Wade Wilson woke up with a blurred vision. He really had no idea what happened. The last thing he remembered, well actually he remembered hearing a commotion in the bathroom. Then he saw the reflection of a giant snake. And then boom, Deadpool woke up. It was like no time at all had passed. Wade's eyes flickered open and he came face to mask with the Hogwarts Healer, Madam Pomfery.
"Well, Hello Nurse," Wade said while waggling his eyebrow at the woman.
A humorless expression popped over Pompfrey's face a second later. "Well, at least we know you're awake. The Mandrake draught worked. Professor Snape will be both pleased at his work and disappointed that it benefitted you."
The Hogwarts Healer made her rounds. Deadpool looked up and noticed Albus Dumbledore standing across the way from him with the ever-present twinkle in his eye. Dumbledore placed his hand on Deadpool's shoulder.
"It's good to see you awake, my boy," Dumbledore said.
Deadpool noticed an object in Dumbledore's hand. Was that what he thought it was? What person in their right mind would give Albus Dumbledore a fidget spinner? It just seemed rather odd to be honest.
"So, I've been out since Halloween," Deadpool said. "What happened?"
Seconds passed as Dumbledore just frowned. "More than I can explain here, I'm afraid."
"Can you just tell me through a series of meticiliously drawn out flashbacks, spread out during the course of a year?" Deadpool asked. "I feel like I missed something big. Granted, I could go back and re-read the story, but who has the time to leap down that particular rabbit hole?"
"Well, I suspect that you'll be up and back to work soon," Dumbledore said with a twinkle in his eye and a smile on his face.
"I should take it easy for a while," Deadpool said. "I'm sure Dead-two can pick up the slack while I'm gone."
The face of Albus Dumbledore fell completely. The instant it happened, Deadpool could tell something was up. He did not expect Dumbledore to be too forthcoming about what happened.
"I'm afraid that your other has moved on," Dumbledore said.
"Wait, I quit?" Deadpool asked. "Or…wait a minute? What did you do, Dumbledore?"
Deadpool had the Headmaster and looked him in the eye. Dumbledore turned around and did not quite meet Deadpool's face. Many different possibilities entered Deadpool's mind.
"Okay, that's fine, I'll come back," Deadpool said. "I mean, just in time for some big event, the other me will return again. This is comic books. Death isn't all that it's cracked up to be, you know. Well, she is, but…that's another story entirely to be perfectly honest with you."
Thanos cursed him with that entire immortality thing and suddenly, Deadpool kept coming back from the dead. It was very insane, beyond crazy in fact.
"Well, I'm certain he's in a better place," Dumbledore said.
"That's it?" Deadpool asked. "You allowed me to die…however temporarily, and that's all that you can say? You say that he's in a better place? Are you serious?"
Dumbledore turned away from Deadpool and kept working with the Fidget spinner. This actual caused Deadpool to slam his fist down on the table of the Hospital Wing.
"Damn it old man, quit playing with your Fidget spinner, and have a conversation with me!"
And again, Wade Wilson wondered what was the idiot who gave Albus Dumbledore a fidget spinner. The thought just defied pretty much all logic and most reasoning.
It had been good in some ways to get back to work. Not just because Madam Pomfrey kicked Deadpool out of the hospital wing either. He came across Filch who wrinkled his nose. Several banners of Gilderoy Lockhart filled the hallway. A group of students gathered around as they told stories.
"I heard Gilderoy Lockhart wrestled a Manticore with his bare hands!"
"I heard Gilderoy Lockhart had a staring contest with a wall and won."
"I heard Gilderoy Lockhart saved a burning building full of orphans and then put out the fire with his breath!"
They all traded Gilderoy Lockhart stories to Filch's growing agitation. They were not technically breaking any school rules or really making any kind of mess. It was just very annoying.
"So, what's going on here?" Deadpool asked.
"Oh, you're awake," Filch said. "My day's just gotten even worse."
"Your day's gotten worse?" Deadpool asked. "You didn't find out that your clone self died."
"Well, not sure if he died," Filch said. "He got sucked into some kind of super powered hillbilly woman who was eating meteor rock infested cake or something. That's Quibbler level stuff right there, right up there with Firewhiskey turning owls transsexual."
"Actually, it's butterbeer," Luna chimed in popping around the corner. "That's a nice banner….Professor Lockhart will be missed, even if he was part of a Ministry conspiracy to distract them from their schemes of kidnapping goblins and baking them into pies."
"Well, I'm sure he may have been an unfortunate pawn," Deadpool said.
"Perhaps," Luna said. "I do wonder if the Ministry orchestrated the entire Voodoo Hillbillies thing to shut Lockhart up. You just have to wonder about it."
Luna tapped her nose in response. Several of the Hogwarts students all chanted when the leader of the Lockhart fan club chugged six butterbeers at once. Filch's eyes widened.
"Wait for it," Deadpool said waving his fingers back.
The young man hurled the contents of the butterbeer all of the floor. Filch scrambled and almost slipped on the ground.
"You hooligans!" Filch wheezed.
Deadpool turned around and noticed Harry Potter leaning out the window.
"I'll meet you when we get off of the train," Harry said.
Deadpool raised an eyebrow and he stepped in just in time for Harry to straight up.
"They were saying that you got ate by a Hillbilly woman," Harry said. "Why is it that all of the strange stuff always happens when you're around?"
"Well, if Lockhart hadn't riled up this pixies, none of this would have happened," Deadpool said. "None of this would have happened at all…but I guess that would have made for a not so interesting year."
