The events of the previous day mandated Dumbledore to call another emergency staff meeting. McGonagall, Snape, and the rest appeared, with everyone's favorite Deputy Caretaker of Magical Sanitation and New Hogwarts Grief Counselor appearing in the flesh. He fiddled with a very amazing looking device, to the point where Snape glared at him.
"What the devil are you doing?" Snape demanded.
"Oh, I'm just adjusting the time on my antique, vintage, Golden Girls watch," Wade said. "You know back in the day, watches only told the time and nothing more. And the only thing phones did was you could call people on them, crazy right?"
Snape did not bother to answer this particular statement. He knew it would be for the best if he did not say a single world, not wanting to run the risk of incriminating imself.
"But, still it's a priceless antique worth a small fortune," Deadpool said. "You don't know how many people I had to kill to get ahold of it. It's a one of a kind."
"It's just a watch," Snape said.
Deadpool could not bother to explain the monetary value of such a priceless antique. The clearing of his throat brought their attention to Dumbledore who was going to explain what happened.
"It has come to my attention that an unregistered Animagus was living in Hogwarts for at least a period of seven years," Dumbledore said. "More troubling yet, it appears that he is a long dead wizard, and one who we have believed to be murdered. That being Peter Pettigrew."
Everyone in the staff meeting gasped. One particular individual looked queasy for a second. Remus Lupin, the New Defense Against the Dark Arts Teacher, obviously had a personal attachment to this entire situation. And when he found out that Peter was alive, well it threw everything that Remus thought he knew into severe question. It threw his entire world, already messed up about twelve years over.
"Yes, that's shocking," Remus commented a few seconds later.
"Of course, that doesn't necessarily mean that Black is innocent," Snape said.
"Thank you, Severus," Dumbledore said. "And he's still at large as well and given his time in Azkaban, he may have been completely unhinged."
Dumbledore took a second to reflect. To be fair, he had been blinded by the thought that he knew everything going on. He did not expect the Potters to pull a fast one over him and switch the Secret Keeper to someone else. Of course, the charge of betraying the Potters to Voldemort was only one minor thing. The murder of twelve Muggles and one wizard, even if it had been downgrounded to attempted murder, was potentially problematic. And even if Pettigrew was responsible for the explosion, there was still an intent.
"If it wasn't for me, we wouldn't have...none of this would have happened," Lupin said.
"Remus, you can't blame yourself."
"Yeah, I barely know you...my name is Wade Wilson by the way," the mercenary said. "Deputy Assistant Caretaker of Magical Sanitation and Hogwarts Grief Counselor."
"Wait, Hogwarts Grief Counselor?" McGonagall asked.
"Yes, he suggested it and volunteered for the job, so I gave it to him on top of his other responsibilities," Dumbledore said.
"And I was under the assumption that a grief counselor was supposed to help the students, and not cause them more drama," Snape said.
"Hey, I don't see you doing a better job," Deadpool said. "Doesn't Dumbledore have you teach sex education?"
"Unfortunately," Snape grumbled.
Remus tried to keep a straight face. Still, there had been some questionable appointments in the Hogwarts staff that were eyebrow raising. Namely the fact that he had kept Binns on. No one knew quite when he started.
"You must beware the full moon!" Trelawney yelled. "For it will be doom for you! Doom!"
"Hey, stop saying his name in vein," Wade said. "You want him to come up here and kick all of our asses?"
"DOOM!"
"Yes, amazing prediction, telling the werewolf that the full moon will mean doom," Snape dryly commented.
"Wait, you're a werewolf?" Deadpool asked.
Lupin answered with a nod, and Wade just shrugged in response.
"We're getting off the subject," Flitwick reminded them.
"Of course, of course," Dumbledore said. "Now where were we?"
"I should have never...if I hadn't gotten bitten, they would have never…." Lupin said and he sighed. "They never would have become Animagi."
"I KNEW IT!" Snape yelled. "I knew they were becoming Animagi illegally. I told you Headmaster! I've been vindicated! Do you hear me? VINDICATED!"
Snape pointed his fingers to each of the staff members of the room and shouted "vindicated" when he made his way around the room. Lupin just blinked a second.
