After celebrating an amazing New Year with Nathan's friends we came back home and spent a lot of time with each other. And by spending time, I mean we have been having sex all over the house. While we were doing that Nathan had his sources find the address of my birth mother. We still don't know if it is legit but it's a start. The next morning I wake up with a smile but it disappears when I don't find Nathan beside me.
"Good morning," I turn to his voice and find him dressed in a suit looking ready for office. I sigh and force a smile on my face. I know it's completely unreasonable to ask him to stay but I don't want to stay away from him.
"I have to go to office for a while but I promise I'll be back very very soon." he kisses my cheek, "I am so sorry I have to do this but it's an emergency and it requires a person at the top of the food chain."
"Okay," I say, "What is it?"
"Stock took a huge hit. I am not sure what exactly is going on but the board will not be happy. I need to go through the numbers and prepare for the board meeting even before it is called. I am pretty sure the competition is trying to pull something but I cannot be sure until I consult my lawyers."
"Why are you telling me this?"
"What? You just asked me."
"But you never shared before."
"I guess this is my way of showing you that I trust you. And it is as much your legacy as it is mine." My breath hitches in my throat as I hear that. Is it my legacy? No. It's not.
"It's not my legacy, Nathan."
"April...please don't say that. You are all your parents have."
"You talked to them didn't you?" His eyes leave mine as if caught in a lie. I know he talked to them because he only tries to convince me to forgive them after he has talked to them. I know he feels sorry for them and is trying to keep both sides of the table. But they lied to me about everything, I can't just get up one day and forgive them.
"I had to consult your dad. He is technically my boss." I nod mindlessly. When he notices my grim expression.
"There's something else." He says hesitates. I straighten up in the bed to listen to what he had to say, "The person I sent to search your birth mother, he got back to me." An unknown fear settles in my stomach as I watch Nathan fiddle with his fingers.
"Is she..." I start but couldn't complete the sentence, "Is she dead?" I ask.
"No!" He breathed out, "She is living in that neighborhood only. Some sort of hotel, I am not sure. I couldn't find it on Google." The image of an abandoned hotel forms in my mind. I again think about how much I have and how little my birth parents have. Nathan takes out a piece of paper where he'd written the address. I take the paper and stare at it for a long time. Nathan rubs my palms gently.
"I will go there. Thank you very much."
"You are not going there yourself. I'll come back in a couple of hours..."
"Nathan, you are exerting yourself for no reason." I cut him, "I can go there myself."
"I'm not exerting myself. Just looking at you smile vanishes my fatigue." he smiles and I reciprocate.
"That's very sweet...but...please." I'm not sure about visiting my mother alone but I have to let him go. Before I can say anything else to convince him, his phone vibrates on the table beside me, "Go Nathan." I whisper half-heartedly.
"You know I don't want to, right?" he gives me a sad look. I nod and straighten up and kiss him on the cheek.
"Work hard." I say and give him a smile. He takes my chin in his hand.
"You're an obsession, April Gr--" he mixes the Grey part with the sound of throat clear. I laugh and hug him tightly.
After Nathan leaves I take a bath and get ready. My hands are so shaky that I'm barely able to tie my shoe lace. I stare at the photo of the woman kept on my dresser. My heart is still refusing the fact that she's my actual mother even though I look a lot like her. I open my phone to look at the picture of my mom, I miss her so damn much. Unconsciously I click on her number and dial it. After two rings she picks up as if waiting for this moment only.
"April?" She says in a hoarse voice, I could feel the sad smile on her face at the other side of the phone, "Are you okay? Where are you? Are you at home? Can you come home?" her words leave her mouth in a hurry showing her excitement towards my call, "Please, say something. Talk to me, honey. I know this is hard for you and I do understand you need some time but lemme explain you..." a sob escapes my mouth before I could cover it. Silent tears were escaping my eyes but as soon as heard her voice emotions burst inside me.
