"Are you ready?" John asks, as I stand from the bed. I was finally going home and I couldn't get out of there fast enough.
I hadn't seen Ander or Mark and I was getting worried. I was tempted to call them but I would end up talking myself out of it.
I mindlessly follow John and Angie out not really focusing on anything but to put one foot in front of the other. Each time I wake up I felt more drained than when I had fallen asleep. I was worrying to the point that I made myself believe the next time I get this violently sick I might not wake up at all.
I had to make decisions that would not only affect me but all those around me. I can't give up fighting. I wasn't going to be like her. I wouldn't leave those behind to pick up the pieces. I have to stop focusing on the bad and aim for the better.
In the car John and Angie were doing small talk, not that it was unusual, it was that they were clearly trying to cheer me up.
"How about that ice-" John began.
"Don't you dare!" Angie quickly interrupted. Causing me and John to jump at her tone. "We will not discuss that anymore. It's cursed."
John looks at her in terror as he quickly turns his attention to the road. I had my mouth open. I was stunned. John looks at me through the rear view mirror when our eyes connected we began to laugh. We laughed like never before. My stomach was hurting from the laughter. I wiped some tears away. We came to a stop when Angie was just sitting on the passenger side with her arms crossed and an annoyed look on her face.
"Anges, babe, you can't possibly think that," John says through some laughs. He ends up clearing his throat and seizing his laughter when Angie glares at him.
I close my mouth tightly. I did not want to be on the receiving end of her glares.
"I'm not risking it, it's prohibited, got it?" Angie says, sternly.
"Yes," both John and I answer. We laugh but soon stop. I opt to look out the window as John apologizes.
Taking my phone out I'm tempted again to call them but I end up convincing myself a text was so much better.
Clicking on the message app, for the first time, I see that there's a conversation already saved.
It was addressed to a contact under the name of My Love with the blushing smiley face with hearts around it. Ander.
Clicking on the convo it pulls up a long message, that he clearly wrote to me but sent to himself.
ME: Even though you may not be ready for a relationship with me, I want you to know that I'll be here for you. Wether it be for the good, the bad, or the ugly. Especially the ugly, I want you to know that I'll never pressure you into anything you're not ready for. Even if it takes years. I'll be here. I'll wait. Why? You may wonder, and I'm sure you can think of reasons, but it's because I know in my heart you are worth the wait. You're worth it. All the that comes with relationships, all that comes with loving someone so fiercely. When I first saw you and I saw into a part of your life I couldn't think of anything but having the need to be there for you. To not just tell you you'll be okay but to show you. To show you that love isn't a curse, it's our salvation. I want you to know that I'm not going anywhere. Even if you decide you don't want to be with me, I want you to know if you ever need me don't hesitate to call me. I'll be there. I got you.
I hadn't realized I was crying until a tear fell on the screen. His words dug deep inside me. I don't deserve this kind of love and devotion. He did, I didn't.
I can sense John and Angie staring at me. I look up to see we had arrived. Wiping my eyes I laugh. "Sorry, I'm just being emotional."
Angie looks like she's about to cry as well. I look between them trying to find something to say to break this moment. "How about some cookies?"
I smile awkwardly, making them both laugh.
"I could bake some. I have this recipe that will blow you away," Angie says, excitedly. She jumps out the truck and rushes inside. John snorts following her.
"Aren't you coming?" He asks when I just stand outside the truck.
"I'll catch up. Fresh air," I say. He nods as Angie calls for him. "Next time suggest brownies as well," John pleads, as I laugh.
I take a minute to myself. I head towards the backyard, I hadn't been here at all.
"Are you going to lurk or come out and talk to me?" I say. Sitting on the ground I pretend to meditate.
"I didn't know if you wanted to see me," Mark comes closer.
"You know I would have told you if I didn't. Is that why been avoiding me?" I open one eye to look at him.
"Yes, no, maybe? I been a little busy with...things," he said very vaguely.
"Is there anything I need to worry about?" I come to stand before him.
"No, not at all," he tries to reassure me. There it is, the guy I know.
"Don't lie to me, Mark, you know it's better for me to know things instead of trying to save me the 'worry'. It's better I know than blindly do something that can mess everything up."
