Oh no. I find it hard to breathe or exist. What is happening? I look around again but I don't see anyone. I did not hope to see anyone. I thought I would be ready for truth all this time but I cannot do this. Not alone.
"Oh fuck!" I hear a manly voice behind me and immediately I freeze. Are there people in this room? Slowly, frightened to death I turn around and sigh a relief. My husband is standing at the door looking as shocked as I am. I run and hug the life outta him. Thank God, he's here. I refuse to let go of Nathan for a long time.
"It's okay! I'm here now." he tries to calm me. Even though he is trying the tough act I know he is not okay himself.
"What are you two doing in this room?!" I hear a stern voice behind me. I release Nathan and turn to great the bluish gray eyes I was looking for. Gwen is slim, she wore a black dress which hugged her body showing her curves. She's not as old as I had imagined, which means she must have had me when she was very young. She took a robe to cover her body. I could see the marks on her skin and tears fall down my cheeks. She's... Oh God!
"Answer my question! Don't you know it's not a couple's room. They are on the eighth floor. Stop holding the queue." she is trying to be stern but her voice has sounds tired and her eyes are sad.
"No, we are here to meet you." Nathan says, "We uh, we don't need a room." He scratches the back of his head. I don't even know what to say anymore. This is not the truth I was prepared for. So this is where I was born? I am the child of a sex worker? Maybe she doesn't even know who my father is.
"Gwen," I begin and move closer to her, "I'm April."
"And...?" She is so unbelievably rude. Wasn't there supposed to be natural connection between a mother and a child? Wasn't she supposed to feel it before I tell her the whole story? Or is that just socially constructed bullshit that people tell children to make them feel better?
"Did you by any chance give birth to a girl and then throw her in the garbage, abandoned her, not caring whether she lived or died?" I ask bluntly.
"What? What are y-you t-talking about?" she stutters, "Stop wasting my time kid!" there was a panic in her voice that confirmed she is my real mother. I feel Nathan shift his weight from one leg to another. He is looking between Gwen and I, unsure how to handle this situation.
"I have no interest in staying in a place like this anyway, Gwen. I'm just here to know the truth." I look at her with disgust, "I just need a yes-no answer."
"Are you that girl?" she gasps, covering her mouth with her long fingers. A wave of guilt passes through her eyes and she is looking everywhere except me.
"Yes, I know you wish I was dead. But, I'm not. A person who runs an orphanage found me and then I was adopted by Mr and Mrs Grey."
"I don't wish you dead!" she snaps almost hurt by my comment, "I..." A sob escapes her. "I wish..." She shakes her head as if correcting herself in her mind, "I think about you." She admits as a tear escapes her eyes, "But.."
"But what?"
"But I could not keep you here. What was I supposed to do?"
"Least you could have done is give me up properly."
"I am sorry." She is crying hard now. You know the connection I was talking about? Turns out it isn't just socially constructed, because I feel something tug at my heart and I reach out to comfort her.
"I am so sorry. If you are looking for an explanation, I don't have any. No mother should ever abandon her child."
"I am looking to know who I am. I have lost myself." Tears spring in my eyes. For the first time, she meets my eyes. She touches my face affectionately.
"You are so beautiful. You look just like father."
"My father?"
"He was a kind man. He'd love you so much." More tears spring in her eyes. She sobs at her broken dream. She dreamt of a family, "Your father and I were together in High School. He was such a gentleman. We planned to go to college together too. But I found out that I was pregnant. His parents were furious when they found out, and so were my parents. My parents refused to pay for my college and your father was sent away for his college. I don't even know if he'd want to raise you with me, no one let me talk to him. The only option I had to work odd jobs. After I gave birth to you, it became harder to sustain myself. Somehow I got sucked into this life but I couldn't let this be your world. So the only option I had was to abandon you and pray you get a good family. I think my prayers were answered, weren't they?"
"They kept it from me." I complain, "They kept everything from me."
"Why would they tell you honey? You are their daughter. They never thought otherwise."
"I am your daughter."
"You are." She wipes her tears and then mine, "But they were the ones who raised you. You are more theirs than mine. Are you loved, honey?"
"Yes, very much."
"So what if they didn't tell you? There wasn't any need for it."
"So you don't want to be a part of my life?" More tears flow down my cheeks as I think about the fact that my mother doesn't want to know who I am. Who am I anyway? Am I a Grey? Am I the daughter of a sex worker? Or am I the wife of Nathan Walsh? Is anything in my identity mine anymore? Why don't I feel that I belong somewhere?
"I would have if I could have honey. You are the only person in the world who is my own, my blood, my home. I wish we could have lived somewhere in a small home where I would raise you like my own. But big cities aren't where such dreams can be fulfilled. Your parents love you and so do I." She pauses to scan my face, then gently kisses my forehead, "You belong with the people who love you, no matter they are physically there or not. Your heart belongs to me and your parents. I wish that someday you find someone who'd love you more than we ever did and then you will belong in his arms. Maybe a girl, maybe a boy, but whoever they are, they will make you feel whole. You will get to live the life your father and I longed for."
