Wade Wilson appeared around a mist. He was doing some cleaning at Hogwarts, and the next thing he knew, he woke up, in the middle of a great hallway.
"Come on, Wade, let's get going."
"Stan Lee?" Wade asked. "Wait, you're still making cameos after you've died?"
"Yes, Wade, do you think a little thing such as my death would stop me from showing up in everything related to Marvel?" Stan asked with a good natured smile. "Come on, we have a journey to make."
"How did I die this time?" Wade asked.
"I don't really know, Wade," Stan replied. "But, I think that for you to fully be at peace, this time you will have to find out."
Stan and Wade made his down a corridor. They stopped, as Wolverine in the doorway.
"Hey, Logan, that time of the month again?" Wade asked.
"Yeah," Logan said. "See you around, bub."
Stan and Wade walked down the corridor, where they were in a meeting room. They came across Christopher Reeve and Adam West, playing chess, quite the interesting sight to come across in the afterlife.
"Oh, bad luck, old chum," Adam West said. "Looks like I win again."
"You always win," Christopher Reeve replied. "Makes me think you think that you really are Batman."
"Hello gentlemen," Stan said to them.
"I have to say, I never expected to see you here, Stan," Christopher replied. "I always thought that you would live forever."
"Well, that's what they said about Dick Clark, but that didn't work out well for him," Stan said with a shrug. "But, regardless, I'm here, and I have an old friend of mine...Wade Wilson, he has been killed, in a murderous mystery at Hogwarts."
"Well, murder, ever so fiendish," Adam said. "Surely, the criminal element always does stoop so low, but...alas, I do not have any deduction on who would have caused such a crime."
"But, surely, you must have an idea," Wade said.
"There is only one man in this afterlife who could solve a mystery," Adam said. "Chris, Stan, are you ready?"
"Yes, let's do this," Christopher Reeve said pumping his fist up into the air.
The quartet walked, and boy did Christopher think it was swell to be able to do that again upon dying, to a certain point. They passed some familiar faces as they walked further along the path. The further they walked, some familiar, and yet eerie music kicked up.
Wade recognized it as the music of the old Unsolved Mysteries television show, in all of it's creepy glory.
'I really hope Cosgrove and Meyer doesn't take this story down for copyright,' a worried Wade Wilson thought.
"December 25th, 1994, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. A Yule Ball ends in tragedy. When beloved, Hogwarts Deputy Caretaker of Magical Sanitation and Guidance Counselor, Wade Wilson, was found, dead at the front of the stage. While the Ministry of Magic thinks it was an accident…."
'You don't say.'
"Many at Hogwarts believe it was murder."
Wade came across the man himself, Robert Stack, in all of his Trenchcoated glory. The host of the Unsolved Mysteries television show, the only host which any proper Unsolved Mysteries fanatic acknowledge. And also, the man who famously played Eliot Ness, on the Untouchables television series.
"Upon his death, Stack has helped many people solve their own unsolved murders," Stan explained. "Pretty badass, I would have to say."
'Yeah, I wonder if he can get us Bigfoot's autograph,' Wade thought.
'Quick question, technically since we died in 1994, and none of those people should be dead...well maybe Wolverine...should we really have been meeting them in the afterlife.'
'We time traveled just as we died, okay! Shit, quit ruining this story with your logic!'
"Hogwarts was a mysterious place to many, a boarding school where a group of witches and wizards practiced witchcraft and wizardry. Many believed that this world of magic and wonder, was a hub of Satanic activity."
Well, Wade should have expected this one coming. If there was one thing Unsolved Mysteries was known for, other than Bigfoot, UFOs, and making people paranoid as fuck about these dangerous people out there that could kill them, it was that Satanic panic angle.
"Those within Hogwarts deny these claims, but why would a beloved, if not eccentric member of their staff be murdered on the grounds? Eyewitnesses saw Wade Wilson, leaving the Great Hall for Hogwarts Yule Ball, and moving up the steps, to attend to a disturbance. And twenty minutes later, a group of students found out Wade Wilson was dead."
"I don't know what happened!" one of them yelled. "He was just dead...and no one knows who did it."
"But, upon an extensive, early morning investigation from the Ministry of Magic, they ruled Wade Wilson's death to be a tragic accident, and not suicide."
Dolores Umbridge's face appeared in the mist, giving an official statement.
"We express our sympathies for Wade Wilson's death," Dolores said. "But...we must face facts. His accident his proof that a non-magical such as Wade Wilson should not be allowed at Hogwarts. And the fact the Ministry has been too loosen on allowing Albus Dumbledore and his many eccentries to run amuck."
'Well, she's not wrong. Dumbledore is kind of off.'
