I think, that I've convinced myself that I'm not as pretty as grace. Well, not in the face at least. Grace has such a beautiful face. She has such a happy face, and her skin is smooth and vibrant.
everything that I want my face to be. I know that I should be happy with where I am. I worked hard to get here after all, but grace, is so beautiful. I'm so close to accepting my body as it is, but my real problem is my face.
Some days, I think it is beautiful. But it always seems like those days are the ones that always remember to remind me, that I'm not enough. And I never will be.
Why, can't I be enough? Why can't I stare life in the face, and say "fuck you!" If I can't do that.. then what can I do? If I don't even have enough courage to stand up for myself, then I don't think I'll ever be able to truly feel fulfilled.
Maybe, I take his words to heart too easily, because well, I love him. And we've gone over this. Each time that I think my love for him is fading, I see his face again; and everything comes rushing back.
Butterflies. Just like the first time he told me to join him on the couch. This anxiety hardly deserves the name of such an innocent creature. It crushes me, makes me sick. It's more like a Boulder than a butterfly.
It's always sitting there, waiting for me to stand, all too fast. And when I do, I lose my balance, and topple onto him all over again. Each time I think I'm losing interest, or even want to avoid looking at him, I think it's because I'm losing the love for him that sits in my gut.
No, that's not it. I'm terrified. I know what will happen if I meet his eyes. If I share his touch, if I accept his invitation. I will drop down, once again, into something that I can't handle. The truth.
The truth, that he won't ever love a girl like me. The truth that I'm not his, he's not mine. The truth that he loves another girl. The truth that he only wants me to be happy, and that he's only stringing me along because he cares.
Maybe he doesn't know that he's stringing me along like that. Maybe he thinks he's really helping me. Maybe he thinks that my love for him will fade, if I see who he really is. But it can't!
How could it! He is so beautiful! Tall, strong, sharp. Kind, caring, cute. All that I could ever want! Or need! But I won't ever have. It makes my heart drop down to sit next to the Boulder when I say that.
I will NEVER have him. I need to get it in my head!!! He IS NOT mine! I don't own him! I don't even deserve to be near him, with the way I look at him. He looks at me with the eyes of a friend. I look at him with the eyes of a hallucinatory teenage girl.
At least, I'm lucky enough to hold him. Have him hold me. Touch me. Most girls don't ever get that chance. I think that, I would be ok with what we had now, if I thought that he loved me. But because I'm fully aware of the situation, I just can't.
Everything feels so WRONG. All I want is for him to love me! I can't make him. And even if I could, how could I ever force such an important emotion on someone I care so deeply about?
It's like, over the course of what, three months? This man has taken over my entire life! It feels like, I could be with him forever! Suddenly, I've expanded my horizons.
I understand every cheesy romantic novel, movie, story, everything! It's not so cheesy, when you are experiencing it. Everything feels like a dream, everything feels perfect, until I remember that he won't ever love me back.
It's such a dumb thing to be freaking out about. But it's all I ever think about. It's all that ruins me. It ruins me. I'm so, upset. All of the time. I can't seem to think straight. It's dumb.
And the worst of all, is that I'm way too embarrassed to talk to anyone about how much this is crushing me. It's CRUSHING ME!
I'm stuck under this massive rock, and it only seems to grow with time. I can't, I can't stop it. I can't stop this. I'm stuck, under this rock. And I fear, that it will leave me permanently hurt.
I fear, that this will have long lasting injuries.
I think, I'm falling harder.
I think, I really want to cry.
And I think, that I can't.
I really need a hug from him.
I guess I know why it's called a crush.