'Wow, this year has been pretty quiet all things considered.'
Wade Wilson, Deadpool, everyone knew and loved him by now, had went along the halls of Hogwarts, doing his many duties. Most of them had been busting dust-bunnies at Hogwarts. And a particular nasty horde had been taking over the fourth floor right about now. Guess, dust bunnies were an approriate term, because they sure seemed to be breeding like rabbits.
'First year had the guy with Voldemort on the back of his head. Second year had the Voodoo Hillbillies. The third year had wacky singing goblins who stole everything. And this year...well nothing.'
Another one of the multitude of voices in Deadpool's head piped up. 'Not unless you count the crazy old man. He keeps yelling about some woman named Constance or something.'
Wade whistled until he ran smack dab into Argus Filch. Who, in the ultimate of shocks, had been in a bad mood.
"You know what today is, don't you?" Filch asked. Before Wade could answer, Filch jumped in for the response. "It's the day those dirty rotten students from the Triwizard Tournament comes to this school. Making me three times the mess and three times the work to do."
Wade placed a hand on Filch's shoulder, at least until Filch withdrew it like poison. "Don't worry, Captain. Your good old deputy Deadpool would arrive."
Filch just did not say anything. Today had been a bad day, given how Peeves dumped a tub full of, well Filch was not quite sure what it was, right over the suits of armor. He had been in a rare mood this year, for some reason.
Wade turned around and wielded his broom. The one you cleaned with, not the one that you flew with.
'So the Triwizard Tournament is going to be good. With only three competitions, not four competitions. Because having four competitions would mean it was not a triwizard tournament. And that would be silly, having four competitions in a triwizard tournament.'
X-X-X
Somewhere, Harry Potter sneezed.
X-X-X
Wade continued his cleaning and came across Luna Lovegood, who had a posse of girls. Luna looked pretty pleased with herself for some reasons. One of the girls laid her jacket across the dirty ground and allowed Luna to walk across.
"Luna, what's going on here?" Wade asked.
"Oh, I'm just hanging out with my new friends," Luna said. "Isn't that right girls?"
"Yes, Lady Luna is one the bestest, most prettiest, and most awesome girls in all of Hogwarts," the former leader of the bitch bully posse said in a sing song voice. "She is utterly pure and her smile just brings so many amazing things to the world, and she's not a creepy little girl. She talks about magical creatures that so totally exist, isn't it right?"
The girls all nodded in response.
"Well, I guess everyone can change with the right kind of motivation," Wade said.
Something in peculiar happened, although Wade could not quite put his finger on what it was. Perhaps in time he would figure it out.
"Unfortunately, I have to go to detention tonight," Luna said.
"Wait, detention, you?" Wade asked.
Luna shrugged. "Yes, Professor Snape, was being completely mean and cruel and I decided to tell him how not nice he was. He didn't like it. He also didn't like the fact that I hexed some Slytherin who talked about how my mother was very easy, and caused devil horns to sprout out of the back of his head. But, Rebecca was right, the only way people respect you is if you give them a good firm hand. I guess Daddy didn't know what he was talking about, when he told me to turn the other cheek."
"But, you got detention out of it?" Wade asked.
"Okay….I'll find a way to make Snape see the light," Luna said.
Wade wondered what was going on. Luna's former tormentors escorted her new queen across the hallway.
X-X-X
The night of Halloween fast approached and Wade walked out, to do some last minute cleaning. Snape arrive, scratching himself.
"What happened to you?" Wade asked.
Snape blinked a few seconds later, as Dumbledore slid behind them.
"Luna Lovegood, I believe she ended up dousing me with some kind of itching powder," Snape said.
Dumbledore's mouth hung open and he looked completely aghast. "Luna Lovegood. But that's impossible. She's such a sweet little girl. She would never do anything against a teacher."
Snape gave Dumbledore the side eye. "Something is off with her. Even more so than usual. And now...I can't keep scratching myself."
"Severus, please, take care of that in private," Dumbledore reprimanded him. "Not in front of the children."
Wade just whistled. Luna had been sitting at the edge of the Ravenclaw table, where some girl, Edgecombe Wade thought her name was, had been allowing Luna to use her head as a footrest. Several of the other girls fed Luna grapes and other food. Wade just pondered, pondered deep and hard, wondering what the hell was going on.
'Curious and curiouser.'
The arrival of the students from the two competing schools would be arriving soon, and the Triwizard Tournament would begin.
"I hope there isn't any difficulties with the Goblet of Fire," McGonagall told Dumbledore.
"It would take an act of Merlin with an assist from Morgana to breach the security."
Wade chuckled underneath his breath. "Oh, my sweet summer child."
He could just feel something off was going to happen. Maybe nothing absurd like four champions competing in a Triwizard Tournament, but something would happen, somewhere, sometime.
And Harry Potter sneezed once again at the Gryffindor table.
X-X-X
The delegation of the other two schools arrived. Karkaroff seemed like he should be tying someone to a set of train tracks on a Saturday afternoon movie serial. Just everything about him screamed tacky supervillain.
