Dear Bubbles,
People don't realize how overwhelmed I really am. Don't get me wrong I hide my true feelings while in public but there are times where the smallest crack in the glass will spread and shatter. Today I think it shattered.
You'd think the glass shattered Friday, but no that was just the crack spreading. I knew as soon as I woke up today would be hard. As soon as I sat down in my seat at 9AM I wanted to go home. That sickly feeling I had when he left me entered my body again and I couldn't even bring myself to smile or even have a real conversation with anyone around me.
All I did was text mom throughout class talking about how I wanted to go home. Some asked if I was okay, I brushed it off and they stated I must be tired in which I responded with "I guess you could say that."
At this point I can't even tell if I'm still mourning over a breakup, a loss of friends, or just slipping further into the void of depression and suicide.
After class I was going to go to the library but I remembered I didn't bring a source of entertainment so I left campus a bought a monster. I drank it slowly because I was aware of my anxiety tics. I always felt guilty using the term tics, it made me feel like I was mocking Tourette syndrome. Even though anxiety tics aren't uncommon for people with severe anxiety like myself. And luckily mine really only consist of violent shaking occasional twitching or shivering. But for some reason I still feel guilty to complain. Even tho me violently shaking makes it hard to write and my already horrible stuttering becomes worse you know.
But back to the monster. Obviously I drank it and I drank it slowly as said before to be wary of my tics. I still had about half the can when I got to my second period class. I didn't finish the damn thing till the class ENDED. And as expected my tics kicked in. I was shaking that progressively got worse throughout the rest of the day. By the time I got to my third period I was stuttering badly, shaking like a leaf, and couldn't stop fidgeting.
Then my tics calmed down a bit while at break. But as soon as I got into my fourth period the anxiety attack set in and I was fucked. I had a test which I easily went through. But throughout the whole class I was rocking back and forth moving my hands around progressively heavily breathing and I'd flinch at the smallest sound. I have never had an anxiety attack as bad as this one. And the worst part is I was alone throughout the whole class period so the attack just got worse and worse and worse.
As soon as class ended I went to find you and I did not shut up until I had nothing else to say. It calmed me down slightly to talk about it but I still felt sensitive to loud sounds and I still looked around frantically. My shaking calmed and my stuttering was still pretty bad.
It felt nice to be taken into a bug bear hug just to make sure my anxiety was genuinely going away you know. I know my frantic looking and stuttering worried you because you kept giving me that worried look like I'd start crying sooner or later. I was scared too to be honest, never in my life have I had an anxiety attack like this one.
I hope I never have one like it again, it's like that grip on a moving rope of control slipped from my hands and I'm trying so hard to get a grasp on it but can't. It's terrible, and it makes me feel sick all over again just thinking about it.
I genuinely don't know if it was mainly the caffeine that triggered the anxiety or the fact that I've been so overwhelmed within the past two weeks that the caffeine just sent me over the edge.
It's horrible. How do people who get attacks easily live like this? I don't get attacks as often as it might seem. So how do people deal with this? I can barley calm down without someone in front of me telling me to breath.
The world just needs to grow up, because I am tired of beating my own ass out of bed just to plaster a sick smile on my face.
-Tomie Grayson