna have to deal with it.