As for Maxime well she seemed pretty aloof, and also towered over pretty much everyone, other than Hagrid. Who was giving her the bedroom eyes. Something that Wade did not want to think of.
And speaking of Hagrid, Wade wondered about his newest creation. Blast-Edged Skrewts. He had been at Hagrid's hut, and decided to get him to spill the beans, with the help of Deadpool's good friend, Jack. Daniels that was.
For such a large man, Hagrid could get drunk easily.
'Andre the Giant is rolling over in his grave with how easily you get drunk.'
With that said, Hagrid wobbled a little bit, hanging onto the table.
"So, how did they do it?" Wade asked.
"Well, me parents?" Hagrid asked. "Ya see, Wade, when a man and a woman love each other very much, they have certain feelings that have to be enacted on when they are from two different worlds….and they just have to give into the steamy fashion they feel…."
"No, not your parents, the Skrewts...how did you...how did they do it?" Wade asked.
Hagrid just chuckled in spite himself. "Oh, that...well you see, that's very simple. I got meself a Manticore and mated it with a Firecrab."
"Firecrab?" Wade asked. "You mean those things that shoot fire out of...well at you!"
"Yes, those things...nasty little buggers they are, especially when you feed them that Taco Bell," Hagrid said with a chuckle. "But, the thing is...you just got them in the right mood...and when it's mating session, those Manticores...you isolate them enough...and they'll jump anything, with the right motivation….they would try and hump a dragon if you catch my drift."
Deadpool could only imagine. He tried to image the mechanics.
"But, that's the beauty of nature, seeing new species being created. Seeing the magic of life...and the Skrewts...they're some real beauties aren't they?"
Wade downed the rest of the bottle. "Oh, yes Gorgeous."
"But, she's the real beauty," Hagrid said. "I would never think that in a million years I would ever meet anyone like her...but I suppose that I've got a real chance...do you think that I have a chance?"
"So, what are we talking about here?" Wade asked.
"Oh, you know, Maxime," Hagrid said. "She has to be...she's French...but I wonder if it's on her mother's side or her father's...suspect that it would be impolite to ask without getting to know her."
Hagrid slurred his speech, but somehow he sounded more coherent than when sober.
"Wink, wink, nudge, nudge, know what I mean, say no more, eh, Wade?"
Deadpool just nodded in response. He checked his way.
"It's time to get up to the school," Deadpool said. "Sure, you can make it, big guy?"
Hagrid just gave his loud booming laugh in response. "Please, I can still see straight."
X-X-X
"The candidates have all been placed within the Goblet of Fire and now the Triwizard Tournament will commence...give the Goblet of Fire just one moment to process."
Harry sat at the Gryffindor Table and sighed.
"My Horoscope said that I would be entered in a magical tournament against my will," Harry said.
Parvati and Lavender both gasped, being the type of people who would believe such a bit of fortunetelling. Neville just frowned and Hermione scoffed.
"That seems oddly specific," Neville remarked.
"You can't believe such rubbish," Hermione said.
Harry just turned away from that weird girl that he barely knew, but yet liked to give her opinion. Off to the side, Harry caught Susan's eye at the Hufflepuff Table. Cedric Diggory looked to be the favorite to enter the tournament, although thought, he was glittering, thanks to a prank from the Weasley twins gone wrong.
"And now, the first champion, from Durmstrang….Viktor Krum!"
Much like a bear shitting in the woods, people could see that coming a mile away. The hero of the Quidditch World Cup and Durmstrang senior student, Viktor Krum made his way up to the podium.
"Well, Snidely seems pleased," Wade said.
Snape, because he knew the reference and knew Karkaroff, chuckled for a brief second. And stopped because it would be unwise to encourage Wilson's bullshit.
"The Champion from Beauxbatons is Fleur Delacour."
The stunningly hot and extremely beautiful Fleur Delacour walked down to the Entrance Hall like a model walking down the runway. And several of men and many of the women could not keep their eyes to themselves.
"If I wasn't a member of staff and it would be an ethical breach…" Wade casually commented.
"And the Hogwarts Champion is…..Rebecca Black?"
Everyone seemed stun, as this odd, eccentric Ravenclaw first year became the most qualified champion out of Hogwarts. How she got her name into the Goblet of Fire, it was unknown right at this moment. What was known was that Rebecca walked up to the Entrance Hall, and barely anyone could see the smile on her face.
Dumbledore recovered quickly. Maxime and Karkaroff looked very amused that the most qualified Hogwarts champion seemed to be some first year. The tournament, as they say was in the bag.
"And now we have to…."
The Goblet of Fire started sputtering once again. Harry just looked at Hermione, with a smug little smile.
"That doesn't mean anything, you wanker," Hermione murmured.
A piece of paper shot out and hit Dumbledore on the hand.
"Harry….Potter."
Harry just broke out into laughter and Parvati and Lavender both gasped.
"See, the Horoscope was right!" Parvati yelled.
Harry just shrugged his shoulders and walked up to the Entrance Hall.
Dumbledore, Snape, McGonagall, Moody, and Wade all followed. The entire Great Hall erupted into Chaos.
'And that's a good spot to leave it hanging.'