I start work today. I don't remember graduating or being hired as a paid employee at the publishing house I interned for, but apparently, both of those things happened.
I'm nervous to go back. I have made strides when it comes to leaving the apartment, I went to the grocery store with Damon the other day, but we are always together. I am scared to be without him. What if they come to get me again? I won't have Damon to protect me.
On top of that, what will my fellow worker think about me when I go back? Do they know what happened to me? Does anyone care?
Shaking my head, I take a deep breath and change my mentality. I chant my new catchphrase of "I can do this" as I get dressed for my second first day of work. I hope I look okay and everyone talks to me like normal.
With one last chant, I call Damon to tell him I am ready to go.
When he first told me that I should get back to work, I was shocked, to say the least. Why would he ask me to do that? How could he ask me to do that? I knew his intentions were pure and would benefit my sake, but I didn't want him to push me out of the nest like that. What if I'm not ready? I know I should get out more, but what if I freak out or can't concentrate enough to do my work? It has only been four weeks since I first walked out of his apartment for the first time.
"Alright, are you ready?"
My voice is hesitant as I say "yes." How could I be ready? Do I seem that put together? On the inside, I am a mess of voices and doubt.
Grabbing his keys, we walk out of the apartment and I walk easily down the hallway. Despite this being the place where everything happened, I feel safe walking down it. Damon will protect me and I have walked down here plenty of times before without a hitch. The staircase and parking lot are the same. Over the last couple of weeks, I have ventured around the building more to get used to being outside of the apartment, but, aside from the grocery store, I have not left the premises of this complex.
Settling in the car, Damon barely starts the engine before he is trying to convince me this will be a good thing and not something my nerves should be fraying over. I want to believe him, but I don't like unknown situations and this job is a big question mark for me. I hope everything goes well, but I don't know what it will be like going back.
"I wish you could spend the day with me; I just really don't want you to leave me. You know we haven't been separated since everything happened. What if I need you?"
"I wish I could too, but this is your job, and going back to a normal routine and being on your own, even if for a few hours, will really help you."
I wish he would stop using the doctor's words against me. I know what the doctor said, I was there when he started going on a tirade of everything I needed to do to get readjusted to life. Right now, I am happy with the baby steps, but this feels an awful lot like flooding me. I hope I don't drown.
"We're here. Do you remember what you have to do when you walk in? Do you remember where to go?"
I'm grateful that he wants to help me, but right now all I can think about is him leaving me again to fend for myself. I realize that what happened wasn't his fault and it never will be, but he was always in my mind when I was in the basement. In a way, he was always with me and now it's like he is really abandoning me.
"Yes, I go to the front desk and ask for Amelia. When she comes she will take me to my office and we will go get lunch during our break."
"And what if something happens?"
"I call you and you will pick me up in a heartbeat."
Like a parent would do to their child, he kisses me on my cheek, gives me a lunchbox with snacks and water, and wishes me a good day at work. The gesture is sweet, but it makes me feel small, fragile, and I don't want to be that way anymore, even if I act like I need to be treated that way.
Taking another calming breath, "I can do this" quietly slips past my lips as I walk into the building. The receptionist looks up at the sound of the door opening, a white smile on her face.
"Hi. How can I help you? Are you here to see one of our editors?"
"Hi. I'm an employee here. Would you be able to call down Amelia, please?"
She tries not to show it, but I see the recognition in her eyes and her smile waver before she fixes her composure.
It's fine. I can do this. I will do this.
As she calls Amelia, I look around the front lobby. It's clean and refreshed. It looks like a blank slate that's ready to be covered by the words of all the future authors who will walk through this door. It brings me hope. If they can create a book good enough to publish in this competitive society then surely I can make it through one eight-hour shift where I have to read and write my opinion on manuscripts.
Amelia walks up to the desk, a big smile on her face, and hugs me.
My body tenses at the contact before I remember what Damon told me about us being friends. Just because I don't remember everything clearly, doesn't mean she doesn't remember.
I only hesitate for one more second before my own arms wrap around her.
This is nice. We are just two friends hugging each other, it feels normal.
"Okay, so there is a lot to catch you up on. Sarah from my floor met Brad from your floor and for a few weeks, they were all lovey-dovey. There were always flowers on her desk and they would monopolize the break room, and" lowering her tone to a whisper, "I think they were even caught in the printer room. But then Brad supposedly cheated with Sarah's friend and they came to work fighting and she poured coffee on him. Luckily it was from that morning and wasn't hot, but he had to be sent home early that day and now they glare at each other whenever they see each other."
"Oh, and…"
Her voice trails off as I study the building around me. This is where I'm going to be working. This is my friend gossiping with me. This is it. This is going to work. Damon was right, this was a great decision and the next step to moving on with my life.
"Are you listening? You are missing all of the juicy details. If you ask me, the boss should prohibit employees dating, too much drama when they break up."
"Of course I am listening, I don't want to miss a single detail. I wish I was here to see it all unfold. It would make a great plot for a romance novel. Did you take notes?"
We walk into the elevator with light laughter. I feel free.
"Okay, now let's talk shop. So before you were reading manuscripts and giving them to more reputable editors to handle, but now, since we are short-staffed after Tanya quit, you have to pick up the slack. Meaning, you now have an assistant and you have fewer manuscripts to review, but more client meetings."
My whole world stops spinning then speeds up rapidly. Why didn't I know about this before? Why didn't she start with this?
"Rose? Rose, are you alright?"
Closing my eyes, I steel myself. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.
"Yes, this is surprising, but I am good. I can handle that. I went to school for that after all."
"Great! Your boss will be happy to hear that. He has been so stressed out lately. We all have bets running on when he is going to lose his shit. I give him another week or two. The longest bet is for two months from now."
"Okay, here is your office. My extension is on the phone if you need me just call. Remember, we are taking lunch at 2. I was thinking we could go to Panera and grab a bread bowl, I have been craving them for weeks now."
"Yea, that sounds great. See you then."
Walking into my office, I take a seat in my chair. There are two manuscripts sitting on my desk and my assistant walks in with hot chocolate. I think we are going to get along fine and I am going to do great at this job. I finally feel confident about something. This is the day that I will start to live my life.