"What the hell were you doing, you silly, silly girls!"
Wade had Hermione on one side of the office and Luna on the other side of the office. Both of these girls glared daggers at each other. Albus Dumbledore stood in the middle, ready to help defuse the situation as it was.
"She started it," Hermione said. "I was in the library minding my own business, and she and that weird Black girl…."
"Don't use the term weird in my office, please," Wade said. "You should be more creative, and use the term quirky. Or I would prefer eccentric, although I can assure you that Rebecca Black is the most normal person in Hogwarts. Which I suppose by the inverse law of properties would be make her weird er I mean eccentric."
Hermione huffed and crossed her arms. She assumed she was in the right.
"She shot first," Hermione said.
"Well, you shot your mouth off about my father's newspaper," Luna said. "Why can't you accept beliefs different than yourself?"
"Because, they're not real," Hermione said. "None of those creatures, are real."
"Before you went to Hogwarts, did you think that unicorns, dragons, and elves were real?" Luna asked.
Hermione just glared at Luna's words. She did not get it, she would never give it.
"Your problem is that you only believe what you see with your own eyes, but our eyes can lie to us," Luna said. "Your inability to open your mind up to other people and just slavishly belief what you read in a book is why you have no friends."
"Well, it's not like you have any friends either!" Hermione sniped back.
"Ladies, please!" Deadpool yelled.
"There appears to be one simple solution for this."
Albus Dumbledore spoke out, in his usual calm and rational manner.
"As the Hogwarts Headmaster, it is my responsibility to ensure the mental well-being of every student in this school…."
It was here that Wade started giggling like a schoolgirl. This earned him a queer look from Dumbledore. Queer as in odd, not as in...well never mind.
"Sorry, continue, Albus," Wade said.
"So, it appears that the two of you have some deep rooted issues which you need to work out," Dumbledore said. "I believe, Miss Lovegood, that your father being the only parental figure in your life and his unresolved grief from being unable to save your mother, has caused you great difficulties in your social interactions. Up until your friendship with Miss Black, it appears that you have not had anyone…."
"Professor, Rebecca Black is a toxic…."
"Thank you, Miss Granger," Dumbledore said. "As I was saying, Miss Lovegood has not had the friends which allowed her to flourish at Hogwarts. I am shocked to find out that her socks have been stolen. And there is nothing I value more, even above friendship and love, then a nice pair of socks to keep a person's feet warm. They are truly magic."
Wade wiped a tear from his eye, only to realize that the bowl of candy upon his desk had been replaced by onions. Who would do such a thing?
"And for you, Miss Granger, you had a rocky and isolated start here at Hogwarts," Dumbledore said. "Your incident with the troll has left you jade and embittered….and I'm afraid being disconnected from your fellow peers is the reason why you have focused so entirely on your studies. You wish to stand out, by being the very best. But, I fear that your obsessive desire for acknowledgment from your peers, is crying out for a friend."
"Actually, sir, I don't really need friends, they just are a distraction from…."
"Oh, Miss Granger, you shouldn't contradict me," Dumbledore said. "After all, I'm your Headmaster."
Hermione's mouth shut and she felt almost appalled that she talked back to the Headmaster. Hermione wanted to learn to conjure a bar of soap so she could wash her mouth out with.
Suddenly, Dobby popped into the office, almost on cue, and shoved a bar of soap into Hermione's mouth. Happy to serve a student of Hogwarts in their time of need, Dobby proceeded to wash Hermione's mouth out with soap.
"Mistress Cissa used to have Dobby do this with Master Draco all the time," Dobby said. "Although Dobby doesn't think it did one bit of good, sirs and m'ams."
Dumbledore waited, as Hermione's mouth frothed in disgust.
"Therefore, as the Hogwarts Headmaster, I insist that the two of you will become friends," Dumbledore said.
Luna and Hermione looked at Dumbledore as if he had lost his mind. Well, even more so than usual.
"Headmaster, I believe that you can't…."
"Oh, Miss Granger, you better believe I can," Dumbledore said. "I feel that the two of you will benefit from learning to put your differences aside, and becoming the best of friends. Bosom buddies even…."
