I don't belong here. Not here, with them. Not with jay, dan, or Thomas. I don't have the right to sit here, and listen to them. I don't deserve to be within the vicinity of them.
I sit here, all high on these feelings that I shouldn't have. Love, lust, affection, care. I don't deserve them, and I'm fooling myself into thinking that they are here.
I really hate myself. I fake all of these problems that I don't really have. I don't twitch, I don't feel the need to harm myself. I'm doing all of this stupid shit for attention that I'm not even getting.
I act like I'm so special. I'm so important. Like I deserve all of their attention and care, and like they don't have the real problems.
These are problems that people really have, and deal with, and I'm sitting here, pretending like I do. I really want to fit in. Thomas, dan, grace, and jack; they all deal with serious problems that I couldn't even pretend to understand.
Why do I want to be messed up? Why do I want something so horrible to happen to me? Why do I want someone I love to die, or, to be hurt so bad, that I would never be the same? Because, everything I do, every little action I make, or word I say, is for attention.
What do I get from it? What do I get from all of this Bullshit?? Absolutely nothing. I really need to get over my thirst for attention. My friends are dealing with real problems. Mine are nothing compared to theirs.
My friends.. can I really call them my friends? No. They aren't mine. I don't deserve their pity, their love, time, attention. I'm nothing. I'm just a speck of dirt, in an ocean of people. No one would notice if I dissolved into nothing.
I have no function, or use to society. I'm just here. Why am I here? Why do I care so much??? Why do I need so much love, care, and attention? Why do I melt under the eyes of someone I will never meet again?
I don't understand why my heart hurts so much. I don't understand why I care so much. Why I cower under my peers. Why I stare at my feet. Why I shake under pressure.
These are questions that can only be answered with the obvious. Because the human mind yearns for attention. For care. For touch, love, and praise. The human mind yearns for things that it doesn't need, but things that can hurt it.
The human mind shrinks away from disappointment. From hatred, belittlement. It cowers in fear of ignorance. Such a stupid thing to fear.
Why do I feel the need to bond with others? Why can't I live my own life, and go about my own path? It's so hard, to do anything asked of me. I just want to sit with the people I care about.
The people I praise. The people I put above myself, and everything else for that matter. The people that don't care about me as much as I care about them. The people that don't know, that I practically worship them.
The people that don't understand. The people that I won't let in, because I'm too scared to lose. The people that probably only stay because of pity. The people that should leave me.
The people that I should leave, because I'm sure that they don't want me here. I should just leave. I really should. I can't though. Because they are my reason for living, and if I left, I would want to die. I don't like being sad, but crying feels good.