The last few weeks turned into about a month and nothing too out of the ordinary occurred. Gilderoy Lockhart refused point back to leave his office since Valentine's Day as something upset him greatly. He only ordered House Elves to bring him chocolate, wine, and lots of it. Deadpool found it his civic duty.
Thanks to the agreement Dumbledore had all of the teachers signed, Lockhart could not kill himself. Deadpool was at a loss to how this particular contract agreement worked. He was pretty sure there was some kind of magical explanation. He stepped down the hallway and came face to face with Snape.
"I think Potter's up to something," Snape said.
"Did you check the sky to see if it's blue as well?" Deadpool asked.
Snape wisely ignored this very snide comment on the part of Deadpool. "I've seen her. Not directly, but I've seen Potter talking to someone who has flown up to the window. And she was there before I could get a closer look at you."
"You sure it isn't the Potion fumes?" Deadpool asked.
"Yes, that's what Potter, Dumbledore, Filch, and several of my Slytherins all said," Snape said. "But, I know what I've seen and there's some kind of flying girl. And she's not permitted to be on the school grounds."
"Well, technically if she's flying than she's not on the school grounds," Deadpool said. "I mean she's above them."
Snape's eyes narrowed at Deadpool contradicting him in such a way. Deadpool's hands just spread apart with a smile on his face.
"I'm just saying, that's all," he said. "She's not on the grounds. She's above them."
"It doesn't matter," Snape said. "Potter's breaking Hogwarts rules, I'm almost certain of it. And I expose him and have him expelled."
"First of all, it's making me slightly uncomfortable to hear you talk about students being exposed," Deadpool said. "And secondly…have you thought about just letting it go?"
Snape did not say anything. He just turned around and walked down the hallway. Deadpool turned around and walked up the way to Lockhart's office.
'There are times where I wonder whether or not Dumbledore has given up on running a school,' Deadpool thought. 'Then again, it's not like the Ministry's much better. Or so I've heard.'
Deadpool stepped through the doorway and knocked on it three times. A very muffled "go away" came from the office. Deadpool opened the door by a hair pin. He stopped in shock at how easy it was to open up the door. The Mercenary took a deep breath and stepped into the office.
Chocolate wrappers and wine bottles covered the ground. Deadpool walked around the maze and the mess. He saw Lockhart rocking back and forth against the wall with blood shot eyes. Deadpool spent a second looking at Lockhart and the sad state. He looked to be close to four hundred pounds and looked even worse off than he was before he disappeared on Valentine's Day.
"Gaze upon the face of pure ugliness!" Lockhart bemoaned. "Gaze on it."
"You're not ugly."
Deadpool held a mirror out and Lockhart's reflection screamed out in horror before the mirror shattered into little bit pieces. The Mercenary held up the mirror with a very evident frown on his face. He shrugged his shoulders.
"Okay, fine you could be better looking," Deadpool said. "But, we all have your problems. And what you lack in looks you can make up in personality."
The word almost came out deflated when he realized who he was talking to. Deadpool turned to Lockhart's portraits. All of them hissed angry and they shielded their eyes at the ugliness of Lockhart. Lockhart rose up and gazed dup on his former glory. A tear came down his cheek. It was almost sad to watch.
"Oh, come on, suck it up," Deadpool said. "I thought that you were over this!"
"I'll never be over this!" Lockhart yelled. "I bet you anything those hillbillies put a curse on me."
"Are you saying they were Voodoo hillbillies?" Deadpool asked. "Because, if so, that's amazing."
"No, it's terrible," Lockhart bemoaned.
"Are you kidding?" Deadpool asked. "Voodoo Hillbillies is the best band name ever!"
Deadpool shook his head. He would have to patent that name as soon as possible and let the money roll in. The only problem was he needed to find people who were capable of playing in a band and that could be a problem to honest.
"Are you sure those Cornish Pixies didn't put some kind of bad luck spell on you for capturing them?" Deadpool asked.
"No," Lockhart said. "Well, they could have, but I'll be honest, I don't know what they're capable of."
"Well, there's the answer," Deadpool said. "We're going to have to find the Pixie King or Queen and plead to them to reverse the curse."
Lockhart's expression was very dubious. Deadpool put his hand around Lockhart's shoulder.
"Come on, all we have to do is find the magical Pixie Forest," Deadpool said. "And hunt down the Pixie King or Queen, and make them reverse your curse. You'll be back to your normal self in no time."
Lockhart looked very dubious about this, but he figured there was no arguments coming.
The Hillbilly Truck and Tractor Trailer laid across a garbage barge which was going across the Atlantic.
"Man, it was sure nice of that fellow to give us a ride on his Garbage Barge," Clyde said. "I guess it would be called a Garbarge!"
The other hicks raised their eyebrows as Clyde was the only one who was laughing. Zed, or maybe Jed, scratched his head.
