The party of Dumbledore, Deadpool, Snape, Lupin, Filch, and Sirius made their way across a valley of thorns and vultures, across lakes of molten hot fire, over rickety cliffs, and through a Twilight fangirl convention before reaching their final destination.
"And now, we're here, finally!" Deadpool yelled.
"Would have been sooner if Remus had been soon moody during that time of the month," Sirius said.
"That joke ceased being funny in my third year, Padfoot," Remus said. "And I can't help it if I have cravings. Be thankful it was for chocolate, and not something far more exotic."
"And now we're heading to the really dark and spooky crave, in the quiet and abandoned city," Deadpool said. "So, we sure this is the place?"
"The Minister of Magic has received intelligence….."
Sirius, Wade, Remus, and even Filch broke out into a loud round of laughter. Dumbledore looked bemused and Snape just rolled his eyes.
"Sorry, continue," Sirius said.
"As I was saying, the Minister of Magic has received intelligence….."
Even more laughter followed from the entire party, and even Snape chuckled, before going back to the usual Snape demeanor of being sullen and being very Snapey. Dumbledore found it very hard to find out.
"What is so funny?" Albus asked.
"Cornelius Fudge receiving intelligence," Sirius said.
"I don't get it," Albus said. "As I was saying….the Minister of Magic has...well he told me that he thought that the goblins would be here. He would have sent a squandron of highly qualified Ministry wizards to do the job for him, but unfortunately, people tend to do dangerous work without being paid."
"Wait, are we getting paid for this?" Snape asked.
"Do we ever get paid for any of the Headmaster's stupid schemes?" Filch asked.
"Point well taken," Snape said. "Continue, Headmaster."
"We have a plan, a plan which will allow us to get the drop on the goblins," Dumbledore said. "And don't forget….if our Sirius plan doesn't work, then we will have to try something else. Which is where our super secret weapon comes in."
"Doorknobs!" Deadpool yelled.
"No, Wade, not doorknobs," Dumbledore said. "Our super secret weapon...well there's no need for us to bring up what it is because you already know."
They all nodded, and they made their way into the dark dank caves. Dumbledore had the sword of Godric Gryffindor, one of the last bargaining chips they had to take down these goblins.
"We should split up," Dumbledore said. "We'll cover more ground."
"Right, I'll go with Sirius, Snape will go with Filch," Deadpool said. "Headmaster, you go with Remus, Shaggy, Velma, and Scooby will go off in one direction, Freddy and Daphne will go off...because that always happens….even though everyone knows that Freddy's in the closet and Daphne and Velma are lesbian lovers…."
Snape snapped with a loud throat clear.
"Right, I'm serious," Deadpool said.
"No, I am."
Deadpool and Sirius fist bumped because of the groaning from the rest of the group. Regardless, three different paths, with Sirius and Wade taking the darkest, dankest, creepiest path.
Sirius lit the wand that he borrowed from some random Ministry asshole. Deadpool opted for a torch, besides it could double as a weapon when he burned it.
Their pathway had been blocked by a group of feral looking goblins. They all growled at Sirius and Deadpool, looking much like wide beasts.
"Who are you?" one of the goblins asked.
"My name is Inigo Montoya," Deadpool said. "Perhaps you knew my father?"
The goblins growled and pointed their sharp and pointy weapons at them. They did not seem to be the singing type of goblins, rather the stabbing type of goblins. Not that the stabbing type of goblins could not sing as well.
"Relax, I've got this," Sirius said. "I know Gobbledegook".
There's a part of Deadpool who wants to believe this is on the level. And another part of Deadpool who feels a burst of anxiety coming through him.
"Are you sure?" Deadpool asked.
"Trust me, everything is fine," Sirius said.
Sirius managed to speak to them. And whatever Sirius said, did nothing to appease these rabid goblins. The daggers, the swords, and the spears pointed at them.
X-X-X
The next thing they knew, Sirius and Deadpool had been hanging above a vat of boiling water, with these feral goblins preparing to stew them to death.
"What did you tell them?" Deadpool demanded.
"My Gobbledegook needs a bit of work," Sirius said. "I buggered the translation."