"You do realize how dangerous that is, don't you know?" McGonagall asked.
"Yes, but they insisted to keep my company," Lupin said. "I tried to talk them out of it, but you know how James and Sirius were when they...when they set their mind to something."
The staff members who were there nodded in grim acceptance. They knew all about what those two were up to all too well.
"They were breaking both the school rules and the Ministry law," Snape said.
"Yes, nearly fifteen years ago," Lupin said.
"And to fair, Lupin wasn't an Animagi, it was Sirius, Harry's Dad, and Scabbies," Wade said.
Referring to Wormtail as Scabbies caused Lupin far much more amusement than it should of. It was a pity that Wade was around during their time at Hogwarts. He would have made a hell of a Marauder.
'I smell plot bunny.'
'Nah, that's just what we had for dinner.'
'Oh right, that chili, really hits the spot.'
"Yes, I think that if Peter, Sirius, and James come back to class, I will arrange to have them put in Detention," Dumbledore commented. "Of course, it would be a tad bit difficult, given one of them is dead, another is in Ministry Custody, and the other's whereabouts is unknown. And also, they have left Hogwarts almost fifteen years ago."
Snape looked like someone punched him in the gut.
"Also, fifty points to Gryffindor each for successfully becoming an Animagus without supervision," Dumbledore said.
"But, they did so fifteen years ago and they're long since gone from Hogwarts," Snape protested. "You can't do that...that's just not done...and they were breaking Ministry Law."
"Yes, well some people in this room have done far worse to break Ministry law, Severus," Dumbledore warningly retorted.
"Oooh!"
Everyone turned to Deadpool, and the mercenary just shrugged his shoulders.
"But, we do have something troubling," Flitwick commented. "Perhaps we should monitor any unregistered Animagi coming into Hogwarts. I believe there are charms which we can set up."
"I'm sure Wormtail is an isolated incident," Dumbledore said. "We don't need to strip down the Hogwarts wards to add further protections inside. The chances of there being another unregistered Animagi coming into this school or anyone disguised underneath the Polyjuice Potion are slim to none."
"Do you know Murphy?" Deadpool asked.
"No, I'm afraid I haven't met him," Dumbledore said. "Is he a friend of yours?"
Deadpool thought about face palming.
"What about the Dementors?" Vector asked. "Surely the Ministry is not going to station them here, are they?"
"I will have to talk to Cornelius," Dumbledore said.
"Speaking of which, I'm late for the Ministry," Deadpool said. "They want to talk to me about the entire Black thing, and Pettigrew, and you know….I should go...pleasure meeting you Professor Lupin. Hope you have a better year than Lockhart did."
"What did happen to Lockhart?" Lupin asked.
"Oh, he was abducted by his own classroom by pixies, taken to the backwoods where his hair was shaved off and his teeth was removed by voodoo hillbilly cultists. And the queen of them tried to force Lockhart into a shotgun marriage. Also, he was worshipped by some dwarves somewhere in there, and won the Alternate Witch Weekly's fasted descent to rock bottom award. And then the Hillbilly Voodoo Queen came to Hogwarts and tried to force Lockhart to marry him. And she lost a "your Mama" off to Molly Weasley. And they she tried to eat us all up. She swallowed a clone of me and Lockhart sacrificed himself. Oh, and the Green Meteor Rock irradiated guts of the exploding Hillbilly Queen blew all over Hogwarts and Hogsmeade, but I'm certain there will no consequences for that."
Lupin blinked as Wade dropped all of this exposition without taking a breath.
"Well, I have a lot to live up to," Lupin said a few seconds later.
"Yeah, best of luck to you," Wade said.
Deadpool left.
'I wonder if anything is going to come off from that woman exploding into meteor rocks.'
'What I want to know is how long we're going to go without the main character of this franchise showing up?'
'At least one more chapter?'
X-X-X
"State your name for the record."
"Wade Winston Wilson. I was hired as an assistant deputy caretaker of magical sanitation and I work for Argus Filch."