"There's nothing we can't handle."
"There's a lot of we when it's just you. I'm not guilt tripping you," I defend. He looked as if he was going to explain something he can't even share with me.
"So you're not mad at me?" He asks warily.
"I'm not mad, I told you before that I get you have your own life, and it might or may not include me. But alas, I will not hold that over your head. Which brings me to the matter of us communicating. You will have to have your phone on you at all times. It's now a part of you. Have it off silence, have it always on, and fully charged. I still can't believe Bass answered me."
Mark scoffs as he sits in front of me. "He always has his on him."
"Oh! I want my own ringtone. Not the default ones either. Also, make my texts sound like crickets because this will get awkward." I tell him, as I sit back down.
"Yes, ma'am. What song would you like as a ringtone?" He asks taking his phone out. Seems like he's been holding on to it.
"I don't know," I was coming out blank. As if all the songs I've ever heard or loved just vanished from my mind.
"Maybe I should put our song," Mark offers.
"We have a song?"
Mark gasps, looking as if I had offended him.
"I swear, if you're making up that we have a song to get at me I'll hurt you," I really was trying to remember if we even had one. I was coming in blank.
He laughs. "Nah, we don't. Was just messing with you. So what song do you want?"
"I don't know."
"You're the one that wanted one, how is it that you don't have one in mind?"
"Don't pressure me, if it wasn't for you blocking me off we wouldn't be in this situation." I scoff.
"So much for not using it against me," Mark mumbles.
"Shut up!"
We laugh. "If only Bass was here, he's have one already in mind."
I take my phone out.
"What are you doing?"
"Texting Bass, duh!" I tell him.
After waiting a minute I receive a text. "So proficient, Bass says..." I trail off. I laugh as I read his message.
"What? What did he say?" Mark becomes impatient. He tries to look at my phone but I cover it.
"Hurts doesn't it?" I say, jokingly. "He says that my ringtone should be Sweet Child O' Mine, and yours-" I begin to laugh. I can't help but enjoy Mark's annoyed look. "He said I should put yours as donkey noises. To know when the jackass calls."
Mark looked upset but soon laughed with me. I was wiping my tears away when he becomes quiet.
"What's wrong? I'm not going to do that, Bass was just messing around," I say letting a few laughs escape.
"It's not that, I'm-I'm sorry for not being there for you," he admits. He clearly looks like he's been kicking himself. The fact that he feels that way sobers me up. I can tell he's trying to be strong for the both of us. He must be losing it.
I get close to him, resting my head on his shoulder, I interlock our arms. "I'm better. I don't blame you or expect you to always pick me up when I fall. You and me we're forever. We'll get through this just like everything else. You know why? Because we have each other."
He sighs but I can tell it's still eating away at him. I can try to reassure him all I want but it doesn't change the fact that I'm dying. I guess I wasn't the only one that needed the other.
"Come, I think Angie is baking enough cookies for the whole town. I'm going to need help cleaning all of that up," I pull his arm, making him stand up with me. I smile at him before dragging him inside.
Angie baked for the whole state. She was still mixing more ingredients together to make at least four more batches. There were cooling racks all over the small kitchen. John was taking another set out of the oven when we came in.
"Wow," is all I could manage.
"Oh, hey, didn't hear you guys come in, want some cookies?" Angie cheerfully offers.
I turn to see Mark beam at the onslaught of cookies. All different kinds, oatmeal, snickerdoodle, chocolate chip, and sugar cookies. I was just amazed that she managed to do all of that while I was outside. How long was I out there?
"Don't mind if I do," Mark happily gets a whole rack for himself.
My phone dings with a text.
MY LOVE: Hey, how are you? Sorry I missed you, if you need anything I'm here for you.
"Woffs daff?" Mark says, with his mouth full. He was shoving as many cookies as he could. Angie kept filling his rack with more cookies.
I put my phone away, "no one." I shove a cookie in mouth. Shrugging I go get more cookies. "They're delicious, thank you!"
Angie looked up and smiled. She looked like she was happy to be doing something. "Yes, the best. Seriously, my offer still stands. I pay well."