"WHAT DID YOU TELL THEM?" Deadpool asked urgently.
"I told them I wanted to anal fist their mother," Sirius said in a small voice.
Deadpool could have just banged his heads against the rock.
"I'm guessing this is bad," Deadpool said.
"Well, telling someone you would anal fist their mother normally is," Sirius seriously said. "However, with goblins...it's a justifiable cause for them to boil you and cook you alive...and feast upon your flesh."
"Oh, come on, you've got to be kidding me!" Deadpool yelled. "Hey! Goblins...you don't want to eat me...you don't know where I've been...and you don't want to eat him...because he turns into a dog and loves rolling around in his own shit."
The feral goblins licked their lips and Sirius groaned.
"Mate, goblins love the taste of both shit and dog," Sirius said.
"That's TMI, good buddy," Deadpool said.
"I'm not your buddy, pal," Sirius said.
"I'm not your pal, guy," Deadpool said.
"I'm not your guy, man," Sirius said.
"I'm not your man, chief," Deadpool said.
"I'm your your chief...friend…."
"ARGH, JUST COOK THEM AND BE DONE WITH IT!"
The pissed off form of that one goblin who caused all of this mess turned up. Along with is singing goblins. They started to play a catching tune.
'Great, serenaded before we're sizzled,' Deadpool thought.
Captain Whatshisname started to bop back and forth, singing.
'Oh, we are in for a treat.'
'You humans are too good to eat.'
'Because human is the other white meat.'
'We boil, we bake.'
'Just is good as we take.'
'We don't care if it's fresh.'
'We love to sizzle on your flesh.'
'We will nibble at your feet.'
'Because it's humans, the other white meat.'
Deadpool never thought he would be baked and ate by goblin's because someone said that he wanted to anally fist a goblins' mother. It did not help that Sirius hummed along with the song, be-bopping his head. Deadpool gave him the side long look.
"You have to admit, it's kind of catchy," Sirius said.
"Would you be serious?" Deadpool asked.
"Always, bro," Sirius said.
"I'm not your bro, buddy," Deadpool said.
"Well, I'm not your buddy, mate," Sirius said.
"Well, I'm not your mate, pal," Deadpool said.
"Well, I'm not your pal, chum," Sirius said.
"And I'm not your chum…."
"WILL YOU BE SILENT!" the singing goblin yelled. "You're ruining my harmony."
"Oh, there was a Potion Master who had a stench, and Snivellus was his name-o," Sirius sang. "S-N-I-V-E-L-L-U-S, S-N-I-V-E-L-L-U-S, S-N-I-V-E-L-L-U-S, oh he reeked and his grease was not too sleak, because Snivellus his name-o!"
The goblins clutched their ears at Sirius's bad singing.
"Oh, there was a Potions Master who was lame-O, and Snivellus was his name-o," Sirius howled which made the goblins clutch their ears in pain. "N-I-V-E-L-L-U-S, N-I-V-E-L-L-U-S, N-I-V-E-L-L-U-S, oh he reeked and his grease was not too sleek, because Snivellus his name-o!"
Suddenly, the walls leading into the torture room blew open and debris followed.
"Who the devil is that?" Captain Griphook demanded.
"The name's Snape, Severus Snape, I'm the Potion Master at Hogwarts," Snape said. "And here I thought Longbottom's concoctions would not come in handy."
Snape threw another preserved potion, made by Neville Longbottom and it exploded into the air with a huge explosion. He had intended to keep Longbottom's potions preserved, just to see how badly someone can be and how inept they could be. However, they packed a punch when Snape ignited them and sent them.
"I never thought I'd say this, but I'm really glad that you're here Snape," Sirius said.
"I don't know how you got yourself in a position to nearly got cooked by goblins," Snape said. "I would think you told a goblin that you wanted to anal fist their mother, but even I thought that you would not be that incompetent."
Snape cut the rope and Sirius crashed down, along with Deadpool.
Inside the room, Argus Filch appeared and wielded a mop.
"Alright you filthy goblins, it's time to mop you up!" Filch yelled.
