I really miss everything, you know? I really miss waking up, and being told that it was a snow day. I miss staying up late and playing truth or dare. I miss smiling and laughing, without being afraid of judgment. How long has it been?
How long has it been since I've truly been carefree? How long has it been since I was free? How long have I been running in circles, trying to tell myself that I have a purpose. How long have I been trying to cry? How long have I been missing everything?
How long has it been since I loved school, friends, family? How long has it been since those late summer drives, those laughing fits, those careless cries?
Laughing, giggles, smiles. Swimming, jumping, running? Waking up, not wanting to sleep, or even bathe? Throwing a fit when I had to eat my vegetables?
This isn't it. This need for attention, for pain, for tears. These long hot showers, these endless sleepless nights, these long tiring weeks. These torturous papers, these exhausting school days, and every night ends with a breakdown.
How am I supposed to live like this? How am I supposed to spend my days crying over the same stupid thing?
Friends, family, school, sleep, clean, what next? I just want to go for a long night time drive, and fall asleep to the rocking of the car. I want to sing loud, to laugh hard, to run free, without being held back by these fears. Fears of abandonment, of judgment, of hatred, of disgust.
I want to hug tightly. I want to scream loud. I want to break the rules. I want to play rock band, I want to eat snow cones, I want to sneak out to the pool at midnight. I want to chase the dog who doesn't want to be pet. I want to bake, I want to draw, I want to paint, I want to sew, I want to ski, I want to ride bikes, I want to look at the stars, I want to knit, I want to watch movies, I want to go crab hunting, I want to get bug bites, I want to have a sunburn, I want to play hide and seek, I want to do flips on a trampoline, I want to have a bonfire, I want to roast marshmallows, I want to sell golf balls, I want to organize art supplies, I want to make jokes, I want to have a role model, I want to laugh with a group, I want to go to a concert, I want to find things I have in common with a stranger, I want to be used as an example in class, I want to find new music, I want to steal my aunts makeup, I want to sneak around with friends, I want to jump, I want to dance, I want to hug, I want to love, I want to play games, I want to smile.
I want to smile, really. I want you to see my happiness shining in my eyes. I want to smile so bad. I want to leave this town, this state. I want to drive all through the day and night. I want to lean my head on the window and listen to cars drive next to us. I want to go on an adventure. I want to laugh with you. I want to play cards against humanity, I want to have play fights, I want to cuddle, I want to have serious talks, I want to be included in the drama, I want to talk about my feelings, I want to cry with you, I want all of us to cry together! I want us to all sit together, faces in our hands, tears running down our cheeks, letting everything go.
I want to let all of this out to you all, and I want you to empathize with me. I want to listen to twenty one pilots, and sad music with you all. I want to empathize with you, to understand you. I want you to know what I am going through, and tell me that you know! You know how it feels to feel worthless, to miss it all. How it feels to hate yourself, and to lay in bed all day, soaking in regret. How it feels to miss the summer nights, the snow days, the friendships. The smiles, the frowns, all of it! The mistakes, the embarrassments, the bruises, anything. The want to go back in time, to be eleven again.
Before everything was over. Before summer was over. Summer break. Can I spend it with you?