Rather by the numbers and unremarkable holiday season passed for Deadpool. The Mercenary stepped back into Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. He enjoyed the holiday away by catching up on his Golden Girls Erotic Slash Fan Fiction. Now he was back in business, Deadpool sought out Albus Dumbledore in the hallways of Hogwarts.
Dumbledore sat in the middle of the stool against the wall. Splattered on the wall was a fresh coat of paint. Deadpool frowned and approached Dumbledore. Dumbledore stared intently, almost transfixed at the paint freshly applied at the wall. He noticed Snape and Filch watching Dumbledore watching the paint drying on the wall. And for a brief moment, Deadpool watched Snape and Filch watching Dumbledore watch the paint dry on the wall. Before he turned back to Dumbledore and cleared his throat.
"Headmaster?" Deadpool asked. "Are you alright?"
"Yes, I'm quite right Deputy Caretaker Professor Wilson," Dumbledore said.
'It's odd that they haven't stripped me of my professor title after not teaching a class in almost three months,' Deadpool thought. 'Unless you count the time that I broke into History of Magic and made the class more interesting. And I was never welcomed back to class again.'
"So, if you don't mind me for asking, why are you staring at paint drying on the wall?" Deadpool asked him.
"Rita Skeeter claimed that one of my speeches at the Wizengamot was about as exciting as watching paint dry," Dumbledore said. "I wanted to verify whether or not watching paint dry was an exciting endeavor or of Ms. Skeeter was embellishing the truth about the overall stimulation of paint drying."
Deadpool did not have it in his heart to tell Dumbledore that wasn't what Rita meant.
"And I find it an oddly interesting activity," Dumbledore said.
"So, I heard that Harry Potter was taken away from the Dursleys," Deadpool said. "And he will never ever to go back there ever again."
Dumbledore answered with a neutral nod. One could not see anything positive or negative from his words. A tinge of disappointment came through his face and he looked a little bit older. Deadpool hoped this would not get too serious.
"They weighed all of the evidence," Dumbledore said. "Madam Bones thought there were more positives than negatives than moving Harry to an undisclosed location over his summer holidays."
The Headmaster took a moment to contemplate and to return to watching the paint dry. He thought that Rita might be on to something. There was a certain calming quality to viewing paint dry.
"And the Minister of Magic agreed with her assessment to have Harry removed from his relations," Dumbledore said.
Dumbledore honestly figured Fudge only agreed because if he did not, it would look like he was choosing a Muggle over a Wizard, and if he lost the Alt-Pureblood support, which amounted to magic first, then he would lose a great deal of his support. Plus it looked good to the voting public for Cornelius to be seen righting what was an injustice.
And to think, he hoped Petunia could get over her bitterness. It appeared that she could not unfortunately. Dumbledore was saddened at people like that. It brought a tear to his beard.
"So, I guess that means that your evil plan of keeping Harry at the Dursleys is not going to take place," Deadpool said. "You must be enraged about that."
"No, not particularly," Dumbledore said. "It's unfortunate that a relationship between family members had to come with this. I would have preferred things to get worked out, but unfortunately, things happen. I guess Petunia could not do the right thing and let her prejudice get in the way."
Severus Snape responded by rolling his eyes. He could have told Dumbledore, Petunia was a spiteful wench who would allow her prejudice to get in the way. Hell, he had told Dumbledore that fact several times. Not as really caring about Potter, but really just as a general thought.
"Well, it's glad to see you're handling this in a mature way which doesn't involving you twirling your mustache," Deadpool said. "And it just so happens I brought you a present from the future."
"Oh, lovely!" Dumbledore said bouncing up and down on his heels after rising up.
"Yeah, that looks better when an attractive chick with a rack does it," Deadpool said.
Dumbledore, thankfully for all of their sakes, ceased that behavior. Deadpool pulled out a large bag.
"May I touch your sack?" Dumbledore asked.
"Hey, this is a family story," Deadpool said. "Oh, you mean the sack with the actual item, sure you can, Dumbledore."
Dumbledore always enjoyed the texture of a well formed and full sack. Just the way the leather of it pushed underneath his fingers brought a twinkle in his eye. Deadpool stepped back and opened up the sack to reveal a three sided metal spinning device on an axis.
"It's a Fidget Spinner," Deadpool said. "I saw this to a trip to the current year to the holidays, and while I'm pretty sure that fad will be outdated by the time you read this chapter, I just had to pick up and bring it back from the current year to this past year."