Filch swung the mop and smashed the goblins in the face. Filch picked up a bucket and threw it at the goblins, to clonk them.
And then promptly fell face first after slipping on his own cleaning solution.
"Oh, the most bad ass thing Filch ever did, and he fell on his face," Deadpool said.
"Come with me if you want to live!" Snape yelled. "Although, I won't twist your arm."
Deadpool dragged Filch out as several goblins hurled daggers. Another fastball special with a Neville Longbottom created potion caused the ground to explode.
Remus and Dumbledore appeared and Dumbledore pointed down the hallway. They made their way down a maze of caverns, as the howls of goblins happened.
"Is that a dragon?" Deadpool asked.
"Keep running!" Snape yelled.
"Too bad Hagrid wasn't here," Deadpool said.
Suddenly, they smashed their way through the doors of a giant vault. Where piles and piles of treasure extended as far as the eye could see.
"Well, it's Lucius's pimp cane, I'd recognize it anywhere," Sirius said.
"And Narcissa's pearls," Deadpool commented. "I'd tap that any time."
"I would too," Sirius said.
"Aren't you cousins?" Deadpool asked.
"I'm pureblood," Sirius replied.
"Point well taken," Deadpool said. "Ooh, and Draco's robes...and there's Muriel's….tiara thing...and Snape's cauldrons...and then….ooooh!"
Deadpool gave a whooping cheer as his Golden Girl's Watch sat on the top of the mountain. His limited addition Golden Girl's Watch, oh he could taste it.
"YES!"
Deadpool scrambled up the piles of treasure to get his prize. Suddenly, an arrow flew and stabbed Deadpool in the wrist, pinning him to a particular gaudy looking shield.
"Barton, now's not the time!"
The goblin warriors broke up Deadpool's attack. Where the leader of the crew appeared. Deadpool pulled himself free, and his watch rolled down the hill, into the hands of the same goblin that stole it.
"Hands of me booty, you rogue!" the Captain said.
"That's what they told Harvey Weinstein," Deadpool said.
A rimshot echoed in Deadpool's head, and then crickets because absolutely no one bought it. Deadpool slid down to face Griphook.
"Alright, goblin face, hand me the watch, or I'll make you so ugly that your mother won't even recognize you," Deadpool said. "I don't know who you are, but you're messing with the bull and getting my horns right in your face, while I fist you in the face."
Deadpool swiped his hand in the captain's face.
"The name is Captain Griphook," the goblin said.
"Sheep Dick?" Deadpool asked.
"Griphook!" he snapped. "I've taken pretty much everything...the only thing left to take is the humans and seal them in our vaults."
"Wait, you can't do that!" Dumbledore yelled. "That's kidnapping."
"It's taking back what is ours," Griphook snarled. "This is our Reparations...you humans have treated us goblins like second class citizens. You think that you can get away with this, well we're going to seal you in the vaults, and there's nothing that you can do about it."
"Sirius, now!"
Sirius started to sing a melody of Beatles songs which caused the goblins to clasp their ears. At least until Griphook stuffed a sock in Sirius's mouth and prevented him from sing any more.
"Cut down in the prime of his life!" Dumbledore yelled. "Oh the humanity of it…."
Dumbledore stopped and started to break out into mad laughter, which caused everyone, including the goblins to look at Dumbledore like he had finally lost it.
"I finally got it!" Dumbledore yelled.
'Really, because we thought that you finally lost it?'
'Did he ever have it?'
'Well, if that''s not the pot calling the kettle black, I don't know what it is.'
"Mmph, mmm, mppph, mmph, mpph, mmm, mmm, mph!" Sirius groaned.
"Most eloquent thing you've said, Black," Snape said.
"And now it's time to take what is ours," Griphook said.
"Not yet," Dumbledore said. "Gentlemen, your secret weapons."
The goblins prepared themselves for some weapons. Snape, Dumbledore, Wade, Sirius, Remus, and Filch all pulled out...fluffy pink earmuffs, and put them over their head.
'Thank you Professor Sprout.'
Griphook started to sing his song, but it fell on deafened hers.