"Did you love him?" She chuckles at my innocent question.
"I was too young then to understand the meaning of love. But yes, at that moment it felt like love. He was kind and gentle." She holds my face in her palms, tracing my cheeks through her fingers. Her touch was gentle and caring, very similar to my own mother. "Thank you for finding me, honey. I have never forgiven myself for what I did but I would not have let any harm come your way. Thank you for reminding me that I have someone out there who is living life on my behalf."
She stands up and I stand up with her. Looking back at Nathan, she gives me a small smile. Nathan smiles back and walks closer to me.
"Uh...he is...he is.." Somehow I am not able to define my relationship with him. Of course, on paper, he is my husband but that is not our emotional relation.
"I am Nathan Walsh."
"Hello, Nathan."
"Can I ask you something?" Nathan asks Gwen to which she nods in approval, "I would like to offer you to come with us. Just walk out of this hotel and leave this life behind. You have someone to share your life with. If money is an issue, it will be taken care of."
"Nathan, you are very kind but money is not the issue. This is a dark world and I am entangled in it. I don't think my past will ever let me live in peace and I would not do anything to harm the peace in my daughter's life."
"We can take care of things otherwise as well. I would like you to get to know us and understand that nothing is impossible to handle."
"No Nathan. Thank you." Gwen shuts him down firmly. Nathan opens his mouth to speak but closes it, maybe realising that a one-hour conversation is not enough to convince her. We need to keep visiting her to get to know her and this world better. "April," Gwen calls me, "I need you to promise me something. You will never come back here."
"What? Of course not. This is stupid-"
"April! I gave you up to protect you from this world. It will all be a waste if they find out that you exist."
"But they cannot harm me."
"You have no idea what they can do. This place is not good for your reputation. If you have truly forgiven me and you love me, you will never come back here. But honey, just remember I have and always will love you."
"I-"
"You really are like your father, always trying to win the argument." She laughs, remembering her sweet past with my dad. I don't know if I would have been a strict mom but right now I am ordering you to leave. Nathan take care away." I notice Nathan is intensely staring at her. He then nods and keeps a hand on my shoulder. I give Gwen a disbelieving look but she smiles at me.
Somehow I exited that building and got into the car. I stay quiet for a long time, wondering if this is the last Gwen and I will meet. She told me a lot of things, most of all reminded me of how much I love my parents. It feels lighter to know that she loves me and cares for me. She gave me up to protect me. My parents never told me the truth to protect me. I look at Nathan, he moved heaven and earth to find Gwen for me. I have been so lucky in every aspect of life. Of course I still have a lot of regrets. The way I treated my parents, the fact that Gwen is still stuck in this filthy world but I am humbled by this journey. Everyone has done so much for me. I take a deep breath and lean back. This was a good beginning to the New Year.
I have faced my truth. There is only one thing left to accept. The truth about him. The truth that I love him. It sounds stupid to my own ears. I have just known him for 6 months but it feels like there is no other, there can be no other. There is no-one who has challenged me, irritated me and pushed me as much as he has. Everyday has been a new adventure. He has been the biggest headache in my life and I have spent almost everyday thinking about him, trying to figure him out, trying to get him to open up. Now that he has, I love the person I have discovered. He is kind, caring, sensible with so much light. He has been my sunshine in this darkness.
Lost in my thoughts, I didn't even realise I have been staring at him for a really long time. "Are you okay?" He asks me. A relaxed smile forms on my face. Yes I am okay, Nathan. I am better than okay. I am too much in love with you. Of course I didn't say it like this. I want to make it special. Go somewhere he loves and make it extravagant.
"April? What happened?" His eyes moved between me and the road.
"Take me somewhere. Somewhere which is special to you."
"Okay. Sure. There is this place a little far from the city..."
"Far away works for me." I smile cheekily at him. I want to secluded with him. Somewhere I can just spend more time with him, get to know him more.
"Tell me something Nathan..." I begin and he hums, "Have you ever thought of singing as a career? You know like Jason?"
"I guess I haven't given it much of a thought. Of course I love singing and music but honestly it's only a passion for me not a profession. I was really into music in my college but now I have lost touch. Someday maybe when I get my own house, I'll make a basement where I practice our music but right now this job is fine."
"But you told me you were forced into this by your dad. You can leave now, it is pretty much automated."
"Oh no. First of all, it's not automated yet. I told you what happened this morning right? Secondly, dad will not let me leave. This business is his baby and he will not let it nurture in the hands of someone unknown. He was preparing me and Max for it. Max was better at it than I ever was, that's why they had such a strong bond. I was always very distracted. There was a time I wanted to become an actor, I even did a few commercials. I never chose a path, I just wanted to do anything and everything."
