The sound of loud bells rang throughout Hogwarts. It was hard to believe that insane Halloween and the day after Halloween just passed through. Deadpool did a merry jig through the Hogwarts after doing his duty as the Deputy Caretaker of Magical Sanitation. This entire Christmas Season put Deadpool on guard though for one reason.
As many recall, last year Argus Filch went insane and tried to steal Christmas. Filch had been his normal grumpy self and had not tried anything to that level just yet. Deadpool hoped things would not turn around for the worst. He took the mop out of the bucket and wiped some splatters off of the wall. Someone smeared some kind of animal guts across the wall or something.
'Come on, it's Christmas,' Deadpool thought to himself. 'Why are you so nervous?'
'Well,' the cynical part of Deadpool's brain said. 'It's just weird nothing of note has happened in two months. The main threat of the year has been dispelled two months ago through a series of unfortunate events. It just feels like something else is bound to happen.'
Filch smacked into the Christmas decorations which the house elves strung up. The Hogwarts Caretaker curled into a grimace.
"Are you serious?" Filch asked smacking the decorations out of the place. "Why does this holiday actually happen?"
The strumming of the guitar brought Filch's attention off of the rant. Out of the blue, the Defense Against the Dark Arts Teacher Gilderoy Lockhart stepped into the picture. He played a little tune before stepping into the picture.
"Joy to the world, we'll soon be dead. No matter what we can do, we can't get ahead. Does it really matter? All of this pudding is just making us fatter. What's the point of life no one knows. It just completely blows. Joy to the world, we'll soon be…."
Filch turned his attention to Deadpool. "Don't worry, I'm not going to steal Christmas again. I learned my lesson after last year."
"That's good to know," Deadpool said. "You wouldn't believe how rare it is that someone learns their lesson around him."
A figure dressed in black walked down the hallway. She looked extremely pale to the point where Deadpool debated how much the woman had seen sunlight in years if at all. The mysterious woman did her hair up in spikes, with black lipstick, and nails done black. She topped off the outfit with so multiple piercings.
'Something tells me that going through airport security is a problem for her,' Deadpool said.
"Excuse me, I'm looking for Gilderoy Lockhart," the woman said waving a hand to show numerous cutting scars on her wrist.
The strumming of the guitar started up. Filch and Deadpool stepped away.
"I used to be known for my charming smile. My books sold for a while. Then I encountered a bunch of hicks. They were infested with teeth. They ripped my teeth and cut my hair. I learned that life is not fair."
'Wouldn't think you that his hair would grow back after three months, magic or not?' the nitpicking part of Deadpool's brain asked.
'Quiet you,' Deadpool thought. 'Don't make me sniff paint thinner to shut you up.'
"Oh, so you are Lockhart," she said. "Excuse me for a minute."
The woman took out her wand and muttered a spell, slicing her wrists. Filch gave a yelp of agony when blood splattered from her wrists and all over his clean floor.
"You crazy bitch, what the hell is your problem?" Filch asked.
"I have to cut myself, it's the only thing that gives me a thrill," the woman said as she looked pleased from the pain.
"I don't care if you cut your wrists," Filch said. "Go ahead, and slice an artery for all I care, but don't do it on my floor."
The woman bandaged the wrists and stopped the bleeding just enough. She would no longer get the thrill of pain if she died.
"Lockhart, how are you?" she asked.
"My life has turned out for the worst. With the most charming smile I used to be the first. My life is no longer swell. My looks have completely fell."
"So, would you have to say you're miserable?" the woman asked.
"Yes," Lockhart said.
"Absolutely fabulous," the woman said. "You are an inspiration to us all. Showing than one of them can become one of us. My name is Margot Dingle, I am the chief editor of Alternate Witch Weekly."
She took out a vial of pixie dust and lit it with her wand. Margot inhaled the scent and got all loopy.
"We've detested you for years, Mr. Lockhart," Margot said. "We think you're a fraud, a charlatan, a hoax, a disgusting individual. But you know how we see you here?"
"A failure?" Lockhart asked.
"Absolutely!" Margot cheered. "You're a failure. You're a glorious failure. Your life is miserable, and misery is what gets us hot at night."
Deadpool and Filch met eye to eye. Filch made the international sign for "this chick be crazy" before straightening up.
"We think you're an inspiration of how miserable you must be to lose the good looks which was the only thing that was worthwhile in your life," Margot said. "That time of inspiration must be rewarded. Therefore, I'm going to invite you this May to receive Alternate Witch Weekly's Rock Bottom Award. For you, Mr. Lockhart, are truly magnificent with how much your life has failed."
She tapped Lockhart's face.
"Those teeth are gone, your hair just isn't growing back," Margot said. "And you've put on a few pounds."
"I have?" Lockhart asked feeling around his gut worryingly. "Oh, god, I am. What in the name of Merlin's testicles has happened to me?"
"You have become one of us," Margot said in monotone. "You are now on the other side. You have stepped away from the mainstream after you've lost everything."
"I…can't this is the most awful thing that has ever happened!" Lockhart yelled.
"YES!" Margot screamed almost as if she was getting off on Lockhart's misery. "I know!"
Both Deadpool and Filch stepped back from them. Moaning Myrtle stuck her head at the loo, shook her head at this crazy woman who was completely mental unstable, and stuck her head back into the bathroom at the blink of an eye.
"I'll see you this May, where all of your formerly adoring fans will see how far you've fallen," Margot said. "Your misery as they all turn on you will be absolutely gorgeous."
