"My name is Wade Wilson. For five years, I was lost on an uncharted island. Everyone was dead. I think. And then we all ate Gilligan. After that adventure was over, I went to a magical school of magical things and magical people that taught the magic of magic, and the magic was magical. I needed to do something in my life, where I would become something else. Therefore, I became something else. I decided to become the Assistant Deputy Caretaker of Magical Sanitation at Hogwarts School of Magic and Fun. I am Deadpool."
Wade spreaded his arms out wide to get a disgusted look from one Severus Snape.
"Do you mind?" Snape asked. "The sooner we get this staff meeting over, the better. I have important things to do."
"Like what?" Deadpool asked.
"Things!" Snape yelled. "To do!"
"Okay, fair enough," Deadpool said.
'So remember, any continuity errors you see, just put your hands in the air, take a deep breath, and scream 'damn it, Barry!''
Deadpool whistled a merry tune and danced a merry jig. He entered the staff room with Filch, McGonagall, Sprout, Flitwick, Vector, Sinistra, Babbling, Burbage, Trelawney, Hagrid, Moe, Larry, Curly, Doc, Dopey, Happy, Bashful, Grumpy, Sneezy, Sleepy, Sleezy, Scooby, Shaggy, Velma, Fred, Daphne, Paul, Ringo, John, and George.
A few of those names might have been invented in Deadpool's head for comedic purposes.
'Seems like a crowded room.'
'I know, am I right?' Deadpool responded. 'Wait, did we call one of the dwarves Sleezy?'
'Yeah, but it's funny, so we're not changing it,' Deadpool's voice number three thought. 'And way to point out the joke, you chucklefuck.'
'I'm pretty sure that's the one that was hanging out with Bill Cosby,' Deadpool voice number four thought. 'Jello should really not have been used in that way.'
The "too far" alarm went off.
'Well that was fun, people, see you in another ten months,' Deadpool thought.
To Be Continued.
'Psyche!'
"Good evening, staff of Hogwarts," Dumbledore said. "For those of you who forgot names, I am Albus Dumbledore."
"Hi, Albus, I'm Deadpool," Deadpool said. "Alcohol has affected my life in so many ways, and I think that….'
"It's not that kind of meeting, Mr. Wilson," McGonagall said.
"That's not until next week," Trelawney said knowingly.
Hagrid nodded sagely. Dumbledore cleared his throat.
"I wish to talk about the planned expansions of Hogwarts, to add 3 new bathrooms for each of the seventy-one genders as dictated by a Muggle Social Media Platform that will not be invented for another twelve years," Dumbledore said.
'Is it?' Deadpool asked.
"No bloody way in hell I'm cleaning that many more toilets," Filch said.
"Do you even clean the restrooms to begin with?" Deadpool asked.
"No, but it's the bloody principle of the matter," Filch said. "Where do we draw the line? Back in my day, there were only two genders, boys had a penis...girls had a bloody vagina...especially once a month, am I right, guv?"
Filch raised his hand towards Snape for a high five.
"I don't think so, Argus," Snape said.
Filch dropped his hand down, denied by the only person in this school that he somewhat considered his best friend, if he was capable of having friends.
"You're going to get some hate on tumblr for that," Deadpool offered.
"Bah!" Filch spat. "Why do I bloody care what a bunch of gymnasts care about anyway? I'm a crusty old man! I hate everything. Why should I care what they think?"
Argus Filch, the hero you all deserve, and yet absolutely no one wants. Not even his own mother.
Deadpool responded with a shrug. "Fair enough."
"And what about if a wizard happens to lose his happy wand in an incident involving his brother and a goat?" Dumbledore asked out of the blue.
Everyone in the entire office went silent when Dumbledore made this statement. The Headmaster ammened this statement.
"Asking for a friend," Dumbledore said.
No one decided it was best in their own interest to not ask any follow up questions whatsoever.
"Headmaster, if we could stay on topic," McGonagall said.
