It's four in the morning when I wake up. Nathan is sleeping peacefully beside me. His hand is under me and is intertwined with my fingers. I get up, wear a t shirt and sit on the couch. Flashbacks of us distract me as I roam around the room. Yesterday was amazing, I can still feel Nathan's touch on my body. Although we didn't do much, his slightest touch had made me so vulnerable. I stare at him for a long time wondering if this in fact is real. He was so angry and frustrated before, now he is completely changed, much more relaxed and himself. I click on my phone and see the date, it's 29th December already. Oh my God, it's going to be New Year's soon. I look outside the window and see that the city is all lightened up. The colorful lights are almost blinding, I can't even think about a celebration right now. I look over to a sleeping Nathan and realise that I will ruin his New Year's with my darkness. That's not fair, nothing is ever fair when it comes to him, yet he endures. No, he shouldn't've to endure for me. I need to go away for a while, somewhere isolated.
Determined, I collect a few things to wear, my phone, laptop, ipad that Nathan gifted and pack a small bag. I slip out of the room, then out of the house quietly and call a taxi. As I sit in the taxi I glance at the house one last time. Tears form in my eyes as I think about how miserable I had made Nathan by marrying him. The worst decision I made. But maybe if we had met differently, maybe if I not caved to Robin's threat, maybe if I had exposed his intentions, maybe I would have had a normal start with him. Or he would have hated me for accusing his father of dealing in bad faith.
I instruct the driver to drive as far away as possible from where Nathan and my parents live. I needed to clear my head from all this. There is no way to find my birth parents so why even try? I check into a decent hotel. I don't know what else to do so I crawl into the bed and close my eyes letting the darkness consume me.
______________________
NATHAN'S POV
"...No he did not hurt me. You hurt me, you bastard. Who tells their ex they still in love with them and asks them to run away." I hear April yelling and crying as I open the door. Oh shit. I sigh as I realise I have to deal with Dylan again. I take a deep breath and take the phone away from her before she says something very hurtful to him. He doesn't even know what is going on, she will damage her relationship forever.
"Hey Dylan. It's Nathan." I say. I keep taking deep breaths, finding the strength to talk to him. I am tired and talking to her ex is the last thing I want to do. But these are desparate times for her and I will have to support her, even if that means talking to the person I hate the most. "This is not a good time. April will call you soon." I continue.
"No! Tell me what happened? Did you hurt her? I swear to God Nathan..." Dylan barks on the other side, threatening and accusing me. Of course, I am the bad guy. He tells my wife he loves him, tries to kiss her and I am the bad guy. I gulp down my emotions and maintain a calm voice.
"No I didn't hurt her. Something happened but it's not my secret to tell." I say truthfully, "She will call you back when she feels better. I'll remind her, I promise." I have no intention of keeping this promise but I will do it anyway. In the past week I have realised April doesn't love him anymore but she cares too deeply for him. So much that it makes me see red every time she worries about him. I know she cares for me too, but not like this. She sees something special in him which I don't like. When he hung up, I had a strong urge to kiss her. I walk closer to her and plant a small kiss on her lips.
I cannot give into these urges. She is too vulnerable right now, she'll let me do anything I want. That consent would not be real.
"Make me forget Nathan," she cries in my arms, "Take away this pain." She sobs and my heart breaks. I want to help her in anyway possible. I can't see her break everytime, it will break me. It is very clear that she is the stronger one in our relationship. I hold her face his my hands and promise her, "I will make you forget."
I lay next to her while she recollects herself. She controls her breathing and says, "That was...not bad." She's such a tease.
"Not bad? Darling I rocked your world." I smile. Holding each other close we fall back into sleep.
When I wake up in the morning it's 9:30. I sit up and stretch my arms, feeling more relaxed than ever. I overslept but it was worth it. Next to me I find the bed empty. April must have been up before me. I freshen up and take a bath. I frown as I don't find her in the room. I thought she must be downstairs or talking to Vanessa but she must have finished. I quickly change into comfortable clothes and move downstairs. April's not here. I look around to find a note but there is none. Where is she? Is she with her parents? Is she with Amy? But she would inform me, right? Why would she not inform me? Oh, is she with Dylan? I close my eyes and try not to let my imagination swallow me. It's okay, she was rude to him, and maybe she went to clarify the situation. Maybe even talk to him, he can help her, he cares about her. Absentmindedly, I dial Jason's number and tell him about the situation.
"You really think she would go to meet him? I mean she can tell him sorry over the phone." He suggests.
