To my dearest friend,
I'm only writing to you because I know you were the one who tried the hardest to help me live. You were the one to tell me he was leaving me, you were the one who told me bluntly that, that friendship wouldn't end well. You were blunt with me, you handled my stubbornness well, and overall you were the one who cared the most.
I want you to know your efforts were taken to heart, and you deserve more than any human can receive. But the day he left me was the day I lost all hope in life and happiness. I'll be writing these letters to you from now on, I don't really know what I'll be writing about but I do know the day I figure out how I'll die is the day you'll get these letters.
None of this is your fault, it's my dad's, my bullies, former friends, and the person whom I truly loved. I lost and gained so much in the span of six years. I've learned a lot, and I've tried my best to be happy. I learned to love, I've learned that life is a constant cycle of pain and suffering towards the kindest people. And I've learned to observe from afar.
I don't know why you held on so tightly to me, maybe it's because you understood my pain. maybe it's because you felt bad. I really don't know and I wish I did.
I miss him, I miss his touch, I miss his hugs, I miss his kisses. Why did I have to lose him so quickly, why did he let me go so easily. I know neither of us can answer those questions with accuracy, but I couldn't help but ask.
To he honest I didn't expect to cry that much the day he left me. I though it was going to be a good day, because I found out I could take free classes at a college I wanted to go to. But, after I saw him I knew something was wrong. It felt like he was avoiding me, he seemed distant and quiet, his touch didn't feel the same he hesitated to hold my hand.
After I walked him to class I started to cry, I knew something was wrong but I genuinely couldn't tell what it was. I didn't eat, I just sat in the back of the library and cried. I texted you throughout my lunch time.
I knew he was avoiding me. I just didn't want to accept it. And when you told me he was thinking of leaving me I felt my soul crack. But hearing the words "well.. it's true" drip from his mouth completely shattered me. He watched me sob the whole class period. Why did he have to act so careless. Just thinking about it again makes my stomach turn and twist in sickening knots.
I don't think I've ever cried so much in my life as I did that day. And no matter how much you talked to me there was so convincing me. Even now I can't tell if I'm struggling to not cry or struggling to force myself to cry. I'm tired, and I wish death would find me quickly and peacefully.
No amount of "it will be okay"'s will convince me that it will be okay. I mean how can you touch someone the way he touched me and then the very next say tell them you don't love them.
None of this is making sense, I don't feel stable. It's like my body is floating waiting for another train of suffer to hit me. I feel light headed. I don't even know the last time a drank real water before crying. Have I ran out of tears? Am I finally numb? No I'm not numb, I'm not that empty yet. I think I'm just too dehydrated to cry anymore, I only ate once today. Other than that I know I've drank half a monster, and flavored water. I didn't like that flavored water, it was too sweet and it tasted funny.
I wanted to be an artist, or some form of a psychologist, but now I can't even see myself making it to tomorrow. You know before him, I could at least see myself making it another month maybe a year. But now I can't see tomorrow, I don't know if I'll finally decide should I just swallow a bunch of pills and let it happen? Should I take grandpa's revolver and play Russian Roulette? Or should I just play with knives. Maybe I could piss off my cat so much he'd bite me the same way he did when I tried to separate him from another cat.
I bet as you're reading this you're hoping I did none of those. But I can guarantee by the time you finally sat down and read this, you already had to misfortune of learning I ended my life.
My eyes burn you know. I've been crying all day, by the time I was home my eyeliner was actually smeared. I didn't expect it to smear, it never has before. Maybe it's the different brand, or the fact I cried so much it was getting on my mask and all over my face.
I'll have to wash that mask now, I'm pretty sure it's drenched in mucus and salty tears. I just can't get over how much he didn't care. He always told me he couldn't bare to see me sad let alone cry. But he watched me sob and said nothing.
I don't think I'll ever get over the dryness in his voice. I wish I asked to hug him one more time, to tell him I'm sorry for yelling, to ask him if he knew I'd never stop loving him. But I simply said bye and left. I regret doing that, maybe I would have been able to live with myself a little easier if I had.
The worst part is, I still don't blame him for losing the two people I considered my best friends. Everyone is right. I can never catch a break. I never deserved the pain I've suffered. I was just a kid and now that's spread to my high school life.
But it doesn't matter now, cause I'm going to write the longest suicide note in history.
Yours truly,
Tomie Grayson