The last thing Deadpool remembered was a bunch of singing goblins, bricks falling, Filch losing his mind, Snape having some kind of Nam flashback, Lun's kazoo, some dancing penguins, and some drag queens doing a conga line. Although, to be fair, Wade might have been making up some of the things in his head. He woke up in the hospital wing, to see the snow blanketing the grounds of Hogwarts.
"Well, you're awake."
He noticed Snape hovering about him, bringing a potion to him.
"Don't worry, I didn't poison you," Snape said. "I would not want to run the risk that your ghost would haunt me for all eternity, despite all logic and reason."
Of course, Snape would never poison him, because he and Snape were BFFs. They were closer than brothers. They were bosom bodies, besties all the way. They were about as close as two friends could be, without crossing any boundaries which would indicate a relationship other than friendship.
At least for now. Who knew what the future could would bring.
"Good thing I can't technically die anyway. There's this thing with this jackass called Thanos. You might have heard of him, I think he was in a movie relatively recently or something…"
Snape just did what was best in this situation. He smiled, he nodded, and pretended he understood what the hell Wade Wilson was talking about it.
"There's snow on the ground," Deadpool said.
"Yes, you were out for the past three months," Snape commented. "I fear the situation has gone worse."
"How bad?" Deadpool asked.
"The singing goblin army has now had control of Gringotts, and has cut it off from the rest of the world," Snape said. "That's lead to a hyper inflation. In a matter of months our economy will collapse, and I fear that it will cause repercussions that will spill out until the Muggle World, exposing us all. And then the ramifications will be more dire."
They could have ended this all months ago, had they managed to bait that trait. But, they played in the hands of those damn goblins. Despite his best efforts, Wade could not do anything.
"What's Fudge doing about this?" he demanded.
"What do you think he's doing?" Snape asked. "He's lying to the magical public that everything is fine, while begging for Dumbledore to fix his mistakes."
"That's about right," Wade said. "What's Dumbledore doing?"
"He's certain that he can reason with the goblins behind this," Snape said. "He believes they are misunderstood."
"Oh, I don't think that I misunderstood then dropping an entire building on my head and knocking me out for three months," Wade said. "It might have caused a convenient time skip, but...that's not the point."
Luna appeared at the front door, wearing a smile on her face, and brandishing a pie. Deadpool looked at it and Luna just broke out into a smile.
"Hello, Mr. Wilson," she said. "I'm glad that you're doing much better now. I've baked you a pie."
Deadpool took the pie and noticed something particularly peculiar about it.
"Um, Luna, is there a reason why there's a hacksaw and a file in it?" Wade asked.
"Oh bugger, I got the wrong recipe," Luna said snapping her fingers. "That was supposed to be the pie you bake someone when they're in prison, not when they're in the hospital wing. The wrackspurts must have mixed up the recipes."
"Well, mistakes happen," Wade said. "Those damn wrackspurts."
"I know right," Luna said.
"HELLO FRIENDS!"
Suddenly, Wade saw someone who did not show up since very early in this first year. He was pretty sure he had been banished from the school by his mother. Ron Weasley stood before him, dressed in a stylish pinstripe suit, glasses, and brandishing a pimp cane, although not the infamous Malfoy family pimp cane.
"Weasley, you're...you're back?" Snape asked.
Snape calmly reached into his robes and downed a flask containing a potentially lethal amount of alcohol. He downed the lot in one swig.
"Yes, S-Money, Ron-izzle is back in the hiz-ooww!" Ron howled slapping his thighs. "Now Big Mama, she be getting up in my grill, talking about how I'm not fit to be in the old Hog to the Warts, but bitch be tripping!"
Ron did a little jig and did a little dance.
"And now, all my hoes be wondering where their Ron-john is," Ron commented.
'So the concussion that the troll gave him?' one of the Deadpool voices commented.
'Yep,' another voice commented.
'Can't tell if improvement or more annoying,' a third voice commented.