"I don't get it," one of the twins said.
"Man, he thinks he's all fancy with his fancy fifth-grade education," the other twin said. "Look at him, Mister Fancy Pants…."
"Thinks he's better than the rest in his fancy pants," the other twin finished. They responded with a chuckle.
"Man you all best hush up right now," Crystal Meth said as she held a slice of cake which had chunks of green rock in it. "Dang Gum it, Clyde, you got your damn fancy rock in my cake!"
Crystal Meth held the slice of cake up and belched in a very unlady like manner. She studied the cake for a few seconds.
"Are you sure you should be eating that?" one of her cousins asked.
"What, as long as I can digest it, I'm fine," Crystal Meth said before shoving the meteor rock infested cake into her mouth. Crystal Meth groaned with the cake going deep into her mouth.
They watched as glowing cake crumbs went everywhere. Crystal Meth shoveled the cake into her mouth and belched before eating some more of the cake.
"Grandpappy, we'll be there by the end May, won't be?" Crystal Meth said.
"Yeah, darling, we will be there, I reckon," Grandpappy said. "Got to get there pretty fast, so we can get you hitched to that man who was done looking at you."
Deadpool stepped into the office of Albus Dumbledore. Dumbledore sat at his desk and played with the Fidget Spinner. Deadpool cleared his throat a couple of times.
"Headmaster, may Gilderoy and myself go to the enchanted forest and search for the Pixie King who put an enchanted hex on him to make him bald and ugly and fat?"
In Dumbledore's distracted state, this made perfect sense. He reached for another candy from the dish and enjoyed the sweet taste of them while flicking his Fidget Spinner.
"Okay," Dumbledore said. "Just make sure to bundle up nice and warm. That forest could get pretty chilly at night. And be careful for mischievous spirits."
"Oh, don't worry, I will,'" Deadpool said.
He made his way out of the door where Lockhart waited for him.
"He said yes," Deadpool said to him. "Are you ready?"
Lockhart shrugged in a non-committal way. Was he really ready? He supposed he did not have no choice. Everything just went to hell after he let those pixies loose in class and now his entire life went downward for the past several months.
"I don't have anything else left to lose," Lockhart said in a morose tone.
Deadpool slapped a hand over Lockhart's shoulder. "That's the spirit!"
The two of them walked off to the exit of Hogwarts ready for this weird and wild adventure. Both of them stepped out of the front door of Hogwarts to adventure and wonder.
'Oh, there's going to be adventure,' Deadpool thought. 'Maybe we should have mentioned that before.'
Molly Weasley sat in the kitchen of the Burrow dressed in black. She sent her two youngest children off to be with Aunt Muriel because she could not bear to them to see their mother like this. Molly could not even bother to compose a howler or raise her voice. The woman felt completely and utterly wrecked with deep breaths coming out of her body.
Poor Gilderoy Lockhart suffered a fate worse than death by his good looks being removed. Molly feared for her fellow house wives, some of them had stopped cooking, some had stopped cleaning, and far too many of them had stopped berating their husbands into submission. It was a national tragedy which threatened to turn into an international epidemic if Molly did not try and stop it.
Molly had to call in a favor. They needed Gilderoy back. Otherwise, men would start talking back to their wives and no longer did they have control of the house. Molly's hand shook when she clung onto the side of the tea kettle.
'Be strong,' Molly thought. 'Be strong for them all.'
The fire place in the Burrow brought to light. Horace Slughorn stepped out into the picture and brushed the soot off of his traveling robe.
"Thank you for coming, Professor Slughorn," Molly said.
"Now, Molly, I haven't been a professor in about ten years," Horace said. "Call me, Horace. I think you've earned the right."
He gave the winning smile which Molly returned. Horace pulled out a bottle and poured the contents out into two glasses. He gently pushed the glass into Molly's hand.
"Drink up," Horace gently said. "You're going to need it."
Molly could have used a good stiff drink now. She took the amber colored liquid and swallowed it down. Molly felt a little bit better as the contents entered her mouth. She drew in a deep breath and smiled.
"I'm sure you've heard what happened to Gilderoy Lockhart."
An approvingly smile crossed over Horace's face. Gilderoy Lockhart had been his favorite writer of extraordinary magical fiction. There were only a couple of problems which Gilderoy's work. Horace was not sure he was on board with Lockhart self-inserting himself as the role of the protagonist. And also, the books were mistakenly labeled as non-fiction.
"Yes, it is quite sad what happened to him," Horace said. "He was a good kid. He had big dreams to be something special and he did."
"And, this is what I've gotten from Hogwarts," Molly said. "This is what's putting house wives all over the country into a catatonic state."
