The first task of the Triwizard Tournament passed with a whisper, with a flicker, and people talked about it for days. Mostly Fleur's wardrobe malfunction. Colin Creevey's ever present camera catching the entire moment on film made him one of the most popular students of Hogwarts and one of the richest, if he played his cards right.
They also talked about amazing bit of magic Harry Potter pulled. No one could figure it out, not even the teachers. When Harry had been asked, he calmly stated that a Magician never revealed his secrets. And with that in mind, Harry moved on from their life.
'If they only knew,' Deadpool thought.
The truth was that no one could even know. Of course, when Deadpool thought about the second task coming up, he wondered how that was going to play out. Having the students of Hogwarts go out to watch a task they could not even see in the dead of winter time, while the students dove into the lake.
'I wonder if there is warming spells,' Wade thought. 'There are warming spells right?'
'I don't know, I'm not the one who pulls shit out of my ass in this world,' the voice inside of his head said.
'Would that be something if someone literally pulled shit out of their ass?' the voice in Deadpool's head stated. 'It would be a real showstopper at parties, wouldn't it?'
'It's literally someone's fetish,' Deadpool thought. 'Not that we would be one to kink shame.'
Deadpool headed off to the kitchens because he had a craving for something to eat, and he had missed dinner, on the account of Peeves trapping him in one of the larger vases.
"Wadeypool came down to the kitchen to visit Dobby?"
Sure enough, everyone's favorite excited house elf bounced in, wearing a mismatch of different clothes. Namely a tye-dye shirt, slippers, and a pair of booty shoots, along with a top hat with a feather on it. And those socks, those socks, with the wildest, most mistmatched colors possible.
"Hey, Dobby," Wade said. "You working at Hogwarts?"
"Yes, sir, Harry Potter, sir gave Dobby a reference, on the account that Dobby never tries to save his life again, without his consent," Dobby said with a cheeky grin. "And Professor Dumbledore agreed to hire Dobby and give Dobby wages."
The house elves all gasped if Dobby had said a racial slur. One House elf in particular, dressed in a blue dress which had been slightly burned, gave Dobby the crossed look possible.
"Wasn't that Crouch's house elf?" Deadpool asked.
"Yes, sir, Mr. Crouch, he fired Winky and she left in disgrace," Dobby said. "Dobby hoped to get her a job at Hogwarts, along with Dobby's other new friend."
"Your other new friend?"
"Hello, sir, what could Jahndo be doing for you sir?"
Deadpool's eyes widened, as he came face to face with not a house elf, but a goblin. And not just any goblin, the singing scourge which plundered the magical world last year and robbed the people of their booty. The fiercest dread pirate...Deadpool checked the note he left scrawled on his hand, Captain Griphook.
He had apparently fallen to his doom. But according to the first rule of comics, no body, no death. And even if there was a body, it might not be them. That was rule two.
Rule three was if any female characters became evil, they would start wearing less clothes. A perfect acceptable rule in Wade's opinion.
"Dobby, that's…."
"Could Dobby have a quick word with you, please?" Dobby asked.
Wade followed Dobby off to the other end of the kitchen, under getting him pastries.
"Yes, Dobby knows that is a goblin, and not a house elf, but Jahndo believes he's a house elf," Dobby told him in a hushed voice. "He has...what is it called sir...where someone is forgetting who they are?"
"Amnesia?" Deadpool asked.
Dobby snapped his fingers in response. "Exactly, sir."
So, Griphook fell on his head, and believed he was a house elf. If the goblins caught wind of this, and the fact that a goblin was being worked like a common elf, then there would be another rebellion. And thus Binns would haunt the school, droning on about it, for another three hundred or so years.
"So, Dumbledore is okay with this?" Deadpool asked.
"Yes, Wadeypool, sir, Professor Dumbledore said it was okay, and he hired both Winky and Jahndo," Dobby said.
Wade just stood at the end of the hall, completely and utterly gobsmacked. He wondered, precisely what Dumbledore was thinking, hiring a known thief and pirate to work at Hogwarts, where he had robbed just last year.
Then, Wade aborted that particular line of thought, when he realized that was Dumbledore, and Dumbledore lived in his own world, where rules and logic seldom played out properly. So perhaps it was only appropriate he hired Griphook, or Jahndo right now, because that's just what Dumbledore did.
For their sakes, Wade hoped that he did not regress back into old habits. He fingered his recently repaired Golden Girls watch, hoping that it would remain locked onto his wrist.