Harry just shrugged. He thought that it was better Lockhart got all of this attention. He could just do his own thing with the people he mattered.
"I wonder how long that they can keep this up before it goes pretty absurd," Harry commented.
There was a shadow of a smile popping over Deadpool's face. "Well, you know what they say, Dead Authors are always better than live ones. And the way Lockhart went out would be the talk of magical folklore for months to come."
Severus Snape finished off the last few exams which he had to mark. As always, his best efforts and talented had been wasted on a bunch of dunderheads. Some of them would have been dead had it not been for Snape's constant supervision and making sure they did not mix ingredients improperly together.
The curtain flipped up and Snape looked up from his essay. He dropped the quill onto the desk after viewing something very interesting out of the corner of his eye. Snape bounced up, mouth hanging wide open. The Potions Professor noticed the flying girl which was with Potter.
Snape jumped up to try and catch the flying girl in the act. He turned around and moved down the hallway when he heard something go down the hallway. A blue and red blur came down the hallway. Snape pulled out his wand and sent a blast of ropes down the hallway.
Minerva McGonagall fell down in the hallway having been tied up with ropes. The Deputy Headmistress fell to the ground.
"What the devil, Severus?" Minerva asked.
"I thought I saw that flying girl of Potter's," Snape said.
McGongall's eyes narrowed at the Hogwarts Potion Professor. There were many times where McGonagall had some serious questions about Snape's mental stability. Needless to say, this was one of those times where she did have a lot of really big questions.
"Flying girl of Potter's?" McGonagall asked Snape. "Are you sure you're not losing your sanity, Severus?"
Snape swallowed a lump in his throat. He was certain he saw it.
"I would advise you to get to the Hogwarts Hospital Wing," McGonagall said. "I wonder about the exposure of potions fumes and how it effects your mental instability."
Snape stepped back after freeing McGonagall. He heard a gust of something, the same red and blue combined blur, and then all of Snape's papers toppling off of the desk. Snape jumped up and down and whirled around in a very absurd manner. He pointed through the doorway.
"SEE! SEE!" Snape yelled. "There's a flying girl there. I can see her."
"I think it's the wind," McGonagall said. "Come on, Severus, I'll walk you to the hospital wing."
Snape ignored this gesture and decided to head to the finishing feast. He really hoped the Cult of Lockhart would have died down by now. The man publically confessed regarding the fact that he was a fraud. No one really listened to Lockhart's statement about frauds, they just liked him just as much. It seemed very inconceivable someone that Lockhart would just blind that many people.
'This world is filled with morons.'
"Wands out for Gilderoy!"
Snape's face contorted. Deadpool moved over and Snape had to sit next to him. That was what his life had come to. Deadpool had been one of the sanest people in the school and he did not know how to feel about this.
"I can't believe any of this," Deadpool said. "I died."
"Well, you got better," Snape said. "And to be fair, you only got sucked into oblivion. And technically it was not you, it was a clone version of you."
"Actually, he might have been the original and I was the clone," Deadpool said. "Or maybe it was….."
Deadpool clutched his temple. It was best not to think about the insanity of trying to figure out clones. It would lead to years of frustration, many retcons, and one confused fanbase. On the stage, Albus Dumbledore stepped out and looked over everyone.
"I can't believe I didn't get compensating for dying," Deadpool said.
Snape's eyes widened, his nose twitched, and he broke out into an endless amount of laughter. The Hogwarts Potions Professor's laughter grew even more intense when he started to bob back and forth. The laughter only increased for several minutes.
"Are you done yet?" Deadpool asked.
"Nearly," Snape said. "Are you seriously thinking that you should get compensating for getting sucked into some Hillbilly woman's black hole mouth?"
"When you put it that way, yes," Deadpool said.
Snape laughed so hard that he hit his head on the table after blacking out. A large smear of grease dragged off of the table. Deadpool hastily dropped a table cloth over Snape's body and used him as a makeshift footrest.
"Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to offer a beloved moment of silence because we lost one of our own."
The cult of Lockhart grew all excited. Deadpool rose up.
'Maybe he's going to finally give me my just do,' Deadpool thought. 'Fingers crossed and all of that that he would.'
Something told Deadpool he would not be that lucky. Hope sprung eternal for him though. The Mercenary crossed his fingers.
"I would like to offer a moment of silence for the fate of Betty Lou the pig. Truly, she has sacrificed her life for a noble cause."
Deadpool picked up a piece of meat and it had a piece of a cheerleader costume in it. Suddenly, his appetite had been lost.
"I think we can agree that she wanted it this way."
They would have to agree to disagree.
Sirius Black spent the last eleven years in Azkaban Prisoner as the most notorious prisoner. He was in and what was worse, Black did not commit the crime. If only Sirius killed the vermin, it would have been worth it.
A copy of Alternate Witch Weekly blew into Sirius's cell and smacked him in the face. One of the Auror guards must have been using it to wrap his lunch or something. There were smears of grease on the paper. Still mostly readable, and Sirius would read anything.
He noticed some nutter in a red and black mask waving a rat around. Sirius knew that rat anywhere. The rat looked terrified for his life thanks to this nutcase.
'He's at Hogwarts.'
Sirius shifted into his canine form as the Dementors made their hourly sweep. The screams of the prisoners echoed all around.
For the first time in a long time, Sirius had clarity. The only thing he needed now was an opportunity.