Last night I pretended to fall asleep so that Nathan could sleep. I got out of bed as soon as he fell asleep. All through the night, I kept thinking about how I will ever find my true parents. If they had given me up as soon as I was born then maybe they lived near the alley where Mr. Anderson found me. I decided that I should visit the alley, have to start somewhere.
In the morning, by the time Nathan woke up, I had already showered. I was ready to do this, no matter how it hurt, no matter what lay on the other side of this tunnel, I have to find my true identity. There has to be a way to heal, right? When I am in the closet changing I find my palms shaking, which makes it difficult to find my zipper. What is happening? I look at my palms, then my face in the mirror, I do not recognise the person staring back at me. I groan and try the zipper again.
"Nathan!" I shout as I fail, and a sleepy Nathan appears in the closet immediately, "Zip me." I instruct him. He nods, staring at my shaking palms.
"April, do you want to see someone?" He asks politely.
"No! Why would you even ask me that?" I snap, "So my hands are a bit shaky, happens to everyone."
"April you haven't been eating and I know you haven't been sleeping properly as well."
"You know what, instead of instructing me what to do all the time, why don't you take care of the one thing you are actually good at - disappearing into your office work." Nathan looks down, not saying a word. Well, that shut him up. I move past him and tie my shoes, ready to go for the search. Nathan hurries downstairs and reappears with breakfast. I roll my eyes at his obsession with feeding me, "Aww, am I not too fat for you now?"
"I am sorry, I should not have joked about your eating habits."
"I don't care." I ignore the breakfast and Nathan. As I am about to leave the room he grabs my wrist.
"Please just eat something," he begs.
"Do you even know how pathetic you sound? I get you want to rectify your mistakes but at least before you had some self-respect." I snap at him. "And what do you think that this will make everything normal? Don't you get it, nothing is normal. It never will be. Is this your desperate attempt to find what you are looking for in life? A purpose? How pathetic is that! You are not going to have a normal life anymore, no matter how much you try." Tears spring into my eyes for reasons I don't know. What the fuck is happening, I promised myself I won't cry. Am I going crazy?
Nathan puts down the food and comes closer to me. As he takes me in his arms I start to cry. "I don't even know why," I shutter.
"It's okay. It's going to be okay. Will you listen to me properly?" He asked and I nod, still in his arms, "What you are feeling is hard to explain. You don't have to. But just tell me what you plan to do. I will follow you to the ends of this earth, I will get you whatever you want and whomever you need. But you gotta tell me because I am not that great at guessing what you need. I am quite mediocre when it comes to handling overwhelming situations but if think anyone else can help you more than me, name it."
"Take me to bed." I sob. He holds me by the shoulder as we walk towards the bed. I climb into the sheets and cover myself. Nathan too crawls in.
"You have to eat, baby. If you want to find your parents you need to take care of yourself."
"How will I ever find them? I don't even know their names. What am I even doing?" My voice cracks near the end of the sentence.
"We'll find a way, together." Nathan caresses my cheek, "Were you planning on going to the neighborhood where Mr. Anderson found you?" I nod, "Okay, let's start there. But you know that finding them will not make it hurt less. I am not placing doubts in your mind but I genuinely feel so."
"Why am I so angry?"
"It's normal, sweetheart." He kisses my forehead, "You can take your anger out on me. I can take it. Just don't let it bottle inside you."
"You are nice." I sob. Nathan smiles and picks up the food from the bedside table. He feeds a little bit breakfast. Chewing is a task so I gulp down all the juice, somehow everything made me nauseous. "What about your office?" I ask.
"I have taken the week off. I want to be here for you. Some people can get the work done. Anyways we are thinking of bringing a CEO for the office. It has been tough." He tells me as he eats his breakfast. I nod distractedly. There is a constant pain in my chest which is not going away. I try to concentrate on what he is saying but fail. How will I find them even if we visit the neighborhood? The biggest problem is a name. I don't even know my true identity. Is this how Noah feels everyday? My head spins and my nausea increases. My eyes follow Nathan as he gets up and holds out his hand for me, "Let's go." I give my hand in his and get up. Let's go.