The woman disappeared as suddenly as she appeared. Lockhart sank down and started to murmur to himself. He gave some dry racking sobs bemoaning his lost beauty and how freaks adored him. Freaks would not spend money.
"I can't stand to see him like this," Deadpool said.
Filch grunted and shook his head. "You're right."
The Hogwarts Caretaker picked up a tarp and threw it over Lockhart's morose body. The Caretaker dusted off of his palms and walked off to leave Lockhart to stew with his sad guitar strumming. Everyone's favorite mercenary moved around to back to his usual guitar strumming.
Harry Potter stepped down the hallway and almost ran into Deadpool.
"Hey, if it isn't Harry Potter," Deadpool said. "You know, the reason why all of us are here in this world."
One of those long looks had been given to Deadpool by Harry. The Mercenary put his hand up and make a brushing sound as if showing something flying over someone's head.
"So, what's your plans for the winter holiday?" Deadpool asked. "Surely you're not heading back to the Dursleys."
"I actually have to go the Ministry of Magic for a hearing," Harry said. "Madam Bones is going to allow the Dursleys to defend themselves, but it's not looking too good. Her team took a lot of evidence at the Dursley house, and Petunia swore that she did not take me in willingly."
It wasn't clear whether Dumbledore blackmailed her or just merely guilt-tripped Petunia out of doing so. Harry did not know and it was time to find out.
"So, I'm heading to Susan's for the holidays," Harry said.
"Hey, that's great," Deadpool said. "There's really nothing going on here since the big bad for the year has been eliminated. And I'm sure you could do with a couple of weeks off of the sad ballad of Gilderoy Lockhart."
Harry broke out into a smile. He could really do without that. He did not really know what Deadpool was on about half of the time. The man most certainly had a lot of oddness about him, but that added to his charm. Harry did need to get the next couple of things packed.
He would never have to see the Dursleys again after next week. And that was a good thing, as Harry was concerned. He walked across the hall before disappearing into the pathway.
'A shame he's kind of dropped off in this story,' Deadpool thought. 'I mean, he's only the main character of this entire franchise and he's regulated to be a bit player.'
'Yeah, but, it would be even more of a problem if the author didn't have a few other Harry Potter stories to read where he was the central player,' another voice in his head responded.
'I'm sure he'll show up to do awesome things,' Deadpool thought. 'Wait, what the hell is that?
A large knife flung from out of nowhere and came very close to stabbing Deadpool. Deadpool jumped up and wielded his mop in a circle. He was looking for this mysterious knife thrower who after all of these chapters moved to attack him once again.
The sounds of a Banjo came over the country road as a toothless man with thick glasses, a straw hat, and bib overalls without a shirt underneath and a hairy chest slammed on the breaks. A large tracker trailer full of hillbillies whooped and hollered. Among them was Crystal Meth, who was a woman on a mission.
"Alright, listen up here ya'll," Crystal Meth said. "No one is going to stay my honeycakes when we are about ready to get hitched. I don't know who this here Deadpool thinks he is, but he's been messing with the wrong girl."
The rednecks hooped and hollered. One of the men finished up with a pig.
"Man, whoever said you can't put lipstick on a pig ain't knowing nothing," he said. "Man, look at Betty-Lou, she looks sure purdy, doesn't he?"
A pig dressed in a cheerleader outfit with lipstick on it looked on with widened eyes. Crystal Meth looked up at the pig.
"She'd look even more purdy as the center course at my wedding reception," Crystal Meth said. "My honeycake is going to me….where did you say this Hogwarts was?"
"I knew this fellow who claimed he was a squid," one of the cousins said. "Yeah, you get all kinds of weird folks with that alternate lifestyle stuff, but he claimed he was a squid and he claimed that Hogwarts was in Scotland somewhere."
"Does anyone know where Scotland is?" Billy-Bob asked.
"Ah, I think that's somewhere North of Canada or something, isn't it?" one of the cousins asked.
"Finally, I'm getting hitched and I'm going to ride my stud to stable," Crystal Meth said as she bounced up and down shaking the back of the tractor trailer with heir immense weight.
"What if he don't want to get hitched?" one of the twins, either Zed or Jed, asked."
"Grandpappy?" Crystal Meth asked.
A crazy old man about three feet tall held out a shotgun which he polished. "Yeah, I reckon I've got ways in persuading him."
"What if he has someone else?" another one asked.
"I'LL KEEL THEM ALL!" Crystal Meth shouted which caused windows to crack from miles around.
Everyone shook in terror at the horror that was their sister-cousin. It was worse than the time their Mama denied her cake. They never did find Mama after that.
"Clyde, what in tarnation are you messing with now?" Crystal Meth asked.
"I found these glowing green rocks," Clyde said. "Picked them up in Kansas."
He opened the bag to reveal several glowing green chunk of alien space rocks.
"Is that where they went to see the Wizard?" Zed or Jed asked.
"You better be careful with them rocks, boy," one of the other cousins said. "They've been known to do strange things to people…give them all kinds of super powers and stuff."
"Man, glowing green rocks giving people super powers," Clyde said. "I swear, that ain't going to happen as sure as I am that two plus two equals thirteen."
"Boys, you better settle down or I'm going to get you a whipping," Crystal Meth said. "How soon are we going to get to Hogwarts? I'm getting mighty testy here."
"We should be there about May or so," Grandpappy said.