"No, I think she wants to tell him the entire truth. All of it. He can help her, right? He loves her after all."
"Right. What about you?" He counters.
"What about me?"
"She cares about you too. I know you have gone crazy for her and as much as you don't like me saying it truth is, you love her too." I freeze at the mention of that word again. Maybe I should have called Zayn. "Nathan, you there?"
"Yeah, I am here."
"You should at least check in with Amy and her parents. The girl cares about you, she won't abandon you to meet her ex, especially after what Amy said that day."
"Yeah, you are right. I should trust her. I'll call her parents."
As expected, calling her parents didn't do any good. They haven't heard from her all these days. So I call Amy.
"Hey Nathan, what's up?"
"Hi. Is April with you?"
"No. I haven't heard from her since that day. Why, where is she?"
"I think she is with Dylan." I sigh. Disappointment fills me as I think about them together. But how can I blame her, I am the who pushed her away.
"That's not possible. Dylan went back to London two days ago. He called me yesterday to tell me he had landed safely. He mentioned he would call April to check up on her."
"What?" I stand up from her seat. Then where the hell is she? I pace around the house telling Amy I haven't seen her since this morning, neither has her parents.
"Where could she be?" Amy wonders, "I'll go check in the orphanage, maybe she went there to find more answers."
"I'll meet you there." I grab my car keys and rush out. Where are you, April? After an hour of contacting everyone, there is no clue about her. What the fuck? I hit the wall with my fist in frustration. Amy tries to calm me but all I can picture is her somewhere alone, crying. She has also turned off her location so Amy can't find her on find my friends. What the hell are you doing April? I just felt the happiness to have in my life and you gone again. I know I don't deserve you but I would have worked on myself to be the person that deserved you.
I lean my head on the car seat and try her number one more time. When the beep ends, I leave her yet another message, this time more desperate than the last, "April please, come back home. I cannot survive without you here. I know it was me who hurt you, I know I have only made things worse. I am sorry baby. I'm an idiot. Just give me another chance. This merger has lost me everything, I can't lose you too." A lone tear escapes my eyes as I leave her the message.
"Should we register missing persons?" Amy enters the passenger seat.
"I bump my head on the steering wheel and nod. I can't even tell at this point whether she wants to be found. And if I do find her, what does she has to come back to? A husband who has given her nothing but pain and parents who are not hers anymore. Without thinking I start the car and race towards the neighborhood Mr Anderson found her.
"Nathan, what are you doing? Slow down!" Amy exclaims next to me.
"She has run away because there is nothing here worth staying for. I will give her something to come back to."
"What are you talking about? She has you!"
"And I am not good enough. I never was. I will find her birth parents."
"Are you crazy? That is impossible."
"Doesn't mean we can't try, so are you with me or should I drop you to your car?" She looks at me with disbelief. Eventually, she nods. We reach the neighborhood and I ring the bell of Will's house. His granddaughter opens the door, surprised and happy to see me. I ask for Will and she lets us in.
"Hello young man, what can I do for you?"
"Same as last time..."
"About that, I was thinking of going through some old photos to find what you were looking for. But there are so many I couldn't get myself to do it."
"We'll do it!" Amy and I said at the same time. Will laughs at our excitement and leads us to the attic where there were boxes of old photos. I don't care how many I just have to find something for her.
After half an hour, my will starts to break. I sigh as I carry down the last box of photos. Until now, the pictures we found aren't even close to Arpil's birth date. This box was our last hope. Amy squeezes my hand reassuring me, but I can't help but feel awful. As I skim through my pile of photos and stop upon a picture of Will and his wife. Behind them, Far in the corner was a blurred blue thing.
"Amy, look at this." I catch her attention, "Is that..."
"A baby?" She squints her eyes, "Looks like a baby, doesn't it? But it's too blurred to tell. Quickly we skim through both the piles and in the end Amy finds another background with a young lady holding the blue blanket.
"Nathan," She gasps and I turn my attention to her. I hold the picture and look at it for a long time. Nothing is clear from this but a little technology can help us zoom into the background. Amy smiles at me reassuringly. Oh my God, this could be it. Amy squeals in excitement and hugs me. I can't believe this happened. There could be a way to find them after all.
"Come on, call her!" She nudges me, "She has to know."
I nod and take out my phone. I see I have missed calls from April's parents, but first I dial her again. I leave her a message telling her exactly what I found. We thank Will and returned to my house. When we don't hear from April, I grow more and more anxious.