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We reach the neighborhood and walk into the alley. It's a busy street with shops and food carts around. "I was thinking we should start with nearby hospitals. We have your date of birth." Nathan suggests, "If that doesn't pan out, option no.2 is to find someone who has been living here for at least 25 years." I am shocked as Nathan finishes. He has given so much thought into this. I stop him in the middle of the street and hug him tightly.
"Thank you." I whisper.
"I got you babe." He rubs my back. I warm feeling builds inside me. I am not alone. He is there for me. It feels so good not to be alone. I pull away and give him a genuine smile.
As planned we search for a nearby hospital. The nearest one was two blocks away. We inquire about my birth but we do not find any woman giving birth to a baby girl around those dates. I am very disappointed as we leave the hospital.
"It's okay, April. There are people who prefer home birth." Nathan encourages me.
"Of course, why waste money on a kid who will be thrown away." I mumble. Nathan holds my hand tightly as we set to carry out option number 2.
"Hi, I'm Nathan Walsh," he said for the hundredth time. I see the shopkeeper girl check him out intently. I suddenly feel territorial a out him. "And this is my wife, April." and that's how it's done ladies and gentlemen. My man!
"May I know is there any person who this neighborhood since a very long time?" I ask.
"Yes, my grandfather. He has been here his whole life. In fact, I have been here for a very long time as well." She answers.
"Can we see him?" I ask.
"Umm, why?" she looks at me suspiciously.
"Personal work." Nathan answer, "I know this is weird but please it's urgent..."
"Of course! I'm just asking!" she blushes and leads us inside. We enter the back of shop where the stock is kept. An old man is sitting there doing some rough calculations.
"Grandpa!" the girl calls out, "There is a person who wants to see you." she says, sweetly. I walk towards the old man, Nathan right behind me. He is my last hope at finding a family, my identity.
"Maybe you should stay and tell me what's exactly is going on." She suggests, touching Nathan's arm. I curl my palm into a fist ready to punch.
"It's okay, I'll rather stay with my wife!" He answers, holding my hand and intertwining our fingers.
"Yes dear, how may I help you?" the man asks.
"Good morning Sir, I'm April Gre-" as soon as I'm about to say it, I realise its not true. The pain in my chest is almost unbearable. How? What? Oh God! This is too much. How can I not be April Grey anymore?
"We are the Walsh, Sir." Nathan answers on behalf of me and holds my hand even tightly.
"I'm William. Don't call me, sir. Call me Will." he smiles, "What can I do for ya?"
"There is something we want to ask you." Nathan rubs the back of his neck. Will and the girl, who is now sitting besides him, look at Nathan with confused expressions, "We want to know about a child birth about 24 years ago. The baby was a girl and was abandoned by her family shortly after the birth." I gulp hard as he describes my birth story. I feel so helpless.
"A girl? There are plenty of girls out here young man. And how am supposed to remember something that happened twenty four years ago when I can't even remember my medicines?"
"Will, I'm that girl." I say, kneeling in front of him, "My parents abandoned me as soon as I was born. A guy who runs the orphanage picked me from the trash and took me with him. I came to know this a few days ago. It's very important for me to know where my parents are."
"I understand, kiddo. But I'm sorry I don't know anything about it." he looks at me with those sympathetic eyes and I hate it.
"Sir I don't need your sympathy, I need your help." I force him.
"Baby," Nathan stops me by patting me on the shoulder, "I think we should go." I sigh and get up. My last hope was a dead end. Now I have nothing.
"You leave me your number. We'll call you if we find anything." Will says. Nathan leaves his card with Will's granddaughter.