"But, I'm back and it's a Ronor to meet you all," he said with smug little smile on his face. "I be chilling in this hizzle for shizzle, and we be getting on this, like stank on a swing, if you know what I'm saying."
"Well, sure, why not," Deadpool said.
"Man, that man's alright," Ron said. "Mmm, Looney-G! What up in this hizz-zow!"
"Yo, dawg," Luna casually commented.
Luna and Ron exchanged a very complicated gang style handshake which caused Deadpool to snap his head back and Snape to wonder if he needed a more potent brand of alcohol. Or if accepting a lemon drop from Dumbledore the other day was a mistake.
"Oooh, girl, you be fine, you be so fine, I can pimp you out any time," Ron said.
Wade was pretty sure that it was kind of creepy and extremely inapproriate for a thirteen year old boy to say that he would pimp out a twelve year old girl. Kids these days, honestly.
"Well, um...I think that it's good that you're doing well," Luna said.
"Ooh, yeah, we can do what we can to make it a Ron!" Ron said. "I be laying some of that Ron Magic on you, you be so tight, mmm, so chill, about as chill as a Dementor's bits, you know what I'm saying?"
"Of course," Luna said.
All things considered, Luna Lovegood might have been one of the few people to actually know what Ron was saying.
Ron turned around just in time to see Draco Malfoy who took one look at Ron's cheap bling and outlandish suit, and ten knut pimp cane and just chortled.
"Yo D-Train, how's it hanging?" Ron asked. "Low and to the right, bro?"
"I'm not your bro, Weasel," Draco said. "I thought that I was done with you, I guess Mummy couldn't stand you either, so she shipped you off to school."
"Man, man, back it off bro, you be doing out the haterade," Ron said. "This cracka be tripping, dawg. You know what I'm saying?"
"No, no one knows what you're saying!" Draco yelled. "You don't make any sense."
"Man, no need to get all up in arms, come on, bro, just chill, be cool, be like Ron-Nizzle, For Shizzle, My Nizzle!" Ron said.
"I'm not your nizzle, Weasley!" Draco snapped before he stormed out in the hallway.
He stopped and came across Hermione Granger, who just happened to be on her way from the library. Or maybe going to the library. Some part of her travels involved a library.
"Granger!"
"Yes, Malfoy," Hermione curtly replied.
"You know things," Draco said.
"Yes," Hermione said.
"What's a nizzle?" Draco asked.
Hermione motioned for Draco to come forward.
"You better not get your Mudblood germs all over me," Draco said.
Hermione bitch slapped Draco across the back of the head.
"My father…."
"Writes bad poetry," Hermione said. "Now, I'm a very busy person."
"What is a Nizzle?" Draco asked.
"A what now?" Hermione asked.
"A nizzle!" Draco yelled.
"It's a slang word for…."
Hermione whispered something in Draco's ear.
"A what now?"
Hermione frowned and whispered something into Draco's ear once again.
"What's a Ni…."
Hermione shoved a ball gag into Draco's mouth with a wave of her wand, causing him to gag.
"That word's not to be said, especially to black people," Hermione said.
A ghost popped out of the floor, smug, sniffling, with pink hair, and four hundred pounds. Hermione groaned, it was the ghost of Sylvia Justine Walker.
"Actual, you should not refer to them as black people, because that's like so problematic and racist," SJW commented with a sniffle. "They are to be referred as African-Americans, thank you very much."
"Well, what if they're not American and they've never even been to Africa," Hermione said.
"OH, I'M SO TRIGGERED RIGHT NOW!" SJW screeched.
With a loud "reeee!" SJW disappeared into the distance. Hermione rolled her eyes, she had never met someone even more insufferable than she could be. But, there you go.
Draco struggled to remove the ball gag from his mouth. He looked completely agitated, almost offended.
Hermione thought it was quite interesting that someone who looked like they were straight out of Hitler youth would be offended by a racial slur.
"Although the er version is more offensive than the a version," Hermione commented casually as she motioned Draco to come closer.
