The weekend came and went faster than I had anticipated. I spent all of my days in bed. Ander has called me to cancel, he said he wouldn make it up to me. I was upset to say the least. I was really looking forwards to our talk.
I knew he had a great reason why he had to bail but I really did want to see him. The more time I spend with him the stronger I feel our bond is getting. It was scary to say the least but it was something I was willing to see through.
Not saying that I was going all in but I'm willing to take it slow.
I was driving myself insane with all my thoughts and doubts. What if Ander hates the real me? Can you despise your mate? What was Otto doing? What did he want with me? What was he scheming? Is Mark in danger? Was that why he's blocking me off because he didn't want me to find out?
Tomorrow was Monday, which meant I was back in school. Which meant, Ander. My heart flutters at the thought of him, of the night we spent together.
Then reality comes back dragging me away from the blissful memories.
I hated today. I hated how it made me feel. I deserve to spend this day wallowing alone.
Angie and John had invited me to go shopping with them but I had declined. I wasn't in the mood to do anything. The look of relief on John's face when I declined hurt me more than I'd like to admit. I don't blame them, if I were stuck with me, which I am, I'd come to resent me; which I have. I bet they regret not getting a dog instead.
"Cookie for your thoughts?" Mark says.
"Penny, penny for your thoughts," I correct.
I hadn't notice him come in. I was so stuck in my head that sometimes I lose sight of reality. I wish he was in my mind with me, he'd be able to snap me out.
"Well that's stupid, I'd prefer cookies. Speaking of which did Bass give you your new phone?"
I nod. I don't look at him as I keep my eyes straight ahead, towards the ceiling. I had my hands interlocked on my chest as I stared into oblivion.
Bass had come back yesterday to hand it to me. When I asked him to stay with me he said he couldn't. He left me. I didn't have the energy or the strength to call anyone else. I didn't want to be alone last night but that's how I spent it. I really hated today.
"I got you some cookies actually," Mark says. He conjures a bag with all types of cookies inside. They were crumbled together. I shake my head. I wasn't hungry.
Mark digs in enjoying every bite. I knew better to think I'm above food. I knew my place.
After a mouth full he sighs. Dumping the bag on the ground by my bed he comes to sit by me.
"You can't just stay here and wallow, Vee."
"Wanna bet?"
He leans over to obscure my view of the ceiling. He looked concern. "You're not alone."
I push him away as I go limp towards the windowsill seat. I grab the bear he had won me from the ground it rested on and clutch it. I rest my head on the glass as I stare outside.
He comes to kneel before me, I don't turn to him.
"I know what today means to you—you can go visit them if it makes you feel better."
I slowly turn to face him, I give him a blank stare before turning back to looking outside.
"Vee, they're your parents. It's okay to miss them. To want them to be here with you. It's okay to grieve them."
I shake my head. It's not. My time to mourn them has long past. I don't deserve to feel anything towards them. Yet, every time I think of them I feel anger brewing inside me. I can't think about them any longer. I can't face the emotions that they bring out of me.
"Vee, listen to me, I know it's hard for you-"
I laugh. "Hard for me? No, it was hard for them! They had all that time to tell me what I was and they didn't. They decided to keep the most crucial thing about me in the dark. They left me alone when I needed them the most. I can't-I can't see them. I can't grieve them. I can't, I just can't."
I don't look at him. I would break if I did.
"It's their anniversary and you can choose to ignore that but don't despise your own birthday because of them. Now more than ever."
"I haven't celebrated this day in years, why now? What makes today different?"
"You had your mother and even if she wasn't completely there she was still by your side. It must be hard now that they're both gone. I just don't want you to be alone."
He rest his head on my thigh. I reach for him, digging my hands in his hair. I know he doesn't want me here feeling sorry for myself but I really didn't have the energy to be anyone's company.
The Holts have tried to make this day special for me but all I did was get angry and resentful that they had come to respect my choice of forgetting this day altogether. The anger that their memory brought me always managed to damper my day. I hated them for so long that it's all I can associate them with. I wasn't ready to go down that rabbit hole but I do hope one day I can look back and see them for who they were and not what I've come to think of them.
"How about some training? Bass said your last attempt was rudely interrupted."
I look at him, "Bass for some reason hates me."
"That's far from the truth. He's still hurt from what we did."
"What did you do? What did you kept from him? Why would he be mad at me, I didn't lie to him."
"Anything else you'd like to know?" Mark teases.
"Plenty, but you made it clear we couldn't talk about it."
He diverts his eyes. He looks torn.
"Wait, you're telling me that what you're hiding from me is the same thing you hid from him? Only difference being he knows it but I'm still in the dark."
Mark slowly nods. He turns to pace by my bed. He wanted to say something but quickly shuts his mouth.
It went on for a few minutes before Ash came through the window. Maybe I should have locked that today.
"Love what you've done with the place," she tells me cheerfully.
I look at her, "I haven't done anything."
She shrugs smiling brightly. She comes to hug me and give me a kiss on the cheek. She looked sad when she pulled away since I didn't really return her embrace.
"I came because I have some dresses I bought and wanted to get your opinion on them," she smiles wickedly.
"I'm not really in the mood to be your model," I look back out the window.
"Oh come on! This will be fun and we can spend more time together."
"I'm sorry, Ash but I'm just not up to doing anything." I clutch the bear tighter.
