As usual, I don't know what to do. Ever since everything happened, I know nothing. I don't know how to help myself. I don't know how to get back to normal faster. I don't know if I will ever be normal. I don't know how my graduation was. I don't know how Amelia and I first met. I don't know how I became involved in something so dangerous. But, most importantly, I don't know how to stop the thoughts tearing apart my mind.
They have become more frequent during my days. My nightmares have become significantly worse and much more frequent. It's as if all of the progress I have gone through the past couple of months simply vanished. I am back to the frightened and quiet girl I was when I was first rescued. It just doesn't make any sense. I was making progress and everything started deteriorating around me. I have shut people out, Damon and I no longer sleep in the same bed, and I don't talk to Amelia. The only place that is not affected is my work life and that is not even true. I don't talk to my co-workers, my assistant communicated with me through email, and I only take two appointments a week with authors.
However, there is one thing that I do know from this experience. Everything is getting tired of my cold and hot behavior. Everyone is exhausted from having to take care of me. They saw me making progress and they were relieved, but I am just letting them all down again.
Opening my laptop, I put in my fingerprint, thankful that I set one up before everything, and look up therapists near me. I think it is time that I talk to someone about what has been going on with me and what I went through. Honestly, it is the last thing I can think of so I can get back to living my life. I don't want to just survive anymore. I want to flourish and see the world and breathe in the fresh air without being assaulted by my own thoughts and constantly looking over my shoulder in fear that they will get me again.
The results for "therapists near me" are extensive. There are so many options and each therapist has three or more different areas of expertise. The problem is the fact that I don't even know which area I would fall under. Would a trauma therapist be my best bet? Maybe a regular therapist who works with adults? What about a therapist who specializes in adults going through a transitional phase in their life? I fit into all three of these categories and I am stuck. What, rather, who would help me best?
Instead of deciding on the area of expertise, I look into the three therapists' profiles. I don't want a male and I don't want someone who is over the age of 70. I want someone who is a woman like me to understand what society is like and how this is affecting me, especially because, in this stage of my life, I want to get married and have children. I can't afford to wait and put my life on hold any longer. I know I cannot have children soo because I am not stable enough for them, but by getting help, that could be a possibility in the next couple of years.
There is a woman who is forty years old and specializes in working with adults in the transitional phases of their lives. She looks kind and has been working in this field for over ten years. Grabbing my phone, I dial her number and anxiously listen to the phone ringing. On one hand, I want her to pick up so I can get started on improving my life, but on the other hand, I want to run away from my problems and ignore the fact that I need help.
The phone rings twice before a soft, but confident voice comes through the phone.
"Hi! This is Gabrielle Day. How can I help you?"
My throat closes as I get ready to answer her back. This is my last chance. I can hang up the phone and forget about this whole thing and continue spending my days like this.
With that thought, I quickly answer before hanging up the phone.
"Hi. My name is Rose. I was hoping to become a patient of yours."
"Okay, Rose. I think it is great that you are taking the first step and contacting me! When are you free to come to my office? We can fill out the forms and see whether I am the right fit for you."
"I am available tomorrow at two."
"Okay, let me check." The phone is silent for a moment, the sound of paper rustling breaking the silence. "That works great! If you can give me your email, I will send my information and if you would like to fill out the forms before you come here tomorrow, I will send those as well. Do not feel obligated to fill them out ahead of time."
Giving her my email, I say thank you and hang up shortly after. While she may not be the right fit for me, I am glad I contacted her first. She seemed really sweet and upbeat which is a needed breath of fresh air. I hope everything will work out with her. I really need it to work.
Putting my phone back on the table, I situate myself on the couch and put on some movie on Netflix. I pull the blanket from the back of the couch and cover myself, a yawn falls from my lips. Placing my head on the armrest, the movie starts to play and the apartment door opens. I don't bother jumping, Damon and Brandon are the only ones with a key and Damon told me he would be home around this time.
"Hey. Anyone home?"
Waving my hand over the top of the couch, a small "hey" falls from my lips.
"What are you watching? Anything interesting?"
"No, not really. It's just something to watch."
"Do you mind if I join you?"
"No."
Walking around the couch, he sits down on the middle cushion and puts my feet on his lap. Absentmindedly, he started to rub them.
"I don't want to anger you or make you upset, but are you okay? I have noticed a change in you in the last couple of days. You will be having a perfectly good time and then you just shut down out of nowhere and hide back in your shell. Rose, you know I am here for you, right? I am always here if you want or need to talk. But, you can't keep shutting me out. I understand what you went through to some degree, I may be the only one who understands, don't shut me out. We have gone back and forth since you have been home and I have been patient, but I can't help but feel that no matter what I do, nothing will ever be enough to get the girl I loved back."
I want to scream in pain as he finishes. It feels as though a hand just went through my chest, ripped out my heart, and stomped on it until it was a pile of blood and broken pieces. I want to be the girl he loved. I want him to love me. I want to love myself. But I don't know how to get back there and I think doing what I did today is the best step for me to take to get there.
"I-I don't know what to say. I know everything has been very hot and cold lately, trust me, I do. But I-I don't know what I am supposed to say or do anymore." Keeping my head turned away from him and my voice small, I curl further into myself. "You make me feel so vulnerable sometimes. It's not a bad thing, but I've been having these awful thoughts in my mind and whenever I get remotely happy or think of you, they form in my mind. You make me forget and I think that is why these thoughts are coming back. I know I am not still trapped there, but sometimes it feels like I am. I am worried that I will be trapped there again one day. And even when I am not physically trapped somewhere, sometimes I am trapped in my own mind, and that is an even harder place to escape from. I'm not sure if there is a way to escape yourself, but I would like to. I think you could help me get there, but every time I see you, I feel small. I remember when you rescued me. I remember how you picked me up and carried me out of there when I was nothing. I felt like a child and I still do sometimes. I get that you are trying to help, but I don't really know how you can help me, how I want you to help me." Lowering my voice so it is just a whisper, "I don't know how anyone can help me."