"Right," Dumbledore said. "After the incident last year involving our previous Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, I daresay we may need to fill that staff vacancy."
"Of course, Headmaster," Snape said. "Might I suggest…."
"Therefore, I will be happy to announce that Remus Lupin will be the new Defense Against the Dark Arts Teacher at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry," Dumbledore said. "I believe you know him, don't you Severus?"
Snape could not believe Dumbledore would have forgotten the fact that Lupin and Black conspired to kill him at Hogwarts.
Granted, Lupin was not technically part of the joke, but why let a little thing like facts get in the way of holding onto a grudge from your teenage years?
"Yes, Headmaster, but I must wonder if Lupin is the right fit given...recent events," Snape said. "Given that he was friends with our Prisoner of Azkaban…"
"Tee-hee, he said it!" Dumbledore giggled like a three year old on a sugar high.
Snape wondered if it was too late to take up another career path. Or perhaps join Lockhart in the void with the Hillbilly cult.
"As you know, Sirius Black has escaped from Azkaban Prison," Dumbledore said. "It's supposed to be impossible, but he found a way to do it. And now he may be after Harry Potter."
"So, did you tell Harry about this?" Deadpool asked.
"Well, no, but you see it would be a lot easier if we didn't," Dumbledore said. "Because, if Harry found out, he may overreact and then that would be trouble. No, I think that it's best to not tell Harry until the absolute last minute, if it all. Therefore, if he never finds out, then he will never have any reason to go after Black. Problem solved, am I right?"
"Well, if Harry finds out later and finds out you're keeping shit from him, then there could be trouble," Deadpool said. "He might be mad at you, or even go on a three chapter shopping spree and remember a goblin's name and buy a trunk with seven compartments! Seven!. Do you really want to be responsible for something like that?"
Deadpool pointed his finger in Dumbledore's face and tapped him on the nose.
"Three...chapter...shopping….spree!" Deadpool cried, yelping out each word for emphasis. "So, why don't you tell him and get it over with and build trust so you can work together to some common goal later on."
Silence occurred in the room.
"Oh, I have some lint in my belly button," Dumbledore said. "I better get that cleared out and quickly."
"And this is why everyone writes you sodomizing kittens," Deadpool said. "With all of your lies, manipulation, and downright shady activity."
"Oh, don't you think that you're overreacting," Dumbledore said. "I've never sodomized a kitten."
A long pause followed with Dumbledore clearing his throat.
"As I was saying, there will be new security measures," Dumbledore said. "Minister Fudge declined to send Aurors to the school, despite it being a time of peace. Therefore, he's willing to send the Azkaban Guards to be around Hogwarts. They are soul sucking monsters called Dementors who leech all the happiness out of people...and I don't like them, but considering we need to pull out all of the stops to catch Black…."
"Who would have gotten past said guards in the first place to escape Azkaban," Deadpool said.
"Well, when you look at it from that angle, it is silly," Dumbledore said. "But, surely the same thing could not happen twice. I mean, wouldn't Black find it much more difficult to get inside of Hogwarts than it would be to get inside of Azkaban? After all, it's the safest place on Earth."
"Sure, just keep telling yourself that," Deadpool said. "It's about as safe as the Titanic was unsinkable."
"So you see my point," Dumbledore said. "I'm sure though if we tell the students that are not to wander astray, they will not go afoul of the Dementors. We need to do what we need to prepare the Head Boy and Head Girl for what's to come, therefore they can lead Gryffindor, Slytherin...and the rest of students at Hogwarts."
"Of course, Headmaster, I'm certain the rest will do what they can to make sure this year will run smoothly," Flitwick said.
"Indeed," Sprout said.
"Sointy," the ghost of Curly said. "Nyuck Nyuck Nyuck"
"But, we must be wary," Trelawney said. "For the grim approaches, and he stalks Harry Potter around every turn. He will forever be a presence, until The Boy-Who-Lived will be the Boy-Who-Died!"
Everyone, looked at Trelawney in despair.