Wade broke out into laughter.
"Tee-hee, he said buddies," Wade said.
Regardless, of Wade's outburst, Hermione and Luna stared each other down to her.
"I would rather be alone all of my life than be friends with her," Luna said bluntly.
"And I don't want any friends," Hermione said.
"Oh, but you will be friends," Dumbledore said. "In fact, I think that it would be in your benefits to learn to get along or…."
Dumbledore waved his wand and suddenly, a three foot chain, with shackles on the end, fastened Hermione and Luna together at the wrist.
"Oh, the old handcuffing enemies together trope!" Wade yelled.
"Headmaster, please, you can't do this to either of us!" Hermione yelled.
She tried to use a simple unlocking charm on the chain, but for once, Dumbledore was savvy enough to think about that. And thus, Hermione's spell grew completely dead.
"The charm on the chain will break when the two of you embrace each other as friends," Dumbledore said.
"What if one of us dies?" Hermione asked.
"The chain will prevent any suicides to try and break the agreement," Dumbledore said. "And as the staff of Hogwarts knows, and as you should know Miss Granger, thanks to all of the times you've read Hogwarts: A History, you cannot commit suicide on the Hogwarts grounds. Although that does not rule out murder….although the chain prevents you from doing that to yourselves, or asking anyone to do it on your behalf."
Dumbledore actually thought of everything, for once, and looked pretty proud of himself.
"The chain will only break once you establish the bonds of friendship, genuine friendship," Dumbledore said.
"How are we supposed to go to the bathroom?" Hermione wondered.
"Well, I'm sure you will come to terms with that, eventually, yes," Dumbledore said. "Now, it's time for you to go to bed."
Luna and Hermione left the office and tried to go their opposite ways to the towers, only to find themselves snap back and clonk into each other extremely hard.
"What bed?"
Dumbledore already had been on his way up to the office, with Wade following him.
"Isn't this overstepping your bounds, Headmaster?" Wade asked.
"Wade, I have tenure," Dumbledore said.
Wade figured that explained pretty much all of the things that Dumbledore would get away with. He watched as Luna and Hermione squabble about what bed they would be in.
X-X-X
Draco, with the clingy Pansy Parkinson on his arm, walked into the Yule Ball. Several Slytherins snickered at the fact that Luna Lovegood and Hermione Granger both entered the ball, practically chained at the wrists. Hermione looked grumpy, and obviously did not want to be there. Luna did want to be there, and there was a small part of several of the Slytherins who approved.
"Heh, the Mudblood is chained to Looney Lovegood," Pansy said. "That's about the only good thing Dumbledore's done his entire time at Hogwarts."
"Yes, guess he did them a favor, because it's not like either of them would get a date," Draco said.
"You dare mock two maidens like that?"
Draco, Pansy, and several other unnamed Slytherins turned their attention to a figure dressed in white, with a cape, who descended down from the rafters of Hogwarts. Few of them knew Hogwarts had any rafters, to be perfectly honest, but there you go.
"Who are you?" Draco asked.
"I am here to defend the virtue of all of the fair ladies at Hogwarts from the oppression of the Patriarchy!" he yelled. "You are all such delicate flowers, who should be defended, and shielded."
"Wait, you think that women can't stand up for themselves?" Millicent asked. "Because, Dude, we don't need a man defending our virtue."
"Oh, my fair lady, you have been brainwashed by the Patriarchy, in thinking there is no problem, and you are not vulnerable," the White Knight said. "But, all women, are beautiful, delicate flowers…."
"Well, Pansy is," Blaise Zabini said with a sneer.
"And while Draco, you are not without your virtues, not going for looks alone…."
"Are you trying to say that I'm not beautiful?" Pansy screeched.
The White Knight backpeddled completely. "No, not at all, Lady Parkinson. It's just that, you are not a standard of which most men judge for conventional beauty, even all women are beautiful…."
"So, you think that I'm fat?" Pansy asked.
"No ,no, no, that's not the negative language which we should be encouraging and spreading throughout these sacred halls of Hogwarts," The White Knight said. "You are happy with who you are...body positivity, is something that we should all encourage, and not try and promote unattainable standards of beauty."