"Surprise, pickle puss!" Deadpool yelled.
He punched Griphook in the face, and knocked him down. Griphook popped up, wiping the blood from his mouth, and pulled out his sword.
Deadpool pulled the sword of Gryffindor from Dumbledore's sheath and blocked it. Deadpool and Griphook circled each other, and the sounds of swords clanging together echoed throughout the cavern. Deadpool and Griphook fought up through the caves.
The Merc with the Mouth smiled and dodged some of Griphook's blows. He was pretty sure that Griphook said something amusing, only he could not not hear it. The sounds of battle echoed from high above.
Suddenly, they fought on the edge of the cliff. Fire shot through the room and then the sounds of rain echoed, dripping from the open ceiling. Because, it would not be a fight scene without rain or fire.
Griphook ripped Deadpool's earmuffs off and sent him flying over the edge of the cliff with a scream.
Deadpool clung to the edge of the cliff, in an attempt to struggle up.
'Oh, we've got to get up there,' Deadpool said. 'No one likes a cliffhanger.'
Griphook held both the Sword of Gryffindor and his own sword with triumph, and he leaned down to smile.
'Let it go, let it go…..'
"Hey, that's copyright," Deadpool groaned. "You want to get this story deleted?"
Yet, Deadpool's fingers started to slip, and Griphook looked up in triumph.
"I will stuff your corpse, and mount it in my office."
"You and Kraven should get together sometime."
A loud explosion and whirls of chaos caught Griphook's attention. And Deadpool's as well. Deadpool looked up in the sky.
It was not a bird. It was not a plane. It was Peeves!
"Weee!" Peeves yelled.
Peeves hurled Snape's entire bag of Neville Longbottom potions at Griphook, while shoving fireworks into it, and lighting them.
The explosion sent Griphook falling to his doom like he was a Disney villain.
Instantly, Deadpool pulled himself up, and the held Griphook's sword in the air if triumph.
"And that makes me the goblin king!" Deadpool yelled. "Suck on that, Norman!"
The rest of the goblins shook their heads, as if they had cleared out of some kind of fog. The entire party of Dumbledore, Snape, Sirius, Filch, and Remus joined Deadpool.
"Well, we've done it," Deadpool said.
"Do any of you have any idea how to get all of the goblin's stolen goods home?" Snape asked.
"By with the magic of magic of course, dear Severus," Dumbledore said.
"Everyone take a shot!" Deadpool said.
"I looted some goblin wine," Sirius said.
"Cheers to that," Filch said. "You know something Black, you're only a pain of the ass most of the time."
"Thanks Fllchy, you're just swell," Sirius said.
"And how are we going to get out of here?" Snape asked.
"Magic," Dumbledore said.
The Hogwarts Potion Master groaned at Dumbledore's non answer.
"Why do I even bother?" Snape asked.
They had a lot to do to even get out of the caves, never mind return to Hogwarts. And also make sure all of the stolen goods returned.
"I believe I might have a suggestion," Harry said.
"Potter, how did you get here?" Snape asked.
"I flew," Harry said.
"I KNEW IT!" Snape yelled. "See, flying girl, flying girl…."
"Oh, will you give a rest," Sirius said. "Oh, I'm Sirius by the way, your cool godfather...and you know everyone else."
"Yeah, I heard," Harry said. "Nice to meet you…"
"Mushy reunion later?" Sirius asked.
"Yeah," Harry said. "Anyway, I believe we can get the loot out of here."
Suddenly, several figures flew into the cave, with portals opening throughout the wide multiverse.
"I TOLD YOU!" Snape yelled.
"Professor, you said a flying girl, not fifty-two flying girls!" Harry said in exasperation.
Snape sputtered, but Dumbledore just patted him on the shoulder, trying to console him.
"He's got you there," Sirius said. "Wait, fifty-two?"
"Yeah," Harry said.
"That's my boy," Sirius said. "Here have some goblin made wine."
Harry took the wine in good grace.
"As a responsible adult here, I should say something," Deadpool said. "But, damned if I know what it is."
To get all of the goblin loot out of here, this looked like a job for the Legion of Supergirls.