The ride home is awfully quiet. I don't feel like speaking. This was a disaster. We found absolutely nothing. My phone beeps with a missed call from my fake parents. There are twenty in total. They are worried, I know but I can't talk to them right now. The more they try to reach out to me the more it bugs me that they are not my real parents.
I feel hollow like I have no soul, no existence. My perfect life was a joke. My palms shake as the dread settles in, I may never know who I am. I grip my dress to stop the shaking. Nathan must have notices as he reaches out to take my hand in his. He is being too supportive. But, maybe this isn't permanent as well. The one constant good thing in my life were my parents and now they are not.
We reach home and Vanessa great us. She looks at me with sympathy and worry. I ignore her and move upstairs while Nathan stops to chat with her. I need someone to get rid of this pain. I scream and cry breaking down as soon as I reach my room. My phone vibrates on the table and I pick up to throw it. As I am about to throw it, I notice Dylan's name on the caller.
"What do you want?" I snap before he could say anything.
"April? Are you okay? Have you been crying? Did he hurt you?" His concerned voice reaches my ears, making me angrier.
"No, he did not hurt me. You hurt me you bastard. Who tells their ex they are in love with them and then asks them to run away? Are you that selfish? You are one pathe-" Before I can finish the sentence, Nathan gently takes away the phone.
"Hey Dylan, its me Nathan. This is not a good time. April will call you soon." He speaks on my behalf.
"No tell me what happened? Did you hurt her? I swear to God Nathan..." I hear him on the other end. I pounce to take away the phone but Nathan stops me.
"No, I didn't hurt her. Something happened but it's not my secret to tell." Nathan answers, "She will call you back when she feels better. I'll remind her, I promise." Nathan says so firmly. Dylan hangs up the phone.
I pace towards the bed, "Don't ever do that again."
"Do what?"
"Make promises you can't keep." Nathan sighs and puts down the phone. Nathan comes closer to me and plants a soft kiss on my lips. "Make me forget, Nathan. Take this pain away please." I break down again. Nathan hugs me and moves us until I am lying on the bed with him on top.
"I will make you forget." He says firmly and kisses me passionately. His tongue enters my mouth and dances perfectly with mine. I feel his hands between us opening the buttons of his shirt while he continues to kiss me. I help him out his shirt, running my fingers through his chest. His lips leave mine and start to kiss my neck. I moan silently as he sucks on my skin. His hands find my zipper and opens it quickly releasing me from my dress. I lay on my elbows and realise its the first time in going to be this initimate with him. Nathan doesn't allow me to think much about it as he plants feather like kisses all over my chest.
His hands roam around my body caressing all the rights spots. He sucks on my skin near my breast and it feels so good. He feels so good. His finger tucks in my braline and he stretches it under my breast exposing my boobs for him. He looks at me with lust and passion, fire igniting inside him. My breathing increasing as I watch him, I am so curious as to what will happen next. Nathan leans and takes my nipple into his mouth. I moan loudly and throw my head back, absorbing the pleasure currents through my body.
"Nathan..." I sigh as he continues the sweet torture on my breast. His other hand reaches for the other breast while he works his skillful tongue on this one. I grip the sheets as waves of pleasure hit me. His mouth moves to the other breast giving it equal attention as his hands move lower. Oh God. I shut my eyes and take it all in. He was right, he had made me forget. The pain has subsided and the pleasure was primary. His hand reaches my sex and traces it through my panty. He doesn't remove it. I move my hips into his hand but he holds me down. His other takes my wrists and pin them above me. I am hardly able to move as he continues his torture. He rubs my clothed sex and finds the clit. He continues to Suck my nipples as he rubs me. I lose myself in the pleasure and heat builds inside me. Pleasure builds inside me and I orgasm as he rubs me harder.
When I come back to reality Nathan is lying next to me with a triumphant smile on his face. "That was not bad." I say.
"Not bad?" He gasped, offended, "Darling I rocked your world." He winked. I roll my eyes and smile at him. He opens his arms to me and I hug him.
"Thank you for everything." I whisper and close my eyes.