The moment the ball gag had been removed from Draco's mouth, Hermione Granger and Draco Malfoy were in a compromising position just as Peeves the Poltergeist swooped in.
"Hermy and Bad Faith sitting in a tree."
"K-I-S-S-I-N-G"
"First comes love, then comes Marriage, and then comes a baby ferret in the baby carriage!"
"We weren't kissing!" Hermione yelled. "I was explaining to him what a word meant, and I had to shove a ball gag in his mouth to prevent him from saying anything."
"Oh, and tell Peevesie what word you were saying?" Peeves asked.
"I don't...I don't want to."
Teaching Peeves a new word especially like this would be a very bad idea.
"Come on," Peeves said. "I'll be your friend. I'll show you a special expanded edition of Hogwarts a History, if you tell me what super spicy word Bad Faith was not supposed to say."
Hermione whispered something and Peeves's eyes widened in horror.
"YOU WATCH YOUR MOUTH YOU RACIST HITLER!" Peeves yelled. "NEVER IN ALL MY DAYS HAVE I HEARD SUCH SLURS!"
Such language had no place in a respected magical institution. And it had no place in Hogwarts either.
"But you…."
"I'VE NEVER BEEN SO TRIGGERED BEFORE!" Peeves screeched. "WASH YOUR WHORE MOUTH!"
He shoved a bar of soap into Hermione's face, which exploded all over her face and dropped down on her knees. He casually tore the front of Draco's trousers open before zooming off with a loud "reeeeeeee" noise as he escaped into the shadows.
People ran over, just in time to see Hermione on the ground, her face covered in thick white cream, with Draco slumped against the wall with ripped trousers.
A snap of a camera indicated that Colin Creevey took a picture of the entire compromising situation.
"GET BACK HERE!"
Draco rushed Colin Creevey who sprinted off down the hallway. Malfoy's pants ripped even further, as he chased Colin down the hallway in his boxer shorts.
Luna played the theme from "The Benny Hill Show" on her kazoo once again, as Draco chased Colin through the hallways of Hogwarts.
Wade whistled nonchalantly.
"Well, that escalated quickly," Wade said.
"Man, that shit be tripping, dawg," Ron said. She looked up at Hermione. "Mmm, Hermy Mione, what's happening, big pimpin'?"
"I have to head to the bathroom to wash it off," Hermione said. "And then I have to go to the library."
She completely ignored Ron's antics. Ron made a series of facial expressions.
"Man, did you check out the booty on her?" Ron asked.
"Legally speaking, I can't because she's fourteen," Wade said.
"Ah, the Po-Po be busting our nuts all of the time," Ron sagely said.
X-X-X
A few days later, Snape, Wade Wilson, and Argus Filch had been invited to Albus Dumbledore's office. Well, invited would mean that they would have a chance to decline, but Dumbledore was insistant that they showed up.
Filch was still in a bad mood, even after having a few months to cool his heals.
"Those damn goblins," Argus said. "Why didn't you nab them?"
"You were right there," Wade said.
"I'm a squib!" Argus yelled. "Which means I can't perform magic."
"Well, neither can I!" Wade yelled. "Unless it's the magic of friendship!"
"Which is the greatest magic of them all, Mr. Wilson."
For a second Wade thought about throwing up in his mouth, but he just embraced it. It was the best way to survive the madness of the magical world. Dumbledore turned up, and he had been joined by Remus Lupin, and a grim looking black dog.
"Well, gentlemen, I'll be blunt," Dumbledore said. "We have only one final trump card to pull that might entice the goblins to come here so we can right the wrongs. But it's a risk."
"And what is that, Dumbledore?" Snape asked.
He pulled out the Hogwarts Sorting Hat and pulled out the Sword of Godric Gryffindor for them.
'Oh, that's right, Harry never made it to the Chamber of Secrets, and thus he never pulled the sword from the hat,' Deadpool thought.
'Thanks Captain Exposition.'
'To be fair, it's been over a year if you've been reading this story in real time.'
