Well...dads funeral is coming up soon so that sucks. I'm not feeling very well, probably because I just failed a suicide attempt. My big sister Avery wants to have someone monitor me. I'm pretty sure she's afraid I'll do it again and rightfully so.
I don't have to go to school today or the rest of this week really so that's nice. But Amy's taking off school to watch me since Adam and Stan have work.
"So how you feeling"
"Fine. I'm really not in the mood to talk"
"Well we're going to anyway"
"Good luck with that"
I rolled over in bed and faced the wall
"Please, just talk to me"
"There's nothing to talk about"
"Really, there's nothing to talk about"
"Yeah really. Now can you get out"
"Sorry but I'm supposed to be watching you"
"So what you just going to sit and stare at me all day"
"Only until we talk"
I roll my eyes and go back asleep. When I wake up Amy's there just as she said but fast asleep. I must be a pretty boring sight to see if she fell asleep that quick.
******
I heard a car outside today.
"Oh great it's Mary the meddling social worker" I whisper to myself.
I really don't feel like talking to her. She's like the school counselor, all she does is corners me with her stupid questions. I can feel a rush of hot air come over me when I hear her knock on the door. Amy goes to answer it and of course she just invites herself in.
"Hi Amy I'm sure you remember me I'm Mary"
"I know, now why are you here"
"I'm here to talk to your sister Scarlett"
"Well she's not up to talk. So you can leave"
"Sorry but I can't leave until I talk to Scarlett"
"Well I'm telling you to go"
"Your foster dads want me to talk to Scarlett and I won't leave until I do"
"Well you can do that outside"
"No, I'll be staying in here"
"Well fine sit there"
"I'll be up in a minute to talk to Scarlett"
I hear Amy walk up the stairs. She comes in and tells me about how the Social worker is here and blah blah blah. I'm not really listening to her, too tired to. Then I here more people come in and realize it's our foster dads. They greet the Social worker and she heads upstairs.
"Ok Scarlett listen"
"What"
"Please just try to listen to her so she can just leave. And actually talk and don't yell"
"Any other rules mom"
"Not funny"
"Whatever"
*****
"Ok hi Scarlett"
"Hi"
"So how have you been feeling recently"
"Like shit" Amy nudges me and I roll my eyes
"Bad it's been bad"
"Ok well can you tell me why you tried to kill yourself?"
I looked at Amy and she spoke.
"She's really tired and needs rest and your questions aren't helping"
"Well I need to know so I can finish my report"
"For what, school" I say.
"No. We've been noticing some concerning behavior from you so we've decided to put you in a hospital where you can discuss your problems and work through them in a safe secure environment"
When I heard that I just wanted to die all over again.
"What"
Then Adam spoke up.
"Well we think that this would be the best course of action"
"Well you thought wrong"
"You need help"
"No I don't I'm fine"
"No your not you just tried to kill yourself"
"Yeah and I wish I succeeded"
"This is why you need to go"
"You don't know what it's like to be me and you can't keep me here. I'm leaving"
"Where to? Your abusive mom" Stan said.
"Fuck You"
I got up and started packing my things to head to Avery's house. Then I tried to leave this stupid room but of course they stopped me.
"Your gonna have to stay here" Amy said softly.
"What did you say"
"Your going to have to stay here until you go to the hospital"
"So what you're on their side now"
"You need help"
"What I need is for all of you to leave me alone"
"Your staying here till it's time to leave for St. James Mental hospital"
"I knew I should have just slit my wrists" I mumbled.
"Please stop talking like that" Amy said.
"Why?? You can't handle reality??"
"No, I can't, so stop"
"Well to bad because I won't be here much longer"
"That's enough Stan said.
"Oh you must have thought that after this everything would be just fine and dandy. Well hate to break it to you but I'm dead, I'm a dead girl walking around in this lifeless corpse. Cutting myself just to feel something."
Everyone just looked at me shocked. I couldn't help but laugh.
"This is funny ya know. The fact that you think I'm fixable. I'm broken beyond repair, so just scrap me or better yet let me do it myself. Anyone here to say otherwise"
Amy spoke up. "I love you"
That just made my heart ache because I knew it was true.
"I know"
She was basically crying at this point.
"So why are you doing all of this"
"Simple, because I don't love me in fact I hate me so much I crave death"
I rolled up my sleeves.
"I hate me so much that I cut myself because I hate my own reflection. I hate me so much that I think everyone else does just as much."
"Well we don't" Adam said.
I smiled and took a nap in a chair in the room.
After all that the Social Worker said I had a week before I left and that I wouldn't be going to school for that time. Also dads funeral was set to be this Saturday so that's another thing to pile onto all the reasons I hate living.
******
Today I was planning another way I could kill myself quickly when my old therapist walked in.
"Hey Scarlett how have you been doing?"
"Well I tried to kill myself yesterday and revealed my cutting and bulimia. I'm an open book now so ask me and I'll answer"
"How long has this been going on?"
"Ever since dad got sick"
"How do you feel"
"Like shit can't you tell?"
"Ok well can you tell me why you tried to kill yourself"
"Because I hate my life, my body, and everything else about me"
"Have you been taking your pills"
I had to laugh at that because I hadn't thought anything about them.
"Nope"
"Why"
"Because they don't work. Are you just going to keep asking me questions like a little kid or go away"
"You tried to kill yourself"
"Thanks for the new information"
"Well this hospital should be good for you"
"Yeah if I even last long enough to get there"
"What do you mean by that?"
"You really think I'm going to give up that easy. I'll be dead by the end of this week"
"Ok I think we may have to move your inpatient care up to tomorrow if you keep talking like this"
"Good I'll kill myself under their roof"
"Ok that's all"
"Cya"
*******
I hope this was a good chapter for you guys and sorry for taking so long to upload a new chapter. Still, hope you guys are enjoying this. Cya :)