Dear Bubbles,
Although I've moved on from my dad and the pain he's caused me... it still pops up in my mind sometimes. And I can't help but notice some people still love their toxic fathers despite the pain they caused them.
But I beg to differ. I don't love my dad, and I refuse to love him. He had inflicted so much pain mentally, verbally, and physically. I spent years listening to his lies, listening to him body shame me because I was skin and bones and he had a beer belly. Why should I love the man who'd spank me for giving attitude that I never gave to a women who seemingly was replacing my mother.
Why should I love the man who had screamed at me that if I can't have a relationship with him I can't have one with my sister. And do I really have to explain why I shouldn't love the man who threatened to call the cops on me JUST TO GO THROUGH MY PHONE?
The answer is no. I have no reason to love him, he decided to disown me just because I wanted to change my name which I never got to do despite his obvious hatred for me.
I don't consider him my dad let alone a dad. Fathers are meant to protect and love their children and partners. They are not defined by blood but by the attitude they inflict onto doing what's best for their families.
He's not my dad. My dad died two years ago. The man who told me my real dad was a horrible man and how he wished he punched him. The man I only knew for six years who took me under his wing when he didn't have to. The man who taught me how to spell "Because," since I struggled with spelling. The man who taught me math when I didn't understand what my 6th grade teacher was teaching me. The man gave me $250 worth of records when things didn't work out well between him and my mom.
He made mistakes that are unforgivable, but he was my dad and I wish I got into a habit of calling him my dad because he did so much for me. I hate him for his mistake, but he was my best friend and he was my dad.
I miss him sometimes and whenever I think this deeply about him I begin to cry. It's not sobbing and it isn't a few tears. It's just drips of salty water that stop and continue endlessly till I realize I'm crying.
I wish I wasn't mad at him when he left, I wish I still saw him as my dad before I found out what he did. He left this world knowing I was mad at him and I regret that so much.
I miss him so much.
-Tomie