'And after that, Harry stopped showing outside of an odd cameo.'
'To be fair, he's above this clown show.'
"The Sword of Godric Gryffindor was won in battle with Godric's battle with Ragnok the First," Dumbledore explained. "The goblins have hated the fact that the sword has been in the possession of Hogwarts for the past thousand years."
"And they would not be able to get the sorting hat out of the sword," Snape said.
"Correct," Dumbledore said. "It's ingenius how only a true Gryffindor can pull it out of the hat, but only when the school is in need. And everything, and everyone that we know and love is in need."
"But, the goblin's song is hypnotizing," Remus said. "How, are we supposed to counteract it?"
"We're just going to need a song more shrill and more high-pitched that the goblins to counteract their spell," Dumbledore said.
As if in cue, the form of Sirius Black appeared at the office. Instantly, Snape whipped out his wand and almost shoved it into Sirius's face.
'And the shippers go mild,' Wade thought.
"Sirius Black!" Snape yelled. "You do realize he's wanted by the Ministry still…."
"Pettigrew committed the crimes, and Sirius has agreed to assist us, in exchange for the charge of escaping prison and attempted murder being dropped," Dumbledore said.
"To be fair, attempted murder is such a bullshit charge," Sirius said.
"Really does seem like the participation trophy of crime, yes," Dumbledore agreed.
"Attempted murder?" Wade asked. "Honestly, do they give out the Nobel Peace Prize for attempted Chemistry?"
'And thus proving there's a Simpsons quote for everything.'
"Sirius might be the weapon that we need," Remus offered. "Because, I've heard him sing in the showers."
"Seperate showers," Sirius interjected.
"The Internet believes different," Wade said.
"What's an Internet?" Sirius asked curiously.
"Trust me, you're better off not knowing," Wade said. "All kinds of weirdos. Some of them write fan fiction about fictional characters. Bunch of loons they are. There's this one guy who is obsessed with Supergirl that…."
Snape tutted loudly and Wade fell back into line.
"Now's not the time," Wade said. "Now's not the time."
"So, what makes you think this plan is going to work this time when it didn't work the last time?" Filch asked.
"Because, I'll be leading you personally," Dumbledore said. "The school holidays are not, which means it's the best time to bait a trap. Between Sirius's singing, Wade's wit, and my diplomatic skills, we can't lose."
The entire group peered at the Headmaster who broke into a smile.
"What could possibly go wrong?" Dumbledore asked.
"Oh, damn it, Albus, are you serious?" Wade asked.
"No, Sirius is over there," Dumbledore said.
"Meh, I got bored of that one in my second year," Sirius said.
"The last time you said that, nearly ten years ago in Aspirations, you ended up getting knocked off of a cliff to your death," Wade said.
"I would think that I would remember dying," Dumbledore said. "Granted, there was this one time that I went to a nude beach where…."
Snape cleared his throat.
"Now's not the time, now's not the time," Dumbledore said.
"Yes, shall we leave?" Remus asked.
"Worried about running into that time of the month?" Sirius asked.
'You know, I'm pretty sure that Remus would get more popular as a teacher if he came out as a werewolf,' Deadpool commented. 'You know, amongst the furies.'
"I think we'll be fine," Dumbledore said. "We have a plane, we have the perfect bait. What could possibly go wrong?"
Wade wanted to face knife right about now. The group moved out, just stopping long enough for Draco to chase Colin Creevey down the hallway past them.
Once the coast was cleared, they moved to take two of trying to bait the signing goblins lead by Captain...well Deadpool still couldn't remember his name.
"Wait, we have a plane?" Deadpool asked.
"I said we had a plan, Mr. Wilson," Dumbledore said.
"No, you clearly said plane," Deadpool said.
"No, I'm pretty sure I said plan," Dumbledore said.
"No clearly…."
"Let's get this over with," Snape said.
"That's what she said!" Filch interjected with a huge belly laugh.
No one laughed, rather they kept moving to adventure, this time for real.