X-X-X
The Yule Ball came and rumors came through of who was going with who. And who the champions would go with, as they would open the dance. Everyone buzzed in anticipation and amusement for the Dance.
Well, almost everyone, as Argus Filch trampled around the castle in his usual bad mood. And for once, not because of the fact that it was close to Christmas, which he was unsuccessful in stealing about three years ago.
"Damn kids, you know what this means don't you?" Filch asked. "They'll be sneaking off off into the school, and you know what they'll be doing with each right? And you know who is going to have to clean up that sticky, disgusting mess of dozens of Hogwarts students doing the Horizontal mambo, don't you?"
Filch grunted and pointed to himself.
"Why don't you ask the house elves for help?" Wade asked.
"Those cocky little blighters don't appreciate the work I do, and I'll never here the end of it," Filch said. "They're all ugly as sin...except for that Jahndo, he's the best looking out of the entire lot. If I had enough drinks in me, I would consider it."
"Alright, TMI, Argus, TMI, my good man," Wade said.
He had no desire to inform Filch that Jahndo was not a house elf, but rather an amnesic goblin. But, hey, Filch moved off into the school, to do his normal Filchy things.
Colin Creevey ran around the corner, breathless and very pleased with himself.
"Guess what, Mr. Wilson, sir?" Colin asked.
"Something bad happened?" Wade asked. "No problem, Colin, step into my office…."
"No, sir, it wasn't bad, it was very good," Colin said. "Because...I...got...a...date for the Yule Ball, and it's with Fleur Delacour."
Colin did a jig which Wade stopped in mid-stream.
"How did you wrangle that one, kid?" Wade asked.
Colin grinned from ear to ear. "Well, I was preparing to auction off the pictures...but she made me a deal that I couldn't refuse. First, she threatened to burn me alive, but I stood firm, saying that if something happened to me, the pictures would be released into the Great Hall during Breakfast."
With a grin Colin moved in to speak with an aside.
"I didn't have anything like that set up, but she was convinced that I did...so I leveraged a night to the Yule Ball with Fleur Delacour...and if she ever hooks up with Harry Potter, I get to watch. Isn't that great?"
"Um, Colin, did you clear this with Harry?" Wade said. "Or, his super powered girlfriend?"
"What is Harry going out with Supergirl? Or Power Girl? Or Wonder Woman? Or Black Canary? Or Batgirl? Or She-Hulk? Or Black Widow? Or Captain Marvel? Or The Ghost Spider? Or The Wasp? Or Elektra? Or Black Cat? Or Catwoman? Or Poison Ivy? Or Harley Quinn? Or Spider-Woman? Or Spider-Girl? Or Scarlet Witch? Or Phoenix? Or The White Queen? Or Polaris? Or X-23? Or Shadowcat? Or Rogue? Or Psylocke? Or Mirage? Or Jubilee? Or Firestar? Or Starfire? Or Raven? Or Wondergirl? Or Squirrel Girl? Or the Invisible Woman? Or Quake? Or Mockingbird? Or Miss Martian? Or…."
This pretty much went on for twenty minutes, with Colin rattling off every known female in two different universes, which merged into one by the grand creator for purposes of this story. Including some obscure ones, which Wade even forgot about existing.
'Nerd!' the jock voice in Deadpool's head said.
Finally, about twenty minutes worth of names later, Colin finally remembered to brath.
"Yes, Colin, knowing this author, any or all of the above," Wade said
"Wow," Colin said.
"Yes, wow," Wade said.
"So, I got a date with Fleur Delacour, and I get to hold with her hand, and she might...kiss me on the cheek," Colin said. "And let me watch if she ever hooks up with Harry Potter."
"Well, good for you kid, keep reaching for the stars," Deadpool said.
Wade would have leveraged more, if he was in Colin's position, but that was just Wade. Colin and Wade fist-bumped each other before going their separate ways.
X-X-X
Rebecca Black kept her eyes on the janitor. Most unfortunately, Mad-Eye Moody kept his eye, his magical, creepy eye, on her. The young Hogwarts student, the mask of the feared Dark Lord Voldemort, moved throughout Hogwarts. Her minion, Luna Lovegood, followed her, with two of her former tormenters laying a jacket on the ground so she did not get her shoes dirty.
"So, the rumor is Harry Potter is taking Supergirl to the Yule Ball," Luna bluntly said.