"Oh!" Dumbledore yelled. "It spins!"
Dumbledore was jubilant as he played with the Fidget Spinner. Snape looked at Filch at the Headmaster's continued joyous playing with the toy.
"Do you have of that bleach?" Snape asked.
"Don't think you're getting out of this," Filch said with a stern finger waving in Snape's face. "If I have to go through this, then guess what, you have to as well."
Snape looked like that someone shot his puppy. Deadpool turned to him.
"Don't worry, Snapeybear, I got you one as well," Deadpool said. "You're right in the target audience for a Fidget Spinner."
Snape held the Fidget Spinner Deadpool handed over.
"This is the most childish and inane thing I've ever see," Snape said as he mockingly played with it. "How can anyone get any enjoyment out of this Fidget Spinner? Watching it turn around and spin and spin and spin on its Axis without any effort whatsoever."
Snape's eyes glazed over as he continued to watch the Fidget Spinner move around. He would not admit it out loud but this was oddly relaxing. He glazed over when viewing the item in question and watched it keep spinning around.
"The way it spins, the way it's so shiny, the way it spins," Snape said. "The way it reduces my stress and anxiety of having to deal with these dunderheads and their inability to create the most rudimentary of potions."
"So, you like it?" Deadpool asked.
"No," Snape said as he hurled the Fidget Spinner into the garbage can. "It's the most inane thing ever."
"Well, fair enough," Deadpool said. "Good luck on the paint watching."
Dumbledore returned to watching the paint dry. Deadpool disappeared off into the corridor to do Deadpool things. Snape eyed the trash can for a few seconds and then pulled back, shaking his head. He viewed Dumbledore having a grand old time playing with the Fidget Spinner and watching paint dry.
'The most powerful wizard over several generations,' Snape thought. 'Just watching it spin like that. No respect. Watching it just spin around and around and around, playing with it. The foolish old man playing with his Fidget Spinner and I've never seen him so happy.'
The Hogwarts Potion Professor knew that he would never hear the end of this. He looked from Filch who watched Dumbledore with contempt.
"Argus, one of my Slytherins overheard that the Weasley Twins are persuading Peeves to wreck the East Corridor on the Fifth Floor," Snape said.
Argus's eyes bugged out in a pretty cartoonish manner. "What? Oh no, I just spent three days scrubbing that floor. THREE DAYS!"
The finger of the Hogwarts Caretaker started to waggle and he rushed forward to go off to take care of business. The moment Filch disappeared, and with Dumbledore occupied, Snape dug the Fidget Spinner out of the trash can and discretely pocketed it.
Gilderoy Lockhart woke up and looked at the calendar on the date of February Fourteenth. His agitation increased when he realized what day today is.
"Valentine's Day," Lockhart said. "A day which I used to look forward to with millions of trinkets from my devote fans."
Several house wives spent their holiday season in consoling and the consoling just continued. Lockhart could not be in consoling, he had been secured to this castle during the holiday season for his own health. Lockhart closed his eyes and took a moment to sigh.
"Another day which I am reminded how awful my life is," Lockhart said. "And how no matter what, my teeth and my hair and my good looks are not returning back."
Lockhart felt very bloated as he looked in the mirror and sighed. The mirror cracked when he looked at it. Lockhart sighed.
"Seven years bad luck," Lockhart bemoaned. "Not that my life can get any more dire."
The Defense Against the Dark Arts Teacher turned his attention to several short and ugly men dressed in togas who appeared in his office. The leader, who wore very thick glasses, peered up at Lockhart.
"We're here to deliver the Valentines as you requested, sir," the dwarf said.
"Valentines?" Lockhart asked. "Oh, yes, right."
Lockhart, months and months ago, contracted dwarves to deliver Valentines to the people who wanted to them. It would spread the spirit of love back when Lockhart believed in such a thing. Now he did not believe in such things. He turned to tell the dwarves off, but suddenly, they all dropped to the ground in front of him.
"What?"
"My apologies Gartet, I didn't know you had returned," the lead dwarf said.
"He has risen!" one of the dwarves yelled in an excited voice.
"Gartet?" Lockhart asked.
Gilderoy Lockhart had never been so confused in his entire life. These dwarves looked up at him with reverence and Lockhart turned over his shoulder.
"Moxie!" Lockhart called.
A house elf appeared in front of him. "Professor Lockhart, you're not having thoughts about killing yourself again, are you?"
