Dear Bubbles,
Hope you don't mind the nickname, i still have it as your contact name. Reminds me of that silly conversation we had. Do you remember? It's hazy to me, it hasn't been long but I'm already starting to forget a lot of things. I've had this song on loop lately. It's called abcdefu. It's really good, it doesn't make me feel better like I'd hoped.
I still haven't drank any water, I probably should but its warm here. I'm still tired and hazy, I can't even tell what day it is, or what time it is. I haven't eaten more than a sandwich either, it's almost 11 too. I like to write you know, it's calming, I get to escape into my own characters lives. I get to manipulate the human mind in any shape and form without being interrupted.
But I was never able to focus on one story, it always ended up a dead end. But writing these letters has become a other escape. I get to express the emotions I'd never say in person, or through text. It almost brings peace knowing by the time you or anyone else sees these letters I'll be long gone.
I wonder if mom will have me buried or cremated. Will I live in this dreadful town till I'm nothing but bones and dried hair? Sorry that was a bit vivid. I just remembered something he said to me. He promised he'd never leave me, but he did. You know he said he yelled at his mom, I think that's the only amount of fighting he did for me. After that all he thought about was leaving me. I'm still wearing the ring he gave me, I can't bring myself to take it off.
Oh you know that song by radiohead, what was it called.. 15 Step. It's a really good song it reminds me of the Twilight series. I hate twilight, but Bella was really pretty all throughout the series. Except when she nearly died in the last one.
I don't know what else to write... but I want to keep writing.
I'm back, I mean obviously to you I never left my pen from the paper. I actually stopped writing for a good while. I ended up sleeping, although I wouldn't say I slept. I fell in and out of sleep, I had dreams that didn't make sense. I forgot most of them, one of them stuck though. In real time I've already told you about it so I won't waste ink telling you again. But I remember how it was my conscious telling me I needed to let go and move on, dreams are quick to jump onto mental pain.
I thought he texted me in the middle of the night too, it was just a friend. I was so tired and I thought I saw his profile picture. He's one of the few people who says my name with no context too. I couldn't tell if I was upset or just too tired to understand.
I haven't cried yet today so that's a start, I also ate. Popa threatened to beat him up for making me all depressed. Honestly, I'd let him doesn't matter how much I love him.
I think one of my wisdom teeth are trying to come in, mouth has been hurting for the past few days. It doesn't bother me but it's there. The back of my gums are swelling too. In real time we've already talked about this, I'm just writing to write now.
Food kind of tasted gross again. I think it's because I was forced to eat. Coke tastes sweet again but a good sweet. It may have been the different brand but water tastes weird. And I felt sick to my stomach as soon as I woke up.
I wish it was all a nightmare, that I would've woken up and start the week over. I could have changed so many things. I couldn't have changed his mind though, and I know that. Just the feel of his hold on me one more time would have been nice. I wish I knew what really happened after he walked me home that day, there has to he more to the story than what he told me.
As I continue to write I start to understand writers and poets more easily. They've been through some shit to be able to write the most psychologically damaging stories and poems. I like poems, I like the aesthetic of poetry as well.
That empty feeling is seeping in, I still haven't cried. I want to cry.. I wish he'd answer me or at least pretend to care. Just a sudden realization but I've begun to notice the worst things that happen to me is usually around Christmas time. Whether it's before or after. I lost my dad the first time before Christmas, the second time was after, I lost my boyfriend and my two best friends before Christmas. Does that mean next year I'll lose someone after Christmas?
Music seems to help slightly, that comfortable sadness has come back. I wouldn't describe it as numbness, I'm not numb yet. It's just that comforting feeling of sadness. I feel like people would describe it is being on good terms with your demons. Or getting a hug from your demons. It's not a good sign, but it also means I won't do anything rash for now.
I truly wonder what will tip that bottle of control. What will happen next for me to do something rash. That probably doesn't make any sense but, it would be interesting to see. Monday won't be easy, all of next week won't be easy. I don't want any of it to come. It means I'll have to paste that sickening fake smile on my face, look good to prove I have my head on straight. I'm back at square one, joke about suicide, fake smile my way through high school, pretend I'm happy in front of everyone who's left me just to spite them.
Life is so unfair. I need a genuine break.
Yours truly,
Tomie Grayson