"So, wait, I'm attainable!" Pansy yelled. "You think I'm some kind of slut? You think that I'm a fat, ugly, slut, don't you?"
Pansy whirled around to looked at Draco.
"Draco, hex him for me!"
"No problem," Draco said. "Goyle, hex him for me."
Goyle just grinned. "Okay...Crabbe...go ahead and hex him."
Crabbe turned around and realized that he would be the one to hex this White Knight. So he hexed the man and caused him to grow a pumpkin on his head. He fell over and Crabbe and Goyle stomped his head and Pansy stomped his family jewels for good measure.
"What a wanker!" Pansy yelled. "Where does he get off comparing me to other women? Thinking that all women are beautiful. Honestly!"
The Slytherins left the pumpkin splattered White Knight to be found by Filch, who cursed.
"Are you some kind of student at this school?" Filch asked.
"Aye, I be just a crusader," The White Knight said. "I be patrolling the halls of Hogwarts, looking for injustice, against the fair maidens out there."
Filch sighed, he did not get paid enough to deal with this bullshit. Off to his side, Wade slipped into the Yule Ball.
"Looks like Harry was here, had his one dance with his date, and flew off to spend the holidays with her," Neville was telling Hannah Abbott, who he had took to the dance.
"To be fair, they didn't say the Dance had to be when everyone was there," Wade said. "Loopholes for the win!"
Wade walked over, to see Rebecca Black, rolling her eyes. She, Hermione, and Luna were a threesome at the ball, although it had been a very awkward situation. Made even more awkward, given the fact that Hermione was trying to gnaw her own arm off like a caged animal to escape.
"Stubborn, that one, isn't she? Wade asked.
X-X-X
Slipping around the corner from Filch, who had been busy breaking up several students up, Rebecca Black stalked her prey. She finally gave Moody the slip, and to be fair, Moody had been intrigued with this White Knight clown that somehow had gotten into Hogwarts, and thus had his eye on this situation.
Eying from the side, Rebecca caught a look at Colin Creevey, who was being carried to the Hospital Wing, unconscious, after being kissed on the cheek by Fleur Delacour. That little side note aside, Rebecca needed to enact stage one of her plan, namely the murder of Wade Wilson.
Then Potter, and then Dumbledore in that order. And also, that Dolores Umbridge woman, who deserved to die on sheer principle. The Dark Lord would rise once more, stronger than ever.
Watching, Karkaroff and Snape, muttering to each other, Rebecca swiped Karkaroff's wand and disappeared down the steps.
"Hey, baby, out here all alone?"
A drunken Slytherin seventh year staggered, with two of his equally drunken friends. Lord Voldemort had been enraged, not wanting to be sexually harassed by these numbkulls before she gained her revenge on Wade Wilson.
"We can warm you up because baby it's cold outside."
One of them groped Rebecca's ass, and caused her to almost use the wand to slice her throat.
"You did not get her consent, you vile miscreants!"
A lucky, if one could call it that, break, saw the White Knight show up, and get entangled in the Christmas Decorations hanging from the walls. The three Slytherin students pointed and laughed at the white knight, before they all conjured sticks and beat the so called crusader like a pinata.
Rebecca slipped down, moving quickly. She locked eyes onto Wade Wilson, who had been moving up to clean up a mess which had been left behind. He picked up an overturned suit of armor.
"Beloved?" Wade asked.
Rebecca laid in wait, and then she modified her vocal cords to have a completely different voice come out of it.
"AVADA KEDAVRA!"
A green light hit Wade Wilson in the back and sent him spiraling down the steps, crashing down. If the killing curse did not do him in, the sudden stop of his neck breaking did.
Rebecca slipped off.
As if on cue, Karkaroff stumbled around the corner, and Rebecca slipped the wand into his hand, and disappeared, memories modified. Just as she disappeared.
"THE DEPUTY HOGWARTS CARETAKER IS DEAD!"
That loud screams echoed throughout the school and everyone scrambled. Karkaroff being found on the scene of the crime and his shady past, not to mention modified memories of him performing the crime did so.
Rebecca just smiled, check one off of the list, and make a cowardly traitor pay to boot.