Wade sat as angelic as a choir boy where Fudge, Amelia Bones ,the Pepto Toad, and a group of witches and wizards who will remain nameless watched him. And also, Percy Weasley, who would have normally been as excited to be in the Ministry, but he was frowning when he realized the reason why he was here.
They were in a closed courtroom, the press was not involved. Hell, Deadpool was not certain that they knew about Pettigrew. Last he checked, there were still reports of the latest Sirius Black sightings and they acted like he was a fugitive.
Still, Deadpool vowed to help out the justice process as much as possible.
"And you were hired, despite not having a drop of magical blood in you," the Pepto Toad commented.
"Well, you don't need magic to clean magical toilets," Deadpool said. "Just like you don't need common sense to be able to properly run a government."
Everyone in the room glared daggers at Deadpool. What did some non-magical person know about running a magical government anyway? Especially a glorified janitor.
"And how did you come across Mr. Pettigrew?" one of the nameless Ministry witches asked.
"Almost two years ago, I found him nearly being ripped apart by my boss's cat, Mrs. Norris, who I believe is the transfigured wife of Chuck Norris…."
"That is a lie!" The Pepto Toad.
"Then why are you swearing?" Wade asked. "Unless you know more than you're letting on about the fate of Mrs. Norris."
"Mr. Wilson, if you would please stick to the facts," Amelia said.
"Right, I rescued the rat from the cat and he became my companion over the next two or so years. Before that, he was a pet of Ron Weasley and I understand that he was the pet of Percy."
"Mr. Weasley, how did you come across who you referred to as Scabbers the rat?" Amelia asked.
"Well, I found him in the garden when I was six, it was the middle of winter," Percy said. "I felt sorry for him and nursed him back to help. I convinced Mum to let me keep him...and she did…."
"And you never once had cause to believe that Scabbers was not a rat?" Fudge asked.
"Well, no, why would I think something like that?" Percy asked.
"And why is it that you brought a rat to Hogwarts despite it being against the rules?" Deadpool asked.
"Mr. Wilson, you're not to ask any questions," Amelia said.
"Look, I thought that he was a rat, he looked like a rat, okay, maybe it was a bit odd he lived for so long, but you know ,we took good care of him," Percy said. "I was a good owner...I loved him. He was my best friend."
"But ,why did you give him to your brother?" Deadpool asked.
"Would someone put a silencing spell on him?" Fudge asked.
"I gave him to Ron because...well I didn't think he would make any friends," Percy commented. "Because….well….I wanted to let him have someone he could talk to, like I did. Besides, I didn't need a rat to talk to, because I was a prefect, so I must have been popular."
"But, you did not know he was a human, not even the slightest hint," Umbridge said. "One of the top students in your year...the top student in your year, rather, and Dumbledore made you Head Boy. And you couldn't figure out that there was something off about this rat?"
Deadpool hated to admit that the Pepto Toad had a point. Didn't stop her from being a bitch, and someone that he would like to drop a plane on, in sheer principle, but she had a point.
"He was my best friend, don't you realize that this is hard on me too?" Percy asked. "I was mad that Ron lost him, and now...now he's….he's...he's….he's...he's…."
Wormtail gazed at the floor, not wanting to look his former caretaker in the eye. The healer on staff slipped Percy a calming draught which calmed him only slightly.
"Someone like that, not able to see that his pet was an Animagus. Not Ministry material."
Percy's eyes shot up in rage. He could not surely have lost his dream job at the Ministry before it even started over this. And yet, his stomach turned. He had harbored a mass murderer, unwillingly for years, if these allegations were correct. No one at the Ministry would want to touch him because had been the boy who had harboed a mass murderer.
Percy prayed the allegations were not true. Perhaps, Scabbers, Peter, whoever, was just hiding, because he didn't want the Death Eaters to kill him off. But, somehow, it still looked bad for him.
It could not be true, this was a nightmare. It was all that Deputy Caretaker's fault. If he didn't expose Scabbers to the world, then Percy would not have been blackballed from the Ministry. Sure, Black would have been captured and kissed, but Percy had been robbed of his chance.
"Peter Pettigrew, do you have anything to say for yourself?"
