Dear, Bubbles
We both know self harm helps nothing. I have scars that remind me of the psychological damage I was put through a year ago. Or was it two years? Either way.
I'm honestly over the crying stage, I know it didn't last very long but I'm also not much of a crier. I'm angry now. Why didn't he just tell me the truth as soon as he saw me, I would have understood. Instead he put himself in a situation that made him look like the asshole even if he was being an asshole to save himself from hurting. But hurting me would still make him a dick. He's ignorant, they always are. Every male I attract is ignorant, or selfish.
I always get the nice but ignorant men, the ones that can't tell the difference between slurs, the ones that don't always take no for an answer. Or I get the ones who did actually care and love me but are selfish and act uncaring even if they do care.
It's one of the many downsides of being a woman or a petite woman. Men waltz in thinking they now have control over your life and your opinions just because they have your name and number. Of course there's more details and more downsides. The list could continue for days to be honest. But I'll save you the headache.
I saw him today while getting food, luckily he didn't see me. My heart started beating really fast, and my breathing grew heavy. My hands started shaking too. I haven't had panic like that in such a long time and it was scary. I'm honestly surprised he didn't notice the truck, but then again even if he did I doubt he would have remembered if it was me or not. He couldn't even remember that I liked butterflies, or that I read manga.
He didn't remember the little details about me that were easy to remember. I told him three times that I've been bullied and each time he was shocked. And now that I sit back and think there were a lot of red flags about him. He hung out with gang bangers but dated an emo (me), his taste in music is shit, he didn't remember small details, and only seemed to care once we were together.
It's whatever I guess. But it has made me realize how hard it will be to see him tomorrow. But I'll have to pull through as usual and pretend everything is okay. Which reminds me, I always tend to do that. I've never been the type to self harm despite the one time, I've never been the type to rely on people. I soak in my own misery and give myself only two options. Live in spite or kill yourself.
There are days I'd gladly take death over painting another crystal smile on my face. And let me say it is not a flex to master a fake smile, it's not a flex to master a perfect life when it's not a secret that you have little to no one in your life or that you want to die.
You know I've heard that there are people out there with perfect lives who are perfectly happy who want trauma? Why would anyone want that for themselves? It couldn't only be for the attention, I just don't understand why someone would want to hate themselves and their existence JUST for attention.
You know I've only had one person I didn't really know ask me if I'm okay. It's not a flex to be depressed or sad. People like that would never understand the reality of being asked if you're okay and just feel your eyes well up with tears. People who ask for trauma like it's the last cookie on the platter piss me off.
I'll never truly understand how it feels to wake up in the mornings and be happy I woke up. I'll never experience peaceful dreams that have nothing to do with my mental health, or go home and already dread tomorrow.
I maybe an observant person, but sometimes I still fall into the hands of manipulation. It one of the things I hate most. Especially when I start caring for that person, we end up arguing. I hate arguing with people I care for. I lose what little control I have over myself and say things that don't make sense, I yell uncontrollably. It's not always fun to look back on.
I haven't been feeling sick today, and my wisdom tooth stopped hurting. I don't know if I stopped feeling sick because I've stopped crying and thinking less or because I'm just more angry than sad now.
Stuff isn't really making sense again, and I'm feeling dizzy again... maybe today's events just overwhelmed me. Or maybe I'm thinking too much while writing again. I also really only had caffeine and chocolate today. I had soup earlier but I only took a few sips of water. That could be why I'm dizzy.
I'm sitting though. I never understood being dizzy. I think a better term is being light headed. It feels like my head is getting heavier and harder to keep up without it getting woozy. And for the past month I've been getting really dizzy even tho I get up and a pretty normal pace. I mean so dizzy I nearly fall or actually fall.
I wonder why that happens. I wish I had the answer to all my recent questions. It would save me time and headaches, nothing to be done though. I know I'm going to be sleepless tonight, I'll have anxiety all throughout the night. I hate anxiety it's rarely useful to me anymore. Just sends me into panic for small reasons, or makes a big deal out of nothing.
I got a new jacket. It was really expensive and I kind of feel bad. Money wasted on someone who's going to kill themselves.. that's pretty sad to be honest. I feel pretty bad but I don't think it will stop me.
.. I miss him still. I wish things could have been different
Yours truly,
Tomie Grayson