A somber mood filled Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Several members of staff, gathered around, some of them not in a fit state. For Hagrid and Trelawney, it was drink-o-clock, as they had kicked back a few in memory of Wade Wilson. McGonagall, Flitwick, Sprout, Vector, Sinistra, and the rest all gathered around, paying their somber respects. Most certainly, Wade Wilson, had been someone who had touched all of their lives. While he was eccentric, he had made Hogwarts a bit more colorful.
At the edge of the casket, Dumbledore leaned down at Deadpool's body. A young man, cut down in the prime of his life. Snape and Filch huddled nearby, tears in their eyes, and sniffling.
"Headmaster...do you think it was really necessary to bring all of Wilson's rubbish out for his funeral?" Snape sobbed.
"Severus, I never thought that you would be so moved!"
"It's not that...it's just those onions that he kept in his office for some reason, they're very strong," Snape said.
Dumbledore looked over to see the ever present bowl of onions. Dobby appeared in a blink of an eye.
"Dobby will get rid of them," Dobby said before breaking out into sobs. "Oh, why did Wadeypool have to die?"
Dobby disappeared, and Filch and Snape, now that the offended onions are out of the way.
"So, now I have to do this entire castle myself again," Filch said. "Typical….so useless at his job, he would have to go and get himself killed…"
"Oh, Filch, this was murder, and you know it…."
Mad-Eye Moody popped out of nowhere, to cause all of the teachers to scatter.
"And it was that Black girl," Moody said. "And you didn't take my warnings seriously, and now your co-janitor is dead…."
"Hogwarts Deputy Head of Magical Sanitation," Filch corrected bitterly. "It's what...he would have wanted...damn dust in in eye!"
Filch wiped away something that resembled a tear.
"I agree with Moody, but the Ministry won't do anything," Snape said. "They seem to think Wilson is not important enough. They didn't like the fact you gave him a job as well…."
"But, now we have a serious problem."
A black man wearing an eye patch showed up so suddenly, that not even Moody saw him coming. Dumbledore cocked his head, in surprise at the man.
"My name is Nick Fury, and I want to know why Wade Wilson had been killed...and why he has not come back to life?" Fury asked. "Because...during an encounter with the madman known as Thanos, he had been cursed with eternal life. That way, Thanos could court Death, without any problems or interference.
"I don't know how you entered Hogwarts, but I'm sure, that we can escort you out," McGonagall said. "Come now…."
Dumbledore straightened up. "Wait...did you say Nick Fury...you were one of his references."
"Yes, and I'm telling you, that something went wrong that caused him to die," Fury said. "I'm here to bring the killer to justice and put them in prison where they can't hard anyone ever again."
"It would have to be the killing curse," Moody gruffly responded. "It's the only thing that's almost foolproof. Granted, the Potter boy survived it, but we're not certain how that happened."
"The Power of Love," Dumbledore said.
Honestly, Snape wondered how he did not get an eating disorder by all of the times Dumbledore's attitude wanted him to induce vomit.
"I don't know what Huey Lewis and the News has to do with this investigation, but we will get to the bottom of this," Fury said. "And if your Ministry does not want to help, then SHIELD will conduct it's own investigation on Hogwarts. Because, I've read your charter. The Ministry, despite pretending otherwise, is a branch of the formal government of the United Kingdom, although off the books. And it answers to the UN, so SHIELD has jurisdiction in this matter."
Fury snapped his fingers and several helicopters appeared over Hogwarts. A hoard of government agents landed down onto the ground and swarmed Hogwarts.
"Headmaster, what are we going to do about this?" McGonagall asked.
"We are going to let these fine gentlemen and ladies conduct their investigation," Dumbledore said.
"Wait, you're not going to be interfering and invasive?" Snape asked.
"Bitch, please, I'm too old for that shit!" Dumbledore snapped.
"He must have a headache," Flitwick murmured. "He always curses when he has a headache."
X-X-X
Rebecca Black, Lord Voldemort, had been angered beyond belief. What was the point of putting together an elaborate plot of framing someone for murder, when the Ministry was so inept in performing their own investigation? Or lazy, so lazy, they would pass of the death as an accident.
It would make Voldemort's ascent easier, given the Ministry could not be bothered to do their job, or at least Fudge couldn't, at the best of times. But, it was damn frustrating that he could not properly frame someone from murder.