'Yeah, but it feels so wrong to agree with Dolores Umbridge on anything.'
"Noted former Ministry Auror, Alastor "Mad-Eye" Moody, disagrees," Stack narrated.
"The Ministry refuses to look at the obvious facts that Wilson was murdered!" Moody growled. "If you ask me, the minute this Rebecca Black girl came into Hogwarts, she has been up to something. And that something ended up on the murder of Filch's assistant. Of course, he should have seen it common and exercised CONSTANT VIGILANCE!"
"Just who is Rebecca Black?" Stack asked. "She is in fact a new transfer into Hogwarts, who had managed to circumvent the security around the Goblet of Fire and enter the Triwizard Tournament, a competition of four champions among three schools which is occuring at Hogwarts his year."
Rebecca's face appeared on the screen.
"Rebecca has befriended Luna Lovegood, a Ravenclaw third year," Stack said. "But, why, to what ends? Evidence states that Rebecca tampered with the Goblet of Fire. Perhaps Wade Wilson came across evidence of further crimes at Hogwarts, and was killed because of it."
"Actually, I didn't!" Wade interjected.
"But, there are other theories, conspiracies which run deep within Hogwarts, which have to do with their Headmaster, Albus Dumbledore."
Oh, Wade had listened to that statement.
"Some believe that over the past several years, Albus Dumbledore has taken out lavish life insurance policies on all of his teachers at Hogwarts, in an attempt to supplement his lifestyle with added income," Stack said. "Some have even go so far to state that Albus Dumbledore, made up the Curse on the Defense Against the Dark Arts position at Hogwarts."
A woman, who was so not Rita Skeeter, appeared in shadow, complete with voice distortion.
"Well, Dumbledore is guilty of something. Rumors had it, he squandered his fortune completely on lemon drops, goblin escorts, and My Precious Unicorn plush dolls. With Moody being too paranoid to die, he had to kill someone, and Wilson was the scapegoat."
"When confronted by the rumors, Albus Dumbledore had this to say."
"I feel that Wade Wilson's death was an isolated incident and I can assure you that I always do all I can to protect the students at Hogwarts, along with the staff, and I always have their best interests in mind," Dumbledore said.
"But, there is yet another more sinister explanation involved," Stack continued. "There have been reports of a mysterious figure, known only as the White Knight."
"He's been stalking us, terrorizing us women for months," Pansy Parkinson said, sobbing. "And now, Dumbledore won't do anything about that monster….he keeps him in Hogwarts. And he might have killed Mr. Wilson, yes I think that he did. Because, Mr. Wilson...might have seen him trying to pick up a first year...because he can't get with a real woman."
"Who is the White Knight?" Stack asked. "Many eyewitness accounts place this White Knight, on the night of the murder, in the same corridor as Wade Wilson. Therefore, did he commit this crime?"
"Maybe?" Wade asked. "Although, he doesn't strike me as a murdering type. More like the bumbling crusader type really."
"Someone has something to hide," Stack concluded. "Our suspects, whether it be the White Knight, Rebecca Black, or Albus Dumbledore, must all be looked at seriously, But, yet, the Ministry of Magic refuses to treat this matter as anything other than a tragic accident. But, Alastor Moody has never been one to go along with the Ministry's official word."
"I'm going to hunt down the person who did this and make them confess," Moody growled. "And she knows she did it...and I'm going to expose her for the entire world."
"It's the White Knight," another person, who was so not Draco Malfoy in in silhouette.
"But, everyone has their own theories, there has been very little evidence to go on," Stack said. "And until the smoking wand can be found, no one knows who killed Wade Wilson. Was it a case of him being at the wrong place at the wrong time? Some elaborate insurance fraud? Or perhaps….just perhaps...an unknown enemy."
Stack took in a deep breath.
"If you have any information on this case, dial our toll free number, 1800-876-5353."
Wade hoped that someone would solve his murder. He had been hit from behind.
"Coming up next, the Berenstain Bears was one of the most beloved children's books of all time. But, yet, many remember it as the Berenstein Bears. We take a look at this strange phenomenon of false memories, where people recall one thing. Is it possible there has been a shift in the time stream, where people from two different timelines exist on the same plane? And could a speedster known as Barry Allen be responsible for these strange cosmic changes?"
"Well, hopefully someone comes through on that one," Wade said. "And I swear Barry, if you tampered with people's childhoods!"
If Barry Allen screwed up the timeline and changed the Berenstein Bears to the Berenstain Bears, he would be the fastest man alive with a wedgie.
"Good friends, we need some music to break the mood," Stan said.
"Yes, music," Adam said. "Bat music!"
The very familiar music started playing, for the Batman television show. Wade joined Stan and Adam in a Batusi dance as we fade to black.