"Please, don't cry sweetheart." she in a cracking voice, "I love you very much, April. Come home." Soon my sobs turned into loud cries and hang up the phone. I drop to the ground and bury my head in my hands crying until I don't have an tear left. Her voice, her warmth, home....everything crumbling into pieces.
I spend the next hour debating with myself whether to go there or not. What if she doesn't want to see me? She obviously didn't want me earlier. My own mom wants me, rather needs me right now. What am I doing? She's the one who raised me, the one who cried when I cried, the one who laughed when I laughed. Should I let the biggest truth of my life affect the purest relationship on this planet? I have no idea what to do.
Another hour passes as I lay in the bed thinking about the memories with my parents. They always had great plans for my birthday. I remember they would take an off from office and instruct the worker, which is an understatement for driving them crazy. My mom used to bake new flavor of cake every year. Their eyes used to twinkle along with mine as they sung happy birthday to me. A sadness settles inside me when the possibility of things never going back to normal hits me. What will I do now? How am I supposed to live my life knowing this harsh truth? I turn in my bed to face the clock. It's almost noon and there is no sign of Nathan. He must be busy. I decide the only thing I can do now is go there myself. I will be fine, I assure myself.
I move downstairs to a quiet house. I don't know where everyone is and I couldn't care less. Happy encounters with Nathan's family is the last thing I need right now. Not that I don't like them but I just don't have the energy to face their sympathetic looks. I know Nathan must have told Vanessa but I am not ready to talk about it to anyone.
Before I can call a cab to go to the place, my phone rings flashing Nathan's number on the screen.
"Hello wifey." He says brightly.
"Hey. You sound happy."
"I'm talking to you." He says chirpily, "I'll be home in one hour then we will take a fantastic lunch and in the evening-"
"Evening? I thought you just needed a couple of hours. It's already been three hours."
"I know honey. I'm sorry it's taking longer than expected. But I can't leave now, I'm in the middle of something."
"Okay." I swallow a lump in my throat and try to act understanding, "Then I'm going there by myself."
"What? No April-"
"No, it's okay. I'll be fine. I need to do this." Before he can oppose the idea, I hang up the phone. I rake through the countless car keys and pick one at random. Determined, I climbed the car driving off to face the truth.
My heart rate increases as I reach the neighbourhood. When I reached the address I found an old abandoned hotel. My eyebrows furrowed as the place appeared to be so shady. My birth mother lives here? The lump in my throat thickened as the guilt took over me. Oh my God, it's obvious they gave me up because they couldn't afford to have a child. Maybe they still can't. I have everything and she has nothing. I can't face them now. They will hate me, think of me as a high-class bitch who doesn't care about anything. Tears spring in my eyes at the thought of not being accepted by them.
Suddenly, the car became too stuffy for me. I climbed out of the car and wiped my tears. How will I face them? I can't do this. I climbed back into the car and started to drive off. When I take one last look at the hotel, my legs automatically hit the brakes. My body jerks forward due to the sudden inertia. After all that I have been through I owe it to myself to meet them. I turned the car around again and got out of it. Gulping again and again I reach the hotel reception.
"Hi, I'm looking for this woman," I say with my dry mouth.
"Fifth floor. You'll find a desk there. Wait for your turn to go in." she says. I don't understand a word she said. My turn? Is my mom staying in this hotel? Or is she working? But then why would I have to wait? I take the stairs to the fifth floor. As she said I did find a desk there, an old woman sitting behind him. She raises her eyebrows at me.
"I'm looking for her."
"Well, you are just in time. Gwen is free right now. That door." She points behind me. As I move I close my palms into a fist to control the shaking. I twist the doorknob and as soon as I get in I get a heart attack. The room has dull red lights, a king-size bed and a lot of other things I have never imagined existed. The table is filled with handcuffs, whips, and gauges, these are the things I understood and know the names of. I was so frightened at the sight I didn't know if my legs would be with me long enough. My mom? Was she? Is she what I think she is? I close my eyes and pray to God I am wrong.