The party of Wade Wilson, Sevurus Snape, Luna Lovegood, Argus Filch, Draco Malfoy, and Percy Weasley all arrived outside of the gates of the house belonging to Great Auntie Muriel. Outside, Luna casually pulled out a kazoo and began playing "Ride of the Valkyries" on it, much to the bemusement of some and the amusement of a couple of others.
After the Luna show ended, Wade turned towards the group at large.
"Okay, we go in, steal…."
"Borrow without asking!" Percy snapped.
"We borrow without asking the tiara, get out of there without Muriel finding out, use it to bait the goblin trap, snag the goblin when he tries to get the treasure, and then we get our goods back."
"Not to mention my sweet, sweet, retirement!" Argus yelled.
"Yes, there's that," Wade agreed. "Which would make me the Head Caretaker of Hogwarts, I guess, given that you're going to retire."
"Heaven help us all," Snape said. "Let's get this all over with."
"What could go wrong?" Draco asked.
Snape's eyes narrowed at that particular statement coming from Draco. A second passed before he breathed in and breathed out, stalling for time and dramatic affect.
"Why would you say something so ignorant?" Snape asked. "Do any of you have any ideas onto how to get inside...Weasley? Anyone?"
"I'm not sure, Professor," Percy said.
"To say I have a plan is really stretching it most of the time," Wade admitted. "I just fly by on the seat of my pants, just go with the flow, and hope I don't hit the floor."
"Why don't we knock on the front door?" Luna suggested.
"That's a stupid idea," Draco said.
"Well, you're not a nice person," Luna nonchalantly said.
'So, how long is going to be before people start shipping them.'
'Give it about three chapters.'
'Still a better love story than Twilight.'
Draco decided to look around at the entire group and looked pretty smug in the process.
"Here's what we're going to do to steal…."
"Borrow!" Percy corrected.
"FINE!" Draco snapped. "We're going to go around the backdoor, past that patch of vines, we're going to sneak in through the windows, and then one of us is going to snag the tiara. And then, we're going to head back to Hogwarts and trap the goblin and stop my father's budding poetry career before it really starts."
Draco paused and shuddered at the thought of his father sending even more poetry, as he spiraled into a further and further depression thanks to the lost of his beloved pimpcane.
"Weasley, you should go first," Draco said.
"Why me?" Percy asked.
"Because, you're a Gryffindor, you do the heroically stupid things all of the time," Draco said.
"Scared of your own plan failing?" Percy sniped back.
"I'm very brave, my mother would tell you so!" Draco bit back.
"Is that with or without the nightlight?"
"Professor Snape, the Headboy Weasel is bullying me!" Draco whined.
"Draco, quit whining, and don't be a snitch," Snape tensely said. "Weasley, focus...you should know the easiest way inside...are you even certain that your Great Aunt would be at home?"
"Well, I don't know, but where is she going to go, being a hundred and some years old?" Percy asked in a nonchanantly. "Well, I guess this is it. I mean, it's just borrowing right, we're going to just return it back right…."
"Yes, Hermione, we are," Wade said in a tense voice.
"Um, sir, I'm Percy…."
"Well, you can be anything that you believe you can, it is a much more progressive time," Wade said. "Well, maybe not in this particular universe, or this particular year, or this particular community of magical wizards who perform magic, but…."
"We're stalling for time, get going!" Filch yelled.
Filch made an attempt to slap Percy on the backside. He stepped on a vine and suddenly, the vine snapped up, and then dragged Filch into the jaws of a maneating plant where it swalllowed him hole.
"Oooh, that's hideous," Luna said.
"He's just a squib," Draco said.
"You aren't a nice person," Luna said.
"Are you flirting with me?" Draco asked. "Because if you are, you're kind of creeping me out."
"He was one day away from a potential retirement and he's been swallowed whole," Deadpool said. "I guess that's what we call retirony."
Luna just sighed ,wondering what kind of madness she signed up for. She turned her attention towards Professor Snape, who looked absolutely nonchalant. Then again, when you were dead on the inside like Snape was, there was not that much that bothered you anymore.
"Can we get Mr. Filch back?" Luna asked.
"In about eight to twelve hours yes," Snape said. "Unfortuntaely...you won't recognize him."