Hermione and Luna walked down the hallway, still tethered together by the wrists.
"Those SHIELD agents are everywhere," Hermione said. "They're watching us...I hope that they leave soon...I can't study for O W Ls without that distraction."
"You have an entire year and a half," Luna said dismissively. "You should learn to relax, otherwise you will burn out your brain. The wrackspurts are strong within you, making you hazy."
Hermione tried to make a dash for the library, and she had been denied by Luna.
"That Black Widow woman spent a lot of time interrogating Harry Potter," Luna said casually. "Both Harry and his girlfriend...and she came out of the room, walking a little bit funny...and then she said that she would be back, and she came back with more SHIELD agents...I think their names were Mockingbird and Quake...but...I wonder what they're talking about."
"Isn't it obvious?" Hermione asked.
"Well, obviously not, if it's classified information," Luna said. "Must have something to do with how Harry's scar is secretly a map to a magical pit of mystical waters which can heal the sick and raise the dead."
"Seriously, Luna, that's a fairy tale," Hermione said. "If there's a pit of mystical waters which can resurrect the dead, I will run down the Hogwarts hall, buck naked, wearing the Sorting Hat."
"Technically if you were wearing the sorting hat, wouldn't you have clothes on?"
"Hats aren't clothes."
"Oh, yes they are!" Luna cried out. "I don't like the fact you are demeaning hats, by making them less than clothes. Hats matter too, you know!"
"Seriously, they shouldn't be doing that with Harry, he's only fourteen," Hermione said. "That's rape."
"You can't rape the willing," Luna said.
"Well, Harry's underage…."
"When they allowed him to enter the tournament, he became of age," Luna said. "Not that it matters in the Magical World. Because in our world, to use a Muggle phrase, when there's grass on the field, it's time to play ball."
"Well, that's not right!" Hermione yelled.
"And that's the same thing the Americans said to the Native People before they colonized them, took their land, and forced them into reservations," Luna said.
"That's nothing like what I'm…"
"Well, if it isn't the Mudblood and her Looney girlfriend?"
Draco Malfoy appeared, along with Crabbe, Goyle, Pansy, and Blaise Zabini.
"Are you two going for consoling for Mr. Wilson...oh that's right, he's dead!" Pansy cackled.
Luna rolled her eyes. Mocking the dead, if Pansy would have gone any lower, she would be mulch.
"Seriously, you two should join him," Pansy said.
"Yes, and the two of you, you think that just because you're cozy with a Triwizard Champion, you can just walk through these halls with pride," Draco said. "Well, that's about to change...because there will be a day when people like Black, they're on their knees, before a Malfoy, where they belong."
Rebecca appeared in front of Draco as he was saying this.
"You think highly of yourself, given that your father groveled before the Dark Lord," Rebecca said.
"My father was under the Imperius Curse, you can't prove anything."
"Yes, the times your father, kissed the Dark Lord's robes, I bet it runs in the family," Rebecca said. "Because, the only thing that the Malfoys are worth, is the gold in their vaults, that they got by undercutting others. Without that gold, you're nothing."
"You, the Mudblood, and this mental case will pay," Malfoy said.
"Come on, Draco, you don't need to use that language," Luna said. "Just because you have a fetish for getting pegged by Muggleborns…."
"What?" Pansy asked.
"And you get hard every night, thinking about Hermione tying you down, and her being your Mistress," Luna said.
"What?" Hermione asked, revolted at such a thought.
Draco Malfoy was not even that attractive. He marched through the hallways.
"The fact is, you and your Junior Nazis can march across Hogwarts all you want, bringing people down, but it's just a cry for help, you want to be put in your place by someone stronger and powerful…."
"Junior Nazis?" Draco asked.
"She just compared you to Hitler," Hermione said.
This comparison greater triggered Draco Malfoy.
"WHAT? HOW DARE YOU...How dare you compare me to that man? I am nothing like him, nothing like him at all. You have some nerve comparing me to a filthy, dirty, disgusting man like that. I mean, he was a Muggle! That makes him awful!"
"And he couldn't draw," Zabini said.