"Unfortunately," Rebecca said. "You are to come with me, Luna."
"Oh, yes, I will...but I thought that the rules stated that you had to invite someone of the opposite sex," Luna said. "Seems silly...but it's a tradition…."
"It's also a tradition to have three champions in a Triwizard Tournament," Rebecca reminded her.
Luna snapped her fingers. "Touche."
Granted, Rebecca was the one who caused the fourth champion to be in, so she and Harry Potter would be alone in the final task and she would abduct him, take his blood, kill him, feed him to Nagini, and return to a superior male form as Lord Voldemort.
Hermione Granger, as usual, camped out in the library. Rebecca could not help, but keep note of the book she had been reading.
"That's inaccurate," Rebecca said. "The author is a charlatan... his theory of magic is fundamentally flawed...no wonder standards have fallen in Hogwarts since Dumbledore became Headmaster."
Hermione sniffed at the afront.
"I'm sure Dumbledore knew he was doing his best," Hermione said.
"Oh, Dumbledore is nothing either," Rebecca said. "He's ruining your potential to learn magic, and none of you can see it. This entire school is filled to the brim with dolts, and the fact that you're the top student in your year is an indication of how much this school has fallen."
Hermione felt insulted. "Albus Dumbledore is the best Headmaster Hogwarts has ever seen."
"For someone who read Hogwarts: A History, your frame of reference is rather low," Rebecca said.
"He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named feared Dumbledore."
"THAT IS A LIE!"
Rebecca turned her head around and her eyes glowed red for a brief second. She got it under control.
"That is lie, Lord Voldemort did not fear Albus Dumbledore. He was the only person to see Dumbledore for what he was. A cruel, heartless manipulator who played with the lives of children, because he feared someone taking his place. He lived in fear. Right now, he's in his office, plotting our downfall."
X-X-X-
In his office, Dumbledore leaned back, with a thoughtful, calculating look.
"It's time for my masterplan to unfold," Dumbledore said with a smile. "I will give Harry Potter what's coming to him."
Dumbledore waved his hands in malicious glee.
"Because, I know Harry will be interested in reading his mother's old journal from school," Dumbledore said. "You never know what you might find by decluttering your office, right Fawkes?"
The Phoenix thrilled in response.
X-X-X
"I think the Wrackspruts clouded her judgment," Luna said.
"Oh, your imaginary creatures, again!" Hermione snapped. "You will believe any amount of rubbish, that your father writes in the Quibbler, don't you?"
Luna frowned at the slight towards her father.
"Well, what's the difference between that, and you believing anything because it was written in a book?"
Hermione's mouth hung open in shock.
"You know something, Hermione," Luna said. "You enjoy playing the poor little defenseless Muggleborn, in the face of the evil purebloods. But, you're really just a selfish bully who loves stepping on others to make yourself feel better. Every time you jump to give a question in class, you're doing it because you crave being in the spotlight. You enjoy the attention, you enjoy feeling superior to every single person in your year...because you are a narcissist bitch!"
Everyone in the Library looked aghast at Luna's words and even Rebecca stepped back. Hermione's hands shook.
"It's because Mommy and Daddy wouldn't acknowledge, you didn't they?" Luna asked. "Because…."
"DON'T TALK ABOUT MY PARENTS!" Hermione shouted.
"Then, don't talk about mine," Luna said.
Both witches withdrew their wands and prepared to hex each other. Books went flying all over the library. Even Madam Prince, the Librarian went to get involved.
"Luna, this Mud...this dolt is not worth it," Rebecca said.
Luna had not noticed Rebecca's near slip. She saw the fire in her eyes.
"Say my father is delusional again?" Luna asked. "Say he's insane for what he writes? Say I'm insane for believing it? I'm sick and tired of people like you putting me down. Because, the only way you can feel special is by putting others down. Because, I think that you realize….
Two spells ricochetted off of each other, and sent Hermione and Luna flying across the library. Several insects glittered around Luna's head, buzzing in her ear, while one of the books started beating Hermione about the head.
"You like talking about things buzzing in people's ears?" Hermione asked savagely.
"You like beating people over the head with your books?"Luna fired back.
Things would have escalated, if not Wade Wilson had come to the rescue, with Flitwick and McGonagall close behind him. They cancelled the spells.
"Ladies, what the actual fuck?" Wade asked.
Luna and Hermione pulled themselves up, with bruises and cuts all over their faces.