Suddenly, the plant made a disgusting sound and Filch was shot out of the plants mouth, covered in slime. The Hogwarts Caretaker groaned, still alive, although completely disgusted and covered in some kind of plant sludge which he slipped and slid around.
"Filchy, you're alive!" Deadpool yelled as he threw his arms around Filch and hugged him from behind.
'And now the shippers go mild,' one of the voices in Deadpool's head commented.
"Well, that was revolting," Snape said. "Enough games, Weasley...the door, if you please."
Weasley opened the back door and they entered the long cavernous hallway of Muriel Weasley's house. There were priceless antique vases lining every corner of the hallway, along with other affects. Percy knew better than to touch anything in his aunt's face.
"Don't touch anything," Percy said. "If we break something, she'll know."
This was extremely suspenseful, and then moved through the hallway. Something started to rumble behind them which caused them to all jump up in defense. Luna threw her hands up, and gave a sheepish little smile.
"Sorry," Luna commented softly.
She took a granola bar and chewed down onto it.
"No eating outside of the kitchen!" Percy yelled.
Filch almost slipped on the rug and came close to knocking over a vase. Percy rushed over and stopped it from falling onto the ground with a noisy clatter. He broke out into a very relieved sigh.
Only, he sneezed, drop the vase he caught and knocked over about eight more, then falling like a domino effect.
"Weasley, you imbecile!" Malfoy yelled.
Suddenly, something underneath them back to creak, and the floor collapsed from underneath them, causing the entire group to fall down into a large cavernous room, underneath the main house. The torches flickered on and the entire group was now in between two large stone walls, closing in, with razor sharp spikes on it.
"What kind of nutter has a secret room with trick walls with spikes on them?" Draco howled in misery.
"Your father?" Luna asked.
"He doesn't count!" Draco yelled.
Wade thought this was well made, the spikes had good craftsmanship at the very least. And they were very likely to be crushed to their doom, if they were not careful.
Calmly, Luna walked behind one of the closing walls and casually walked up a set of stairs leading to the main floor. The others followed her, some of them looking very annoyed that they did not think of such an obvious trick to get out of Muriel's death room.
"Of course it is," Wade said. "I just thought of something."
"Oh no," Snape groaned. "What?"
"What if we go through all of this trouble and find out that the goblins have already swiped the tiara that we wanted to bait them with?" Wade asked.
All eyes looked at him and Filch just grumbled. He still smelled like that foul plant in that crazy bag's garden.
"Why would you even suggest such a loathsome thing?" Filch growled. "Alright, let's go through here...where did you say the tiara was?"
"I think it's down that hallway," Percy said. "But, we're not allowed to go down. If Great Auntie Muriel finds out, she's going to kill me, and then Mum is going to kill me again…."
"Technically, your mother couldn't kill you if you were already dead," Luna said.
"Yeah, Weasley, what is she going to do, learn necromancy?" Draco asked.
Percy grew pink around the ears at the logic bombs being thrown at him by the two younger students. The moment he had a chance, he would find an excuse to put them in detention. He took a deep breath and Wade put his arm around.
"Remember, you can be a hero!" Wade cheered. "You can be the Minister of Magic!"
"Oh, yes, I can if I stop these goblins from running amuck!" Percy yelled.
"That's the spirit!" Wade yelled.
Percy stopped short of the edge of the forbidden hallway, leading to his Great Auntie Muriel's private chambers. No one was allowed inside, not even Fred and George would dare, and they were Fred and George. Snape held up his hand and put it on his shoulder.
Snape waved his wand in a zig-zag pattern and pointed towards the red lines lining the hallway.
"You step there, and we'll be burying what's left of you in a matchbox," Snape said. "You need to cross the room, and disable the security so we can steal…."
"Borrow!" Percy yelled. "Borrow without asking."
"Weasley, would it be possible for you to stop moralizing everything that you're doing?" Snape asked a second later.
"Um, I guess, sir."
"Then one of you needs to go and sneak past the security, before prying the rune stone from the wall," Snape said. "Someone expendable."
His eyes peered onto Deadpool who naturally knew that he had been volunteered for this amazing task. He took the first step through the laser grid. It was no different than breaking in a HYDRA base.
He stepped on one of the darker stones and the walls opened up to reveal poisoned shape darts which shot out of the wall and impacted Deadpool in the stomach and the neck causing him to hideous scream and stagger around, threatening to be sliced ribbons by the security system.