"Missing persons?" Amy suggests again.
"No." I shake my head, "She should want to come back here, right?"
"Nathan, don't take this upon yourself. She has a lot going on."
"Yeah..." I trail off, "Maybe I'll wait it evening and then if doesn't respond, I'll call the police."
"Okay. You want me to stay with you?" Amy asks me and for the first time, I look at her properly. She was wearing a pencil skirt, a black cotton shirt and a black jacket. Then I realise She has skipped office for us.
"Oh shit! I didn't realise you would have office. I have been on holiday for days now, I forgot what day it was." I sigh.
"No, no. It's absolutely okay. It's holiday time anyway so nothing much is going on."
"No, you should go. I'll inform you if there's any update." She nods hesitantly but leaves anyway. I lazily climb the stairs and throw myself on the bed. I am tired and stressed. I closed my eyes, hoping they would open to her.
__________
The sound of doorknob awakens me. I quickly get up hoping to find April. Disappointment fills me as I find Mary at the door with the vacuum. I dismiss Mary and go back to sleep, letting the darkness consume me.
When I next regain consciousness, I feel a palm touching my cheek. I grab the palm before opening my eyes. As I open them I find beautiful blue staring back at me.
"April..." I trail off, "You..." she scoots closer to me before I can finish. Is this a dream? Why would she come back? Then I remembered the message I had dropped her, there is hope for finding her parents and I have the clue. She came back for that. I try to form a smile but it hurts to know she didn't come back for me. But I should be happy for her, right? Yes that's the right thing, that's what should be.
"I am an idiot." She declares, "And a coward. I should have not done that to you. But you need to understand I didn't want to ruin things for you." She sat up and played with her fingers, "It's New Year's eve tomorrow and I didn't want a celebration, I just wanted to be buried deep somewhere and forget about everything. That would just ruin everything for you, my darkness would just..." I didn't hear what she said next because I was too focused about what she said just now. Her darkness? Her darkness? She's worried she would ruin a celebration for me. Tears spring in my eyes as I think about how many times I have ruined everything for her because of my darkness. Hell, I even ruined her birthday.
"Nathan, I'm so sorry, please don't cry." She consoles me. Her sweetness is burning holes in my heart. I have treated her like nothing but shit and this is how she treats me. Maybe I am the monster everyone thinks of me.
"Nathan, what happened, talk to me." She holds my face between her warm hands and wipes my tears. I don't deserve one bit of her kindness.
"I don't deserve you." I sob, "I have treated you so badly and here you are cutting off from everything because you think it would ruin something for me. April, something is seriously very wrong with me. You need to leave me. You should be with someone who understands you and reciprocates your generous spirit."
"What?" She almost yells, "Nathan you are not a bad person! Nothing is wrong with you! And most of all I don't need to be anywhere else. That's what I am telling you, these 24 hours away from you were so hard, it was physically exhausting. All I wanted to do was come back to you, lay in your arms. I was feeling like I don't belong anywhere but while I was away, I realised this is where I belong." She poked my chest, "Right here." She turned around and sat between my legs wrapping my hands around her. I take a deep breath, coming back to life.
"Next time I bail, you have permission to tie me up and punish me." She said seductively in my ear. I inhale sharply and I try to control my mind from running wild. But it is so hard not to get turned on right now. April leans back a bit more and places wet kisses down my neck. Oh fuck. For a moment I let myself get lost in them. Her hand slips inside my t-shirt and I groan loudly. Electricity jolts through me, I have never felt this with anyone. I briefly open my eyes and I realise I can't do this. Oh no, this can't happen. Not just yet. I haven't redeemed myself.
As I pull back, April pulls me forward again. "Don't make me tie you up, Walsh."
"Uhh, don't you think we should find them first?"
"Find who?" She looks up at me with surprise.
"Your parents."
"My parents?" She had no clue what I was talking about. A pit starts to form in my stomach.
"Oh my God, this is a dream, isn't it?" I say.
"What? No, it's not a dream. I am confused because how will we ever find them? We don't have their names or their picture. Nothing. It is impossible."
"April did you not hear the messages I sent you?" I ask. She shook her head. I get up in excitement. If she didn't hear those messages, she came back for me.
"That means you came back for me?"
"Of course, I came back for you. Didn't you hear me? I couldn't stand being away from you. You are it for me. I know you have been holding yourself back because you think you are not good enough for me but you are more than enough for me. You are all I need." She moves closer and connects our lips. I wrap my hands around her and fall into the bed. This time, I don't hold back.