"Come on, Vee. Just humor me, please? I swear to never bother you about fashion ever again." Ash kneels by me. Her eyes pleading me.
"Ash, you never bother me with anything. I'm just not in the mood. Please understand that."
"Bass is mad at me and now you don't want to spend time with me. I can't ever do anything right. Sorry for bothering. I'll leave you," Ash dramatically sniffs.
"Ash."
She stops still keeping her back to me. "Yes?"
"Take Mark with you," I tell her.
She spins around to face me dramatically. She looked shocked and hurt that her tactic didn't work on me.
She was making frustrating sounds as she thought of something to say to me.
Mark was laughing. He was on my bed laughing at his sister. He quickly stopped when she glared at him. He still had an amused looks on his face.
"You're really not going to help me?"
"You don't need my help, anything you decide to wear will look stunning on you. If you really cared about your appearance you'd go to Maggie not me."
"This self pity you're clearly doing is beneath you. Quite unbecoming," Ash huffs. She puts her fists on her hips to emphasize her frustration and anger.
"Glad to know. I'm just not in the mood, why can't you understand that?"
I can see her reflection on the glass as she paces just like her brother had not moments ago.
"Maggie is having a hard time the least we can do is go and cheer her up. A family night."
I look at her, squinting my eyes suspiciously, "really? You think I can't see through that?"
Ash looks offended. "You honestly think she's be having date nights knowing you're in pain? She has been avoiding everyone not just you. She's torn because she can't help you. I know you're not at your best at the moment but you'd be more mad knowing that she's hurting, alone."
Now it was my turn to look at Ash in disbelief. I did indeed think Maggie was having date nights. I was happy to know that, but now reality is slapping me once again. I hope it doesn't leave a mark.
"Okay, lets say that's true, what do you need from me?"
Ash offers me a sad smile. She turns to leave.
"Did she just leave?" Mark asks.
I just shrug in confusion. She had made a whole deal to just leave.
"Was it something I said?" I ask Mark. He just shrugs a shoulder. He looked more confused than me.
A loud bang comes from the front door downstairs. "Mark, help me!"
Mark rushes downstairs as Ash gives him instructions. They both soon rejoin me. Ash had said some dresses, what she meant was a small boutique worth of dresses. They dump all the bagged dresses on my bed. I clutch my bear even tighter. "You have to get me out of here," I whisper to my bear.
"Okay, I think we should start with the short ones," Ash pats the top of the pile.
"Those are just the short ones?" I was afraid of the answer.
"I'm out," Mark says leaving us.
"Traitor!" I shout after him.
"Why don't we get started, it's getting late," Ash says.
"Wait, why do I need to try dresses? How is that helping Maggie?"
"Because we're going to take family pictures, we have to look our best." Ash says as a matter of fact.
"I vote we start with Mark, Bass even," I try to deflect.
"Already took care of them, you're the only one left."
"What about Mag-" I stop at Ash's pointed look.
"Maggie is always flawless, no need to help her."
Can't argue with that. I groan as I stand, setting the bear down. "Thanks for nothing," I mumble to it.
Turning to Ash I extend my hand to her. Might as well get started. Ash beams as she hands me the first dress.
"Ash it's late, we have been at it for hours," I weakly say. I was void of any feelings. Each dress took a part of me with it and now I was empty.
"Just this last one, I promise," Ash pleads.
I take it, looking inside the bag my eyes are clearly deceiving me. I snap my attention back to Ash. "You have to be kidding me!" I grit out.
Ash had the audacity to look at me in feigned innocence.
"Ash, this is the first dress I tried," I said in disbelief.
"You have to go through all the process to find out your first choice is the superior one," Ash was clearly grasping at anything. She was talking out of her ass.
"This is why I hate this," I mumble out. I wear the dress, it was a little short. It was a dark plum strapless dress that hugged my body. Which made me a little self conscious. I grab the beige jacket that replaced my black one. It didn't look that well with the dress but I rather be covered.
Ash was about to say something but I interrupt her, "I'll take it off for the pictures."
Accepting that answer Ash begins to pile up the dresses. I help her put them back in their bag so she can return or keep them. There were too many of them. Bass had come by when I was halfway through the first pile, he came to dump more making the pile twice as big. He left just like Mark when I begged him to save me.
"Now your hair and makeup!" Ash claps happily. She sets a huge case on my desk. Opening it there's a bunch of accessories, it was one of those that professional makeup artists carried.
I sit on the chair as Ash gets to work.
"I want to show you something, I want you to tell me what you think," Ash sounded nervous.
"What is it?"
"Not here, it's back at the house."
I sit as she starts to curl my hair, I was just numbly staring at the wall in front of me.
"I know you hate today, but happy birthday," she hugs me from behind. "I love you, you're the best sister I could have ever asked for."
She holds me tighter when I shake my head. "I'm not," I weakly whisper.
"Yes, you are. The day we found you changed everything. We were going from place to place but finding you gave us purpose. Gave Mark purpose. He felt isolated but then you came and knocked some sense into him. Into all of us. You're the glue in our family."
"I doubt that, but thank you."
"Then you're clearly not paying attention, darling. Okay, are you ready to look?"
"Might as well," I let her drag me to a mirror.
"Beautiful," she says hugging me.
I give her a smile but I don't feel it. I don't see what she sees. I only see someone who I'm not but trying to be staring back at me.