"No officer, I swear to drunk I'm not God!" Deadpool slurred when trying to almost fall over.
He made it, just barely at the edge and then ripped the rune stone from the wall, disabling the security system. Percy briskly lead the way, with Luna following, then Draco, and a smelly Filch coming behind them, with Snape leading to the ring.
"Are you the Fairy Princess?" Deadpool slurred while groping Draco's robes in an attempt to stand up straight.
"Yes, he is," Luna commented. "We need to steal the tiara to stop the vicious goblins from taking us over...right?"
"Yes, of course, I love tiaras, because they make me feel like a pretty, pretty, princess," Wade said as he almost knocked another randomly placed vase off of the wall.
There it was, Auntie Muriel's goblin made tiara, just in front of him. Wade slipped it off.
"Careful with that, we need it in one piece!" Percy yelled.
"Oh, will you give it a rest, Weasley?" Draco asked.
The second the tiara slipped out, the floor dipped into a large slide, which they slid down. Coming down the slide, was a giant boulder, chasing them to oblivion.
"Everyone run!" Draco yelled, shoving Filch into the path of the border and nearly crushing him flat.
They ran, with Luna playing the theme song from Indiana Jones on her kazoo when they were running towards the nearest exit. They staggered and slumped, before making it to the exit, just as the giant rock is about to squash them flat.
"I wonder if she always had that security, or if she added it for the goblins," Deadpool said.
"Let's go, we got the tiara!" Percy yelled.
"And after all that, it better be worth it," Draco said.
"Oh, it will be worth it," Percy said.
'Youngest Minister of Magic, here I come,' Percy greedfully thought.
'Early retirement, here I come,' Filch said.
'Cauldrons, here I come,' Snape thought.
'Golden Girls Watch, you will be mine again, my sweet,' Deadpool thought.
'End of my father's poetry, you will be mine,' Draco added.
'I wonder if Professor Dumbledore was ever convinced he was not a hummingbird,' Luna thought.
The entire group surfaced at the edge of the gate. They all took a couple of large breaths, smiling when they crossed the threshold of the gate.
"Well, we smashed up half of her house, but I'm sure that she won't notice," Wade said.
"Her house more like smashed us up," Snape muttered underneath his breath.
"Well, at least we have the tiara, so now we can plunder that damn goblin booty," Filch said.
"Hee-hee, he said goblin booty," Luna giggled.
Suddenly, an enchanted song announced the arrival of goblins, riding on the back of a dragon, which swooped down.
'Oh, you have had your fun.'
'But your journey is near done.'
'We will hit the sky.'
'All of your hopes and dreams are about to die.'
'We thank you for doing all of our dirty work.'
'But now, we take our treasure, you stupid berk.'
'And remember our Captain's name when you figure out what we took.'
'GRIPHOOK, GRIPHOOK, GRIPHOOK!'
Captain Griphook swiped Auntie Muriel's goblin made tiara out of the hands of a disoriented Deadpool and hit the skies.
Oh, and they also knocked more of Muriel's house over, on top of Deadpool, squashing him flat or knocking him unconcious for a few months.
"So, wait a minute?" Draco asked when he came too. "We...went through all of that to borrow the goblin-made tiara…."
"Only for those goblins to steal it straight off!" Filch howled.
Severus Snape blinked several times and then he realized that he had only course of magic. He dropped to the ground, curling up into a fetal ball, and went into shock.
"All that for nothing," Draco said. "Professor Snape…."
"Is he going to be alright?" Luna asked.
"Lucius, I told you that unicorns are high in fiber!" Snape howled giddy in excitement.
"I think he just needs a nice long sleep," Luna said. "Mr. Filch?"
"No!" Filch yelled staring up to the heavens. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! MY RETIREMENT FUND!"
Percy collapsed as well, his aunt and mother were going to kill him. And more importantly he would never become Minister of Magic.
"Wade?" Luna asked.
A loud pop echoed from outside of the gates and Muriel arrived home to see the carnage which transpired.
"WHAT IN THE BLOODY HELL!?"
"I think we should run," Draco commented.
Luna grimly nodded, leaving the adults, or near adults in a state of various stages of depression and dismemberment, with Luna playing the theme from "The Benny Hill Show" on her kazoo when making a break for it, before Muriel could get her claws on them.
Eventually, our heroes would be retrieved by….oh, let's say, Flitwick.