We laugh as Mark continues to devour as much as he could.
I drag Mark out of the kitchen when he started making suggestions on what other kind Angie should make. We head to my room where I come to a stop. In the bookshelf there were more books. I let go of Mark to get a better look at the titles. Each was more depressing than the previous, story wise, which made me look at him questioningly.
"Mind explaining," I say pointing at the books.
Mark just shrugs. He plots on the bed eating the last of his cookies.
"Mark, these are all sad books, why are you reading them?"
He just stares at the ceiling not saying anything.
"I thought they would help," he admits, quietly.
"What?"
"I thought that they would help me find a way to help you. To make it...less painful."
I come to sit next to him. "Is that why you kissed me?"
He slowly nods, "I wanted you to feel love with all the pain. I thought I could give you-"
"A love interest?" I laugh. It was getting too real. I was not liking that. "Mark, I'm not going to die. I'll find a way to fix this, to fix me."
Mark sighs, "I don't doubt that you will but I'm worried. I'm worried that you're only finding a way to 'fix you' for us and not for yourself. What is the point of you getting better if you're only going to let yourself suffer. You're going to let yourself get miserable."
I'm shocked by the turn of this conversation. I just sit there listening to him as anger becomes profound.
"You have no plan of joining a pack, you have no plan of bonding with your mate, you have no plan at all of your future. You have everything right at the reach of your arms and you choose to ignore it. What's the point? Why do I feel like you think if you do let yourself be loved you'll somehow end up like your mother? Can't you see? You're one step closer to becoming her when you stray from the love that is at your disposal."
I stare out the window as I let every word course throw me. I was angry, I was hurt, I was ashamed. In a way he is right in the other I'm more than capable of making my own decisions and deciding what's best for me.
"I don't want you to suffer, Vee. I want you to get better because you'll be happy. Because you'll finally feel anything that isn't pain. I need you to actually live, and not just another day."
I stay quiet. I have nothing to say. What could I possibly say?
"Here," he offers me his last cookie. "You're worth so much more than you give yourself credit for. You're worth giving my last cookie to."
I try to laugh but a sob comes out. I hated crying. I never wanted to cry in my life. I couldn't help it. It seemed like lately that's all I could do.
Mark held me as I silently wept.
After a while, we just sat there in each other's embrace.
"Don't-don't tell Tristan," Mark quietly says, "don't tell him I read books."
I laugh as he shifts. "I promise."
"Maybe we should go help with the cleaning," Mark suggests.
"You just want more cookies," I tease.
"That too," he offers me his hand. Taking it we walk downstairs together. Hand in hand.
Angie and John were already finishing up when we got to the kitchen. "We can make dinner," Mark offers.
"All taken care of. We ordered take out." John informs us.
"How about that movie and i-" I cover his mouth before he could say anything. Angie looked like she was about to have a heart attack. "A movie sounds great," I add, shaking my head to Mark. He looked confused but ultimately let it go.
Once the food arrived we decided to eat in the family room. After a few minutes of thinking I could win an argument I reluctantly agreed to choose the movie.
The Burke's had a whole arsenal of movies. It was kind of overwhelming. The one that caught my eye was on clearly the children section. It had all those you'd grow up on, showing you a better life. I unknowingly grab Lilo & Stitch, it was one of the movies that just stuck with me. The Holts has shown it to me. It holds a dear place in my heart and memories. I quickly put it back and grab Lord of the Rings. It was Mark's favorite, plus John would thank me for choosing it instead of my first option. Angie...I'll just make it up to her somehow else.
I sit next to Mark resting my head on his shoulder, as he puts his arm around me. John was clearly happy with my choice. I didn't pay attention to the movie as I let my mind wander. I was still replaying my conversation with Mark. As if sensing me Mark shifts. I don't look at him as I get more comfortable. I was going to die without being happy, that's what he wanted to say. Do I want to be happy? Do I deserve to be happy? Who's to say I'm not happy right now?
I knew the answer, I just danced around it. I was afraid. That's all it comes down to. I'm afraid of what love entices.
I was going to talk to Tristan, tonight. I'll just sneak out my bedroom window. I just hope I'm not too late.