"Seriously?" Vector asked. "Why did you hire her?"
"Would anyone care for a lemon drop?" Dumbledore asked.
"No, thank you, Headmaster," Babbling said.
Deadpool wondered what kind of train wreck this year would bring. If this pre-year Staff Meeting was any indication, sht would be going down.
"Perhaps, it would be prudent if we warn the parents that there will be dementors at the school," Vector said.
"Oh, no, that can't be done," Dumbledore said.
"Are you serious?" Deadpool asked.
"I am!" Dumbledore cried out. "Well, of course, it would be a shock. I would be the last person that I would expect of being Sirius Black...but if I'm Sirius Black...then I must contact the Ministry at once and surrender...but...no wait, if I was Sirius Black, then I would not be serious enough to turn myself in, because….I would have used some serious dark magic to turn into Sirius, seriously speaking. But the magic had to have been botched...if that means that Dumbledore is in Sirius's body and bumbling around...ha serves the old goat right! Suck it, Dumbledore!"
Everyone feared for Dumbledore's sanity as he popped another lemon drop into his mouth and sucked on it slowly, with his eyes rolling back into his head in sheer bliss as he made moaned.
And promptly caused everyone's chairs to scoot back from him.
"Headmaster, I believe you're not Sirius Black," Snape said.
"Well, obviously, I must have had you bamboozled," Dumbledore said.
He took another lemon drop and his eyes darted all over the room. They looked extremely red and puffy.
"What are in those lemon drops anyway?" McGonagall asked.
"Oh, it's a special bag that the charming Miss Lovegood gave to me, you see it was her father's creation," Dumbledore said.
"I believe you have enough, Dumbledore," McGonagall said.
McGonagall took the bag of lemon drops away from Dumbledore. Dumbledore crossed his arms.
"Headmaster, I believe that we can handle the rest of the meeting from here," McGonagall said. "Why don't you go with Mr. Filch and Professor Snape up to the hospital wing? That way Madam Pomfrey can give you a check up. After all, isn't good health important?"
"Oh, yes, I would agree, given that I instituted the policy of routine wellness checks at Hogwarts," Dumbledore said. "Both physical and mental...good thing the Headmaster can't fire himself. Because that would be a conflict of interest, you know what I mean, guv?"
Dumbledore raised his hand for a high five, but Snape blew him off.
Somewhere the cheers of Slash fangirls echoed in the distance, before they realized that's not what the narrator meant.
"Come on, Dumbledore," Snape said. "Let's go."
"Do, I get a lollipop?" Dumbledore asked.
"I'll give you something to suck on, if I could get away with it," Snape grumbled.
"Oh, Severus, not in front of the children," Dumbledore said.
A loud smack echoed as Snape whirled around. It was Filch kicking the chair out of the way and stubbing his toe. He swore.
Everyone who was left in the room turned to McGonagall who gave the defeated sigh. Years of working at Hogwarts left her pretty much dead on the inside.
"Yes, I know, but he still is the most powerful and influential wizard we have," McGonagall said. "And the only one that You-Know-Who fears."
"I bet Tommy Boy would fear space ducks if he met them," Deadpool said.
"I highly doubt that, Mr. Wilson," McGonagall said.
"Well, maybe if I introduce him to Howard, then we'll see," Deadpool said.
The staff meeting went on without any further incident. Or at least any incident worth noting.
X-X-X
"I'm Deadpool. Can't be a fool, got to be cool, ain't no tool because I'm Deadpool!"
Deadpool danced with a mop to do some pre-Hogwarts cleaning.
"D is for dashing, daring and dramatic."
"E is for everyone dance now... . "
"A is for always all the lulz"
"D is for dude I've got this."
"P is for pretty rad dude."
"O is for oh yeah."
"O is for only the best."
"L is for let's all get chimichangas"
Deadpool started to breakdance on the ground at Hogwarts and popped up.
"There will be doom!" Trelawney yelled.
X-X-X
Somewhere, Victor Von Doom sneezed.