"Do you still want to find your path?"
"Of course. I am too young to just give in and do a desk job for the rest of my life. Anyway I have your dad to share responsibilities with, so yeah, maybe after a few months I can go back to my old life...figure out what I want."
"Nathan, I want to tell you something."
"Yeah?"
"I want to open a Non-Profit and help underprivileged women and children. I want to tie up with lawyers who take up pro-bono and get justice for people like my mom."
"Well, April, that is amazing. I am glad to know that. And I would want to help you in every way possible. I know many lawyers I can ask around for people who would like to join you. Also, you don't need to worry about the cost at all, it would all be on me."
"No Nathan, that's not necessary at all. I have the money. I have my saving and I have invested my money. I can take care of the cost." He falls silent then let's out a dry laugh. I look at him crossed brows.
"I'm sorry, I wasn't laughing at you. I was laughing at myself for ever thinking you got into this for the money. I was so entitled to think that. I am extremely sorry."
"It's okay."
"But April, you never actually told me the reason why you said yes. I didn't know what to believe. I wasn't ready for a marriage and the moment you said yes the pressure fell all on me. I was so sure you would never agree to it so I was taking my dad's threats lightly. But then you said yes and everything became very real..." He stops himself and shakes his head, "It doesn't matter now. It's all okay." He smiles at me. But my smile had faded. He genuinely thinks he is stuck. He was running wild and free and then Robin had put shackles on him. I don't want to be his shackles, I want to be his strength, his partner. Suddenly, the idea of telling him how I feel just feels like another chain tying him down.
"We are here!" He announces after a silent ride of ten minutes.
"Oh great, I'm starving." I say and get out of the car. I look around and we are in country. The restaurant in front of us looks more like an ecosystem with a huge garden and bird-feeders. The dinning area is visible from the road and the garden, covered with plain glass to let the sunlight in. This is such a unique concept, away from city lights and chaos.
"Hello, Albert!" Nathan greats the man on the counter.
"Ahh, Nathan! Long time no see."
"Yeah, I got caught up in work. By the way, she's my wife." Nathan says with a smile.
"Oh my! Congratulations! Then the meal is on the house I guess."
"Don't be silly! I'm starving, so I'll catch up with you later?"
"Sure, please go ahead."
We sit at a table near the large window. The view is of a garden which has a small pond in between and huge trees. This place is not fancy but so beautiful almost mesmerizing.
"Not much people know about this place. I used to come here since I was kid and you are the first girl I have brought here. How do you like it?"
"This is amazing. I can't believe I haven't known about this. It is so natural and organic."
"Albert built it himself. He wanted to give the city folks a quite get-a-way. He lives in the back with his family. He has got many grandchildren. One of them had just turned one and a half when I last visited. I wonder if she has forgotten me."
"Nathan!" a sweet voice comes from behind and I see an infant girl running towards Nathan. She doesn't look more than two. Nathan's face lights up and he kneels down so that she can land in his arms.
"Angel! I have missed you so much." he says hugging her tightly. I can't help but imagine how he would treat his own daughter like a princess. Does he want kids? Now? Or ever? He seemed to love them a lot.
"Barbie!" she reminds Nathan and he chuckled.
"I can't believe you remember. You are so sharp." He kissed her forehead.
"There, I brought you a real barbie." He points at me. "This is my wife, April Grey. And April, this is Angel." He pulls Angel in his lap and extends her small palm for a handshake.
"What is wife?" angel asks him, making me laugh.
"A girl with whom you can spend your entire life without ever getting bored with her. Everytime she smiles your heart skips a beat wondering how a person can be so pure. She means the world to you and the only thing you can concentrate is on how you can make her more and more happy until she can't take it. Home is her arms and relaxing is her smile. She's the one who makes you want to work harder to achieve something which is impossible. She motivates you everyday, loves you and you just know it that you can't live without her." when he looks at me a tear escapes my eyes. He puts angel down to get my side and kisses me on the forehead. I can't find the words to react. Is this really how he thinks? Where has he been all this time?
"Barbie where is your dress?" she asks me. I look down to see I'm wearing jeans and T-shirt instead of a designer dress which a Barbie is supposed to wear.
"Umm, I'm a modern barbie." I say to her with a smile.
"Yay!!" she exclaims clapping her small, chubby hands, "I love you Nathan!" she says and jumps to sit on my lap. She touches me like I'm her barbie, which as claimed by Nathan I am.
"I love you too sweetheart." he chuckles. Harry leans in closer to me and kisses Angel on the cheek. He then gives a small peck on my lips.
"Do you like your Barbie?"
"Yes, she's pretty. Will you play with me barbie?"
"Of course I will, Angel."
"She knows my name!! I like her very much Nathan!" she hugs him tightly.
"Even I like her very much." Nathan says looking into my eyes.