Dear, Bubbles
Throughout this whole week I've had anxiety, and I truly have no idea why. Usually I can pinpoint the most accurate reason as to why my anxiety is triggered but this time it's so out of place and chaotic I can't seem to understand where it's coming from. I blame the fact I've been overwhelmed and the amount of caffeine I've had within the past few days but that doesn't seem accurate enough.
Even without caffeine my tics seem to be acting up more than usual. I mean maybe it's the upcoming finals? But I wasn't like this the last finals we had. Maybe it's the fact that I had to see him numerous times and each time I didn't know what he'd say or if he'd say anything at all. So many things could be an excuse for my anxiety but each one never feels accurate enough.
My breaths seem heavier all the time, I flinch harder each passing day, my stuttering is bouncing off the walls, the shaking never fucking stops, and I'm always high alert as if something will happen. Tics are getting worse each passing day and I can't seem to focus on writing today.
I kept making eye contact with him. I'd look away quickly but I wanted to keep staring just to see how long it would take for him to look away. It was like the world stopped for the moment we made eye contact, but I made the clock start ticking again when I looked away. It's hard to look at him and I don't understand how he had the balls to look at me like that again. I know he tried to hide it numerous times through his bangs. I caught him though, he's not very slick never has either.
It makes me angry anxious at the same time because of the way he looked at me. He's looked at me numerous times like that, how dare he honestly. Ignore me the day he left me, pretend he didn't love me anymore, and basically not say a word for me for four days and then LOOK AT ME as if I was the only thing he ever wanted. How. Fucking. Dare. He.
How is this fair to me. I want to say something I really do. But I don't think I should yet, I want to catch him doing it again before I say something. Maybe once I do I'll get the answers I should have gotten the first damn time you know.
Why does he get to still look at me like that after what he did to shatter my soul and will to live? He said friends but he won't talk to me, okay fine I don't care. But then he looks at me like that. As if I was still his, or as if he still wanted me. I would never get back with him after the shit way he left me. I would have if he didn't do it in such a shitty way.
It does not matter how much I love him, or how much I still want to hug or kiss him. He will never have me again and I was willing to wait till he could date again UNTIL he told me he didn't love me anymore. Then again that idea should have been thrown out the window when he watched me sob for a solid hour. It was definitely buried when he watched me have an anxiety attack.
I bet he doesn't even know how it feels to rock back and forth trying to contain your breathing. I may make shitty decisions and I may have really really bad luck, but I at least have an idea of my worth. Because I know there's a good chance I won't kill myself and that there's a good chance I will move on. I'll make sure I'll be treated better than how he treated me.
But that's if I don't kill myself. And right now that idea is still in my clutch and I refuse to let go of it.
Yours truly
Tomie Grayson