Dear Bubbles,
One of the most annoying things I will probably always deal with is hearing bullshit like, "You need to eat more," "Do you even eat?" "You're so small,"
I fucking know. I know I'm skinny, I know I'm small, and I don't need to eat more to gain weight. I need to eat more because I only eat once or twice a day. Hearing that shit isn't easy when your life is falling apart again. It's not easy not being able to understand the person you've been falling for, it's not easy when your family is getting sick and you never know when you're next, and it isn't fucking easy to be body shamed.
Telling a skinny person to gain weight is like telling a bigger person they need to lose weight. Don't get me wrong they're two VERY different things. But they could have a simular effect on that person.
But anyways. My ex is being a hoe now which is amusing to watch honestly. He's with a new gorl basically everyday even though he claims he's with one girl and the rest are just friends. He's so innocent he doesn't realize he isn't slick. He looks happy though. I envy that, it seems that the people who hurt me most end up being the happiest while I'm left with my life falling apart. Our mutual friend reminded me that he'll hurt those girls just as he did to me, he reminded me he isn't worth the attention. And he's right I feel bad for those girls and he doesn't deserve my attention.
But I don't envy the relationship, I envy the happiness. The feeling of being wanted and loved is addicting and hard to let go of once you have it. And people always wonder why I want to kill myself in the end. "Don't do that, that's some pussy shit," "Suicide isn't the answer,"
Then what is the answer? Is suicide isn't am answer to a question I can't answer myself then why don't you give me an answer. I hate that term. It isn't the answer but it always seems like the better option. I don't care if it's the easy way out, and I don't care if it's pussy of me to do it. People beg me to not kill myself or they just straight up say no, but I'm running out of reasons to stick around because the circle is growing very very small.
I get it I'm on 16 I have years ahead of me but in my opinion that really doesn't matter to me. Hate to say it but I'm not looking at the future I'm looking at the current setting in front of me. Right now life is falling apart for me and maybe it's just the testosterone talking but I'm really not up for living at the moment.
But unfortunately I still haven't figured out how the hell I'm going to do it and I still have people to live for. And that's not a bad thing at all because I love the people I have in my life.
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There are times when days blur together, I forget to write or I write to little. I barley talk to anyone it seems and I don't know if it's me or the other person. I can barely get through the day without dozing off or getting a headache. My body aches and my mind gets hazy numerous times a day. I zone out and I can't seem to hear what anyone's saying so I'm constantly saying "what," it doesn't feel like there's anything wrong but obviously there is but I don't know what's wrong. I'm just tired.
Maybe it's because I see my ex at least five times a day. It's almost a routine and we don't even have classes together. Each day there's a new girl, sometimes the same one. None of them realize the misfortune that holds within that boy. It bothers me to see him daily, yes I have someone better but it still bothers me. To see someone who once made you happy and broke you the next day isn't a pleasant feeling. It's not like I'm reliving the situation no... it's like watching someone you once had live a happier life without you while you're left drowning in misery.
I feel no love, empathy, or care for him. But I crave his happiness. I'd like to live a life without trauma or fear. I've forgotten what true innocence feels like, and sometimes i wish i had asked him.
"What's it like not having trauma?"
"What does it feel like to not care about anything?"
Why was I one of the many people to be cursed with trauma. Being alone is addicting, I don't always like it but it's addicting because it's peaceful. Like you have control. It's the same with sadness. It's just easier than fighting for happiness. All I do is fight for it but I end up back at square one.
Maybe I'm overreacting. I'm just tired.
-Tomie