"No," Lockhart said. "Well yes, but also no….I need you to fetch me Hermione Granger."
The house elf found absolutely nothing peculiar about that comment. She disappeared and popped to grab Hermione Granger dressed in a pink bathrobe, hair curlers, and cute little bunny slippers. She dropped down onto the ground and looked very agitated at being dragged out of her bedroom.
"Professor Lockhart?" Hermione asked. "Pardon my Professor language….I mean pardon my language, Professor, but what the actual hell?"
"Miss Granger, I need to ask you a question," Lockhart said. "I know you know things."
"Yeah," Hermione said. "I know a little bit."
"What is Gartet?" Lockhart asked.
Hermione woke completely up and clasped her hands together in joy. She bounced up and down with excitement causing her bunny slippers to side off her.
"Oh, that's the Dwarvian word for deity," Hermione said.
"Oh, that means the dwarves think I'm of great power," Lockhart said.
A little bit of his old personality and spirit shined through. He desperately clung to the thought of someone, anyone, worshipping him as a god.
"No, to them, a god is someone who is obscenely ugly, and who most people recoil to in light," Hermione said. "Which…no offense, Professor, but you are very ugly."
The dwarves bowed down before Lockhart. The Professor's heart sank as he realized that there was no hope of being respected out of anything again.
"Professor, is it really healthy for you to have this job?" Hermione asked. "I mean, you are just surrounded by constant reminders of the man you used to be."
Lockhart looked around his office towards the portraits of him who had cowered the moment Lockhart's hideous toothless mouth and balding scalp pointed in their direction. One of them had acquired a flaming torch and a pitch work and kept stabbing it outward as if Lockhart was some horror movie monster to be warded off.
"Miss Granger," Lockhart said.
"Yes, Professor," Hermione said.
"I need a hug," Lockhart said.
Lockhart's foul breath came through the air and made Hermione recoil.
"Sorry, sir, but….I have Haphephobia," Hermione hastily said. "Why don't you ask…um, Professor Snape or something?"
Hermione excused herself form Lockhart's office and left him with nothing other than dwarves.
Severus Snape needed to get away in solitude. The dungeon smelled of rotten eggs thanks to some incompetent third years. He could not get angry though, not when he had his Fidget Spinner. Snape stepped into the privacy of the Astronomy Tower to go and play with his Fidget Spinner along in the darkness.
"Yes, you and I, nothing can drag us apart," Snape said. "Nothing…nothing can tear us away from each other."
Snape kept playing with the Fidget Spinner becoming more and more transfixed by how shiny it was. He kept spinning it around and around. He was distracted by the flare coming from it.
"Talk to you later."
Snape stopped playing with his Fidget Spinner just in time to see Harry Potter walking from the Astronomy Tower. The Potions Professor Stood up, angry that Potter walked in on him playing with his Fidget Spinner. He put it behind his back instantly.
"Professor Snape?" Harry asked.
"Potter," Snape said. "What are you doing here?"
"I'm….I was sending a letter," Harry said. "What were you doing here?"
Snape responded in the most crisp and curt way possible.
"I was masturbating."
This received a very disturbed reaction from Harry. Snape glared at him.
"Teacher have needs as well, Mr. Potter," Snape said. "How dare you assume we're not human? Five Points from Gryff…."
Snape stopped and saw a figure moving outside of the window. He blinked and made sure he was not seeing things. The figure, whoever it was, had disappeared.
"Potter, I saw a flying girl outside of the window," Snape said.
"Professor Snape, are you serious?" Harry asked. "I mean, you can't tell potentially believe a girl could fly. Are you sure you're not inhaling Potion fumes again?"
"Are you accusing your teacher of engaging in illegal substances?" Snape asked. "Take another five points from Gryffindor and you can spend the next night in detention?"
Deadpool appeared out of the corner and looked from Snape to Harry.
"Is there…a slash fan fiction going on here?" Deadpool asked.
"I have no idea what that is," Snape said.
Deadpool leaned in and whispered something in Snape's ear. The word "Dumbledore" and "Cooking Oil" were the only two things Harry heard. He did not really want to know.
"Absolutely not," Snape answered a moment later.
"Okay," Deadpool said. "Fair enough."
"I saw a flying girl outside the window," Snape said a second later.
Deadpool frowned and looked from Harry to the window and shrugged.
"I really have no idea who that could be."
Deadpool turned to the fourth wall and winked.