"Yes, worse than Dumbledore!" Malfoy snapped. "I know when I've been insulted! My father will be hearing about this, you dare ever compare me to a Muggle again! What's Hitler done to be worthy of being compared to a noble and superior pureblood such as me, Draco Malfoy?"
Zabini, Pansy, Crabbe, Goyle, and Draco all walked off into the distance, with Malfoy still fuming about being compared to that man. Zabini opened the door.
"HALT, VILE ONE!"
The White Knight swooped down, almost tripping over his cape.
"What you've done was problematic!" The White Knight howled. "A reinforcement of old stereotypes, and you did it...you made this young man….
The White Knight pointed to Blaise Zabini.
"Open a door!" The White Knight said.
"Because, I was there…."
The White Knight talked over Zabini. "You see, because you are a white man, and he is a black man...and you forced him to open a door."
"I had no problems with opening a door, because I was there…."
"White allies need to rise up, to stop the oppression of the black man, from vile nasty racists such as yourself!" The White Knight howled.
"Look, I never really noticed that Zabini was black," Draco said. "Because, I don't look at the color of people's skin."
Draco Malfoy prided himself as being a tolerant young man. He did not judge people by the color of their skin, but rather the purity of their blood and the quantity of their gold. Muggles were vile beasts, who still committed sickening acts of racism everyday. To discriminate against an entire group of people based on their skin.
"So, you want to erase people's blackness?" The White Knight asked. "You want to eliminate an entire culture of African-Americans…"
"Look, I'm not American, and I don't know anyone from Africa," Blaise said. "You can call me black, it's fine…."
"No, it's not fine, calling someone Black, it's racist," The White Knight said. "They must be called African-Americans...they don't know all of the ways that the white man is trying to oppress them, to erase them, to bring them back to the days where they worked the cotton fields...and…."
"You don't let me speak for myself," Blaise said. "Maybe because you're looking at the color of my skin and thinking that I can't speak for myself because I'm black."
"You don't know what you're talking about," The White Knight said. "First it's opening a door, then it's carrying someone's bags. And then it's being whipped like a dog…."
"So, you think black people are nothing but dogs?" Blaise asked.
"Yeah, and he's the same person who called me fat!" Pansy howled. "And he called me ugly too. I'm not ugly or fat...AND I'M NOT LOUD EITHER!"
She shrieked at the top of her lungs.
"Obviously, he did not learn his lesson the last time," Draco said. "Crabbe and Goyle…."
Crabbe and Goyle dragged the White Knight into a secluded corridor, to lay the smackdown on his candy ass. If there was one thing that Draco Malfoy would not tolerate, it was a racist, sexist, individual like the White Knight.
"I'll get the door this time," Draco said. "This school is full of ingrates."
The sounds of beating echoed as Pansy, Draco, and Zabini all left.
X-X-X
Wade Wilson had been resigned to his death, and things had gotten rather peaceful. He did want to know who murdered him, but after wandering purgatory for several weeks, it seemed, Wade did not have any answers.
"It's time."
At the end of a field, Wade gazed up to see Death herself. Standing across an endless meadow of flowers. "Happy Together" by the Turtles started to play, as Wade and Death moved closer, about ready to join each other.
They crossed the field, over the next five minutes, with the music looping over and over again. Wade was almost there, almost ready to join Death, in the afterlife, so they can be together forever. They took an obscenely long amount of time to cross the field.
'Well, guess this is the end of the story. And I get my happy ending, thanks for reading.'
X-X-X
A wild Thanos appeared.
Thanos used snap to cock block.
It is very effective.
X-X-X
Just seconds away away from kissing, Wade felt something.
"What is it beloved?" Death asked.
"I don't feel so good," Wade said.
He could feel his body flickering, and that very familiar feeling of being pulled back from the edge of death, back into life. Wade faded, away from the loving embrace of Death and back into the cold hard reality of life.
X-X-X
Buried, and starting to decompose, Wade Wilson woke up, inside of a casket. He could barely breathe. The jolt back to life caused the decomposition to reverse itself, even though the stench of his rotting corpse almost overwhelmed him.
Wade pounded on the casket, in an attempt to break free. He was alive, although buried alive, thanks to the fact that Wade was technically dead when they buried him.
Oh boy, Wade Wilson was in a pickle now, and this was not Kosher at all.