Six months. I lost six months of my life.
I don't know where to go from here. I feel lost. How did so much time pass without me knowing? How could I have let this happen to me?
When my mystery man, who I now know if Damon, told me I- I was shocked, confused, frustrated, hurt, upset. Every emotion that I could feel, I felt in that moment. Honestly, I didn't know what to think or how to act.
They all watched me like a ticking time bomb, and, frankly, I feel like I am going to explode at any minute. I was rescued, yes, but I spent so much time in the dark. First I was taken and trapped there for five months and then I was in and out at the hospital for a little over a month. I lost so much during that time. I forgot the foundation of who I was. I couldn't remember my own name!
My captors have taken so much from me and even now, a little over a hundred miles away from them, they continue to take from me. I don't sleep much anymore. I constantly have nightmares and wake up drenched in sweat, panicking about where the bad man is and if he wants to play with me that night. I never like when the lights are off. There is always one on, that may not have changed from my normal behavior, but the reasoning behind it is different. I'm no longer afraid of what might be in the dark or getting hurt if I need to get up in the middle of the night, I am petrified of what I have seen in the dark.
I like to think that they will never hurt me again; that they will just let me go and live my life, but I know that is not logical. They may have had what they wanted for a while, but now that they don't, they may be desperate enough to try and get me back again to teach Damon a lesson.
I just wish the lessons didn't have to involve me. After all, haven't I suffered enough?
Damon walks into the living room then, a brilliant smile on his face. We have decided to live together for the time being considering I don't like to be alone and I can't remember how my life used to be, just bits and pieces that I remember here and there.
I know that everything happened because of what he did, but he has been my rock. He is there to soothe me after every nightmare. He is there whenever I need something, and he always keeps a flashlight with him, just in case I need more light or don't feel safe with just one small one on at night.
"Rose."
Even after hearing that name for a couple of weeks, I still cannot believe that it is my name. I can't believe that I had forgotten my own name. What happened to me?
"Rose, I think we should go outside today."
Oh, another thing, despite being out of the hospital for right around a month, I have not been outside. I know I missed the summer months and it's already cold enough to be the dead of winter. While I am dismayed that I missed summer, I am grateful that I was able to see the winter months. They give me a chance to hibernate and settle back into a life that I have to create for myself using the small pieces that I have, whether they are memories or just pieces of myself they didn't strip away from me.
"I don't want to go outside."
To me, the outside is a foreign place. Sunlight is a foreign sensation. Cars and trees are foreign sights.
"I know it's cold out, but there is a little snow on the ground from last night. Why don't we go look at it? Maybe we can take a short walk in the parking lot?"
He's so patient, but I- I just don't want to do anything. I want to sit here, safe in the living room, and live my life this way.
"Not today." The same response that I say daily spills from my lips and I see the smile on Damon's face waver.
I'm sorry.
He's trying so hard, but all I do is shut him out. I shouldn't but it feels right. I don't want to be alone, but I want alone time. I just want him to sit there and be with me even though I won't mentally be with him.
"That's okay. How about we go into the hallway, at least? We can walk to the staircase and back."
I want to say no. I really do, but how can I keep disappointing him when he has hope shining in his eyes? How can I keep showing him how broken I am when he risked his life to save mine?
With a lump in my throat, "yes" barely squeezes out of my mouth and into the air.
His face falls momentarily until my answer fully registers in his mind. His brilliant smile is back tenfold.
"Yes?"
"Yes, but only to the staircase."
"Okay, great. I'll grab our shoes."
He looks like a kid who was told we would go to ToysRUs. His footsteps have pep in them and he looks so excited.
"Alright. I have them." He lifts our shoes in the air and waves them gently. Moving around the couch, he kneels in front of me and lifts up my foot.
No. I can do this.
"Damon, I can do it."
Looking up at me, his face is soft and his smile gentle. "I can do it."
"Let me. I remember how to tie my shoelaces, you know?"
It was meant to be a joke, but the solemn expression on his face tells me he didn't find the humor in what I said. Honestly, I didn't either, but I need to start caring for myself and getting back to normal, well, as normal as I can be after everything.
Getting off his knees, he sits next to me on the couch and we put on our shoes together. It's nice, it's normal. But as we both stand up from the couch, my heart beats like a drum against my chest, my hands tremble and my mouth goes dry.
I can do this. I need to do this.
With shaky steps, I make it to the front door and stare at the only barrier between me and the outside world.
I can do this.
With a deep breath, I count to four. Reopening my eyes, I look at Damon who stares at me with the hope dying in his eyes. I know he doesn't think I'm actually going to go outside, but I want to do this for him. For me. I want to do this for us.
With a wobbly smile, I give him a small nod.
His hand reaches for the door handle, slowly, too slowly, before he opens the door. Doubt floods through my mind, but I need to do this. I am stronger than this.
The lights from the hallway creep inside the apartment, they aren't bright, but it feels as though they are blinding me. I am reminded of that night. All I did was open this door and that was the beginning of the end of six months of my life. Pain squeezes my chest and tears blur my vision. How could I have let this happen to me? Why did I have to leave? Why didn't I fight harder?
Thoughts run through my head at a hundred miles per hour, things I should have done, things I shouldn't have done. They deafen me and suck me into a world of my own. I don't want to be here anymore. I want to be in the world with Damon and the snow. I just want to go back to normal!
A strong hand lightly holds my smaller one and pulls me back into the world. I'm grateful and it gives me enough courage to take the first couple of steps down the hallway and all the way to the staircase. I stop at the doors, debating on whether I can make it outside.
Shaking my head, I decide this is enough for today. Baby steps. I made it out of the apartment for the first time since I came home from the hospital. It took work, but I did it. Feeling proud of myself, I grab Damon's hand a little tighter and walk back to the apartment, closing the door behind us.
There may be many small pieces, and I will never put them all back together, but with time, everything will be okay. I just need to keep telling myself that I can do this because in the end, I survived and I will continue to survive and live my life the way I always intended it to be.