"Please, it didn't mean to betray them, I thought that Dumbledore would have got them out of there," Peter said. "And Sirius should have never cornered me like that, I had no choice. And I never intended to blow all of those Muggles away, I swear to God."
Amelia frowned at that statement. And Percy's shoulders sunk. He had taken in a murderer, there was no question about it. Fudge was looking at him and shaking his head.
"And the evidence from the healer states that Peter Pettigrew was part of a Fidelius Charm," Amelia commented.
"Black's still a threat," Fudge commented. "I want him hunted down and brought in, it's for his own protection after all….and I want Pettigrew to be given the Dementor's Kiss, immediately."
"NO!" Peter yelled. "Please….don't….do this to me!"
"You committed murder," Fudge said. "And you're a risk to run. Given your abilities."
Fudge would not be made a fool of. He would have Pettigrew kissed and when Black got captured, the Dementors would give him the kiss. Granted, he would have to order the execution of the Dementor who performed the deed, but it was only a small price to pay.
The Aurors pulled Wormtail up and lead him to the outside of the room. He screamed and squirmed, as they lead him to the outside.
Deadpool whistled and he could see Percy's hateful gaze directed at him.
'Well, shit's just got all kinds of fucked up,' Deadpool thought.
'The question is, do you think that he's actually going to get kissed.'
'On screen or didn't happen!'
"What of Black?" Fudge asked. "He still went after Pettigrew with an intent to murder. I'm not convinced he isn't responsible for blowing up that street."
"A full inquiry will be made regarding the investigation on that day," Madam Bones said.
She would be having a long and very uncomfortable talk with Bartemius Crouch about the lack of trial transcripts. Of course, it became more obvious with each passing moment that the lack of transcipts meant there was no trial.
X-X-X
Deadpool stepped from the bowels of the Ministry of Magic. Percy Weasley's Ministry Career Prospects went up in flames. And Wade very nearly, almost felt sorry for him, but not really. He was a brown noser, and Wade did not really have as much time to feel sympathy for someone like that.
As for Wormtail, well he had been sentenced to the Dementor's Kiss due to his crimes. And Deadpool hoped that would mean that Sirius Black would be cleared of the crimes that he was accused of.
Suddenly, Wade Wilson came face to face with the Malfoys. Lucius, with his stylish pimp cane, Draco, looking all smug, and Narcissa, in all of her MILFy glory.
"It's him, Father," Draco said. "That's the janior…."
"Hey, I'm the Deputy Caretaker of Magical Sanitation," Deadpool said. "And I'm the Hogwarts Grief Counselor."
Lucius gave him a long and searching look.
"You forced my son to do the work of a house elf," Lucius said. "And I believe you are responsible for losing mine."
"And you were very lucky to escape Azkaban," Wade said. "And you must be Draco's mother. I must say, Draco's Mum has got it going on."
Narcissa gave him a look as if she did not know quite what to make of him. He was almost amusing, although she needed to maintain the mask of casual indifference. Because as a pureblood, that was the role she had to play.
"You better stay away from my mother!" Draco yelled.
"Draco, enough," Lucius said. "Rest assure that your days at Hogwarts will be numbered, Mr. Wilkens…."
"Hey, hair gel for brains, it's Wilson," Wade said. "And I can take you. I so can take you."
Lucius just sneered and Draco matched his father's expression.
"Didn't your mother tell your face could freeze like that?" Deadpool asked.
"Yes, many times," Narcissa said. "Draco, that look is unbecoming of you."
Draco got the pouty expression on his face.
Before this confrontation can escalate any further, kazoos started to play in the distance. Deadpool wondered what the hell was going on and suddenly a large dragon appeared outside of the Ministry. The dragon was ridden by a small army of Goblin Warriors. One of them dropped down to the ground, wearing a big puffy shirt, a pair of leather pants, wearing a human skull for a hat, and brandishing a sword.
"What the devil of you?"
The goblins dropped down and began playing their kazoos. The goblin with the puffy shirt and the human skull cap started to speak.
'Five hundred years is much too long.
We've been telling you humans that you've been doing it all wrong.
For you fools expect us to keep your gold.
It's getting pretty old.