Molly showed a picture to Horace which did not resemble the formerly handsome Gilderoy Lockhart at the very least. It was quite horrifying and Horace could see why house wives the world over had been turned into a very catatonic state.
"Oh, I've seen this once before," Slughorn said. "And it's pretty nasty."
"Do you think you can fix him?" Molly asked. "Please, I don't know how much longer I can take this. I'm losing the will to run my own household. Arthur is starting to….oh it's horrible."
"I'm sure Arthur will understand what you're going to," Slughorn said.
"He told me off last week and said that I was wrong," Molly said. "And I…I….I agreed with him!"
Molly stammered and shuttered at the thought of her husband being right. The man was never right. He never was right in any kind of relationship fight. The woman was always all right and all knowing. And Molly started to see herself as wrong. Would this be a beginning of a trend? This went against everything Molly's mother raised her as, and everything Great Auntie Muriel preached.
"We can restore him stronger than ever, give him back his hair, his teeth, and his good looks," Slughorn said.
"We have to hurry," Molly bemoaned. "If he gets that award from Alternate Witch Weekly, he will be lost forever. And we will never be able to run our homes ago."
"Oh, you need to break the curse."
Molly Weasley and Horace Slughorn turned around to see Xeno Lovegood of all people standing in the back door. The Editor in Chief of the Quibbler Magazine stepped into the back door as if he just stumbled in by accident. He smelled of several burned herbs and spices. One could say Xeno fell completely down the rabbit hole after his wife's mysterious death. She really was the only thing that kept him sane.
"A curse?" Horace asked.
"Yes, there can only be one person responsible for this curse," Xeno said in a low voice. "Or one group of people responsible for it."
Xeno peered over his shoulder and then looked forward without blinking. His tone grew deadly serious as if he informed a family member of a deceased loved one.
"It's the Voodoo Hillbillies."
Deadpool stepped into the enchanted mist of the enchanted Forest. Everyone's favorite mercenary took in a deep breath and just smiled when looking from the left. Lockhart stepped into him, waddling in the Forest. Several of the creatures cowered from Lockhart.
"Are you sure you captured those pixies here?" Deadpool asked.
"Yes!" Lockhart yelled. "For the last time, there are there. We should find the Pixie Queen here providing we don't get attacked by anything."
A bear trap broke open and caught Deadpool. The Mercenary groaned and pried it open. His mangled and bloodied leg dragged across the ground. Lockhart staggered in and started to breath.
"You're not having a heart attack, are you?" Deadpool asked.
"Oh, please, yes!" Lockhart yelled. "Sweet heart failure strike me down!"
Several flittering eyes flashed in the distance. A circle of pixies surrounded around. They hissed and recoiled in horror. A cloud of dust exploded.
"Oh, look, I'm walking on rainbows!" Deadpool slurred. "Hey, pretty lady let's dance!"
He grabbed Lockhart and forced him to do a waltz throughout the forest bed. Deadpool twirled Lockhart and caused him to slap down onto the ground. Deadpool strutted around the ground as the pixie dust flowed through his body.
"Hey, look at me!" Deadpool yelled. "Look at me, I'm a Fairy Princess! Look at me! Look at me, look at me dance and prance and shake my….."
Lockhart snapped up in the air and had been surrounded with a net. Deadpool looked up and laughed at him.
"Oh, hey….I need to go, I think that rabbit is going to steal my Lucky Charms," Deadpool slurred. "I don't think so, Tony the Tiger, you're not getting my Captain Crunch."
A figure with dark red-hair and crystal colored skin dressed in the most minimal amount of clothing possible. She was two feet tall, but somehow managed to convey anger and rage. The pixies circled around Lockhart.
"You!" the Pixie Queen growled. "You were the one who captured my people."
"I was going to bring them back!" Lockhart managed.
"You will be put on trial for your crimes against the entire pixie race," Pixie Queen said. "Do you wish to have representation?"
"I'll represent him!" Deadpool yelled.
Lockhart's entire face looked like he had been forced to eat rotten eggs. He was doomed.
"Don't worry, buddy, what's the worst that can happen?" Deadpool asked.
"If this poacher is found guilty of his crimes, then both of you will be sentenced to the Pit!" the Pixie Queen screeched.
"Oh, something like that, yes," Deadpool said. "Don't worry, Gildy, you can count on me!"
"Well, at least it will be over soon," Lockhart said. "Doomed, doomed, doom!"
Lockhart took a deep breath and screamed out the next word.
"DOOM!"
Somewhere in his castle, Victor Von Doom woke up from a slumber and looked around. Doom dressed in a green night gown, a shower cap, and bunny slippers with his prominent mask on. He clutched a Teddy Bear with a Doctor Doom mask on its face.
He could have sworn someone yelled his name, but no one appeared to be around.
"Accursed Richards," Doom grumbled before clutching his Doom Teddy and going back to sleep.