Dear Bubbles,
Today wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I think it was because I had class selections and got a whole different lunch. Cause even though it was windy, cold, and rainy I got to hang out with you, your girlfriend, and all of your friends. It genuinely felt like a twilight movie or a clique high school movie. It was funny how you and her laughed and said you hated me for even mentioning twilight. But you guys agreed slightly because of the bad weather. I wish I had more days like that, where I genuinely didn't want to wake up but remember the gloomy weather and got up anyways. Getting to hang out with people who I don't talk to often but can still have a good laugh with. Unfortunately after today I'll have to go back to sitting alone and debating on whether or not I want to eat or not.
While we were in the cafeteria I saw him in line waiting for food. I know he saw me too, because he glanced for a second turned away and got patted on the shoulder by his friends. At least now I know he didn't mean it when he said he didn't love me, I know he does. And I know he said those things to me to hurt me and to force me to move on to save his own feelings from being hurt. It made me more angry to be honest. But I held my plastered smile for the sake of everyone else's useless questioning.
I've already told you this in real time but I wanted to punch him and kiss him at the same time. I wanted to punch him for hurting me, but I wanted to kiss him because I knew he still loved me. And you were right, I had problems with commitment but as soon as I commit I get someone who did the bare minimum of commitment. I've noticed in his head that commitment comes with love and with loving someone you have to be in a relationship with them. I don't even understand what that even means but I think that's his logic you know.
Typically if I had texted this to you, you probably would have told me "No I don't get it actually," and I'd say oh well. I don't know if it's just the breakup and the loss of friends or even just the fact that today was very different from my typical days, but it felt nostalgic almost. I've always loved rainy weather even if I hate being cold.
Oh, there's a cute junior girl in my math class. I've always thought she was cute but was never really into her you know. Or in better terms she appealed to my eyes but not my heart you know. Anyways she was wearing a thin ass jacket and was cold so I let her borrow my Levi jacket since I usually took it off in class. Not gonna lie it was cute on her and she kept in on throughout the class. I don't think she's into girls though.
I want to start dating more girls if I decide to date again. Tired of men. That's nothing against you though, I know every time I talk about hating men you feel terrible but it really doesn't apply to you. Just sick of being pushed around, being touched in places I have not allowed said person to touch, and I'm sick of being held into an illusion of happiness.
I really need to drink water, the only liquids I've had today is coke and my own saliva from gum. That gum had a funny texture I didn't like it very much.
Writing has come to me easier today, probably because it was genuinely eventful which gives me more to talk about.
I almost miss them you know. I never liked the terms former friends, sounds too ... formal I guess. I saw them hanging out as a group and pushing each other around and laughing. That pit of envy and anger filled me again. I hated seeing them so happy while I stood there fighting myself to make it to tomorrow. But there is nothing I can do, and deep down I know I'm better off without them. Let them giggle and gossip about my suffering.
Unlike them I'd drag myself from the grave to fix a problem, I'd listen and try my best to be better than the problem I caused. I'll be completely honest I'm not the prettiest picture in the bunch when it comes to toxicity. In fact I'm always on the cusp of being a horrible person and a loveable person. I'd gladly fix a problem if I caused it, but I won't hesitate to throw you in the trash if you decide it's not worth fixing and decide to make it worse.
It doesn't matter how stubborn I am to keep people around, once I've had enough that's enough. It takes a lot for me to throw a friendship in the trash like it's nothing. And even after I hold on dearly to photos and memories because I don't let go easily. But there is no way in hell I'd say it to your face, try to be above me and I make you the dirt I walk on.
I put people back where I found them is how I like to put it. Its such a God complex way of thinking but I was walked all over by the wrong people as a child. People who now pretend they never met me, or ruined my life. I act the way I do for my own safety. I don't life history repeating itself and once I notice it happening I back off quickly, or I stand my ground and address the problem. Just depends on the person I guess.
I guess thats where my commitment issues come into play sometimes. People forget I generally do care, but I'll have my days or weeks when I stop caring. I think that's why sometimes we end up ghosting each other. But hopefully while I'm still alive that doesn't happen anymore.
Maybe the rest of the week will be at least okay. I didn't cry when I saw him... so that's at least some progress.
Yours truly,
Tomie Grayson