We have you, we own you.
You need us, we don't need you.
All of those months ago, a group of us were in Hogsmeade, making a plot.
When a shower full of meteors dove from the sky, quite the lot.
But it opened up our minds.
We are not quite blind.
You see, you humans are filthy and dirty and dumb.
You are lower than scum.
You cannot be trusted with any gold.
Therefore we're going to stop you cold.'
The goblins in the back started to sing as they started to crowd around them.
'We are taking it back.
We are goblins on the attack.
We are going to reclaim our gold.
You humans without us are going to fold.
In a year, you will be ours.
Because without Gringotts keeping that far.'
The goblins swiped the bags of gold off of the bewitched Malfoys. One of them took Narcissa's pearl neckless off of her, another took Draco's expensive shoes, and the other took Lucius's pimp cane.
'Anything made of goblin flavor, we take.
You do the labor, or you will expose yourself to be fake
We are the goblins, you can't get back what we took.
I am the leader, Captain Griphook.'
The mysterious Goblin, who Deadpool never heard in his life kept dancing around and looting various Ministry officials of all of their valuables. Some of them were getting stripped down to the bare facts, their silk robes, made by goblins being taken. Gold, watches, and all the other valuables.
'I was nothing, if it's all the same.
But when we've taken it all back, you will know our name.
You will know who has what you took.
GRIPHOOK, GRIPHOOK, OLD GRIPHOOK!
The goblins kept dancing around and looting all of the possessions from the rich and powerful wizards. They broke open the fountain and gold coins came flying out. They cheered.
'You humans are done
We are the ones that are having fun.
It's time to bend over and do your duty.
So we can take your booty.'
Deadpool started to hum along with the beat, dancing as they moved around to frisk him.
'You forgot who I am
You humans will be victims of my scam.
You will know who has all that you took.
GRIPHOOK! GRIPHOOK! GRIPHOOK!'
The goblins all piled up the gold and valuables and flew off into the night, leaving the spellbound Ministry officials.
'Man that was catchy.'
'So what was that goblin's name again?'
'I forget….but I'm sorry if it's important, we'd remember it.'
Lucius shook his head, unaware that he had been stripped to his pink peacock feather speedo.
"As I said, Wilkins, one toe out of line and I will make you pay," Lucius said.
"Hey, Malfoy, you've been robbed," Wade commented.
"You won't get one over on me…."
"No," Deadpool said poking his finger in Lucius's chest. "You've been robbed!"
Lucius reached in to grab his wand, only to find out it was gone along with the rest of his clothes, his valuables, his gold, and worst of all, his pimp cane.
"NOOOO!" Lucius yelled dropping to his knees.
The other Ministry members screamed in horror as they ran around. There had been a daring robbery.
'So the Meteor Rocks gave the goblins the power to bewitch anyone who heard them singing and allowed them to steal without anyone fighting.'
'Thank you Captain Exposition.'
Deadpool saw something that caused him to go completely blind. Dolores Umbridge streaking past him, howling like a banshee.
"AAGGH!" Deadpool screamed, digging his fingernails into his eyeballs. "I'm blind, and I still can't unsee it!"
The Ministry was in a state of chaos, more so than usual. Deadpool slumped down onto the ground.
"My gold…."
"My watch…."
"My teeth!"
"My vibrating broom!"
"SOMEONE GET UMBRIDGE A PAIR OF PANTS!"
Deadpool could not see anything, but he could hear plenty. He reached to his watch, only to find it missing.
Those thieving, those filthy goblins, they took his collectors edition Golden Girls Watch.
"First they caused me to see Umbridge naked, and those goblins took my watch!" Deadpool yelled. "They're really pissing me off!"
He would have to get his own band of Marauders to take down these thieving, fast talking, singing goblins. But, where would Deadpool find any Marauders? It was not like Marauders came easily?'
'So how many more times are you going to say Marauders?'
Deadpool was in need of a guidance counselor at Hogwarts to unsee that unholy image. Or a memory charm. Of course, having his memory erased ended up correcting itself every time it happened. Therefore, Wade remembered